My partner and I work for the same company in Germany. Both have roughly the same experience and do similar work. He is German — I am not, I have moved to the country to be with him. He has just received a rise in his salary and now earns 20 per cent more than I do. Am I right to expect to share our expenses pro¹ rata? I would be happy with the 20 per cent in our biggest expense — rent, and drop it for everything else (food, travel, etc). What do you think?

我和我的伴侣都在德国的一家公司工作。我们俩有着差不多一样的工作经验，也做着相似的工作。他是德国人——我不是，我为了和他在一起才来到这个国家定居。他刚刚加了薪，现在他赚的比我多20%。我希望按收入比例来分摊我们的花销，这样合适吗？我会很高兴能把这20%花在我们最大的花销——房租上，还有其他一切（食物，旅行，等等）。你怎么看？

Manager, female, 33

经理，女性，33岁

Who pays for what in a relationship is not something I can help you with. Almost everyone is weird² about money and for a relationship to work it helps if both parties are weird in the same way.

在一段感情关系中，谁来为什么东西付钱，这不是我能帮上忙的地方。几乎每个人在钱的问题上都有点奇怪，如果双方奇怪的方式一致，那对这段感情是有帮助的。

Some people like formulaic agreements, working out who pays what down to the last farthing. Some prefer looser arrangements or none at all. Some share everything. Some nothing. The only person who can sort this out for you is your partner.

一些人喜欢订立一板一眼的协议，连一个子儿由谁来付都算得清清楚楚。一些人喜欢随意一些的安排，或者根本没有安排。一些人什么都拿来分享。一些人什么也不分享。唯一能够为你解决这个问题的就是你的伴侣。

I hate fuss about money and I like feeling independent, so if I were you, I’d just go on paying my equal share. If I were your partner, then I would probably expect to continue paying the same rent but be more inclined to pay for dinners, holidays and nice treats. But I’m not him, or you.

我不喜欢在钱的事情上计较，我喜欢独立感，因此如果我是你，我就会继续分摊一半房租。如果我是你的伴侣，我很可能会希望继续支付同样的租金，但我会更乐于为晚餐、假期和请客付费。但我不是你，也不是他。

In any case, which of you pays the rent does not strike me as your biggest problem. Working in the same company at the same level as someone you are in a relationship with is never easy. You spend too much time with them; you have far too many eggs in one basket.

还有，在我看来，你们最大的问题并不是怎么分担房租。与恋人在同一家公司上班，身处同一个级别，这绝非易事。你投入了太多时间；你把太多的鸡蛋放在一个篮子里了。

In normal circumstances when a colleague gets a pay rise and you do not, it is hard not to feel resentful. If that person is your partner, it is harder still.

在正常情况下，当一位同事获得了加薪，而你没有，你很难不感到愤慨。如果这个人是你的伴侣，就更难心平气和了。

Your difficulties are compounded by the fact that you are on his turf, you think you are as good as he is but he is doing better. The chances are that he is going to go on doing better — and if that is the case, you face the prospect³ of living with someone who progressively gets promoted while you progressively get left behind. That strikes me as a far greater risk to your all-round happiness than who pays an extra few euros towards each month’s household expenses.

你在他的地盘上，这个事实加深了你的困境。你认为你和他一样优秀，但他现在做的更好。有可能他以后还会越来越好——如果是这样，你就面临着这样一种未来：你和一个不断得到晋升的人生活在一起，而你被甩得越来越远。在我看来，对你的整体幸福来说，这是比谁来为每个月的家庭开销多付几欧元要大得多的风险。

Perhaps you should take it in two stages.

或许你应该分两步处理。

As the expenses thing is bothering you for now, you should tell him so, and explain that your idea of fairness dictates⁴ that rent payments should be pro rata with earnings⁵.

既然现在困扰你的是开销问题，你应该跟他说清楚，你认为公平的做法是按你们俩的收入比例来分摊房租。

If that conversation goes badly, it might be time to start thinking about a new man, as well as a new job, and possibly a new country.

如果这次对话进行得不顺利，或许是时候考虑找一个新的男人，以及一份新的工作，可能再加上去一个新的国家。

If the conversation goes well and you can reach a concordat⁶ on earnings and rent ratios, then maybe the long-term answer is to stick with the man but to find another job.

如果对话进行顺利，你们可以就收入和房租比例达成一致，那么一个长期的答案或许是坚持和这个男人在一起，但你应该另谋高就。