1、没有阳光的白日如同黑夜。(快乐生活每一天)

A day without sunshine is like night.

2、换句话说，五指亦有不同。(大千世界，无奇不有。宽容心对待)

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3、百分之四十二点七的数据是现场编造的。

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4、百分之九十九的律师是毁坏律师界名声的大老鼠。(律师界就是一锅老鼠汤)

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5、永远记住：你认识的人中定会有一半居于平均线以下。(总有人处于低端)

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6、最后笑的人思维最慢。(最后笑的人不一定因为他是强人，也许还有其他原因)

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7、绝望仅仅是没有激情的愤怒。

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8、早起的鸟儿或许有虫吃，不过第二只老鼠才会得到夹子中的奶酪。(韬光养晦，永不出头)

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9、养育细菌吧。他们是某些人唯有的培养基(修养、文化)(英语里culture一词 也有文化修养和细菌培养基的意思，这里一语双关)。(极端没教养、吝啬的代名词)

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10、问心无愧也许是坏记性的表现。

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11、改变无可避免，自动贩卖机出来的货物除外。

Change is inevitable¹, except from vending² machines.

12、假如你认为没有人关心你，试试拖欠一下应付款。(意见真的不错喔)

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13、有多少人相信特异致动？举起我的手来。

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14、好吧，那么黑暗的速度呢？(光速与“黑速”到底谁会更大一点呢)

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15、当所有东西都朝你运动而来，那说明你走错了道。(众人独醒我独醉)

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16、勤奋工作会在远期得到回报，而懒惰现期就会有所收获。

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17、假如没有酒鬼的话大海要深多少啊！

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18、鹰翔九天，但是鼬鼠从不会卷入飞机引擎。

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19、假如你两次被吓得半死，会发生什么事呢？

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20、通灵之人为什么还要问你的姓名呢？

Why do psychics³ have to ask you for your name?

21、每个老年人心里都会有一个年轻人在问：“怎么会发生这档子破事？”

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22、只需记住——假如这个世界不是一张网，我们都会掉落。

Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23、光速快于音速。这就是为什么你在听到他人的发言后才会意识到他们的存在。

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24、生活并不太像一盒巧克力。它更像一罐墨西哥辣椒。

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.