It's easy to think back on past relationships and remember only the negatives. You catalog your mistakes and dwell on the time you wasted with someone who left you with emotional baggage, a broken heart and little else.

想起过往的恋情，人们通常只记得不好的地方。你把自己的错误区分开来，不断回忆过去你浪费在这个人身上的时间，这个人让你感情受挫、心碎不已，除此之外几乎没留下任何东西。

But what if instead you looked at a split as an educational experience (albeit a really painful one) that taught you valuable lessons about what you want and absolutely don't want in your next relationship? Earlier this week, Redditors did just that, sharing the most important lesson they've learned by way of heartbreak.

但是如果你把一段破裂的关系看作一个学习的机会（虽然是非常痛苦的一段），会教会你一些有价值的教训，让你在下一段恋情中清楚地知道你想要什么、不想要什么。这周前几天，Reddit的忠实读者们在网上将他们失败恋情得来的惨痛教训分享出来。

1. "You need to preserve your own identity and your space. Embrace your individuality, pursue your interests while sharing some of it as a couple."

“你要不能失去自我，要保留一份自己的空间。热爱自己的个性之处，在和对方分享自己一部分兴趣的同时，追求自己的那一部分。”

2. "I learned that in order for someone to hear you, you have to talk, and in order for something to change, you have listen."

“如果想让对方听到你的心声，你要主动开口；为了寻求改变，你要学会倾听。”

3. "You need things in common, but not common interests -- those will change. You need common values. Take stock of what's important to you, what's right and wrong in your world. Find someone who agrees with that and everything else will come together, more or less."

“你们需要有共同之处，但这不是指普通的兴趣爱好，因为这些会发生改变。你们需要相似的价值观。考虑一下对你重要的是什么，你的世界里什么是对的，什么是错的。找一个能和你达成以上共识的人，其他的共同点也会多多少少随之而来。”

4. "Never assume malice¹ when stupidity will suffice. In other words, never assume your significant other is up to something if they could possibly just be ignorant of the fact that it looks like they are up to something."

“当你做了蠢事的时候，不要怨恨。换句话说，不要以为对方有所图，可能他们只是没有注意到自己的行为看上去像有所企图一样。”

5. "You can't love enough for both people."

“你不能同时爱两个人。”

6. "Even if it doesn't work out, marriage and a divorce can make you a stronger and kinder person."

“即使恋爱维持不下去了，那么结婚或是离婚都可以让你成为一个更强壮和更好的人。”

7. "You're not obliged to set yourself on fire in order to keep somebody else warm."

“你没有义务点燃自己去温暖对方。”

8. "Don't let the fear of being alone lead you to deny what you really want. Hold on tightly to personal integrity."

“不要因为害怕孤独而将就、错过了自己真正想要的人。人品不可丢。”

9. "To recognize and show appreciation² for the love given by that other person in your life on a daily basis. They need to actually hear it. I should have said it more often."

“每天都要意识到爱的存在，并为对方付出的爱心存感激。而你的心声需要让对方听到。要是曾经的我明白这一点，多表达对爱的谢意就好了。”

10. "You have to ask yourself: 'If you were someone of the opposite sex, would you date yourself?' That kind of made me take a look at my own bad habits and behaviors in a different light. Now when I have a fight or a disagreement in my current relationship, I try to make sure I respond in a manner I would want my partner to respond in."

“你要问问自己：如果你是异性，你会和自己约会吗？这会让我以不同的角度来审视自己的坏习惯和缺点。现在当我在恋爱中和吵架或有歧义的时候，我会换位思考。”

11. "Humor and IQ will last longer than good looks."

“幽默感和智慧比美丽的外表更重要。”

12. "There is nothing wrong with being 'picky.' Some things are tolerable and of no consequence and some things aren't. The trick is finding where the line between tolerable and intolerable lies for you."

“挑剔是没有错的。有些无关痛痒的小事是可以容忍的，但有些事不是这样的。你要知道能容忍和不能容忍之间的界限有你来定。”

13. "Communication in an argument isn't about convincing your partner that you're right. It's about understanding."

“在争论的过程中，并不是要说服对方自己是对的，而是要做到相互理解。”

14. "You are in control of your own happiness. You need to be happy with yourself if you are to be in a healthy and happy relationship."

“你的幸福你自己负责。如果你要维持一段健康快乐的恋爱关系的话，独处的时候也要开心。”

15. "Be a thinker in your relationship. Common sense should rule, not your heart."

“在恋爱中要做一个会思考的人。要用常理去判断，不要意气用事。”

16. "Don't disregard the red flags. I was insecure, naïve³ and thought I was being judgmental. Nope. He was a jerk and we had nothing in common."

“不要忽视危险信号。我曾经很幼稚，缺乏安全感，认为自己太过于喜欢品头论足了。但事实证明不是那样的。他是个混蛋，我们根本是两个世界的人。”

17. "That you should only be with someone that genuinely, freely, and entirely⁴ wants to be with you. Begging to be noticed is not healthy."

“你只应该和某个全心全意想陪着你的人在一起。乞求对方的注意，这种心态是不健康的。”