How to Be a Good Listener

When I first went to London as a student I sat alone during parties with my glass of wine. I hoped people would think that someone might come up to me and say, “Excuse me! I hope you won’t mind my coming up to you like this, I don’t want to interrupt your thoughts… but really, you are the only interesting looking person in the room! May I talk to you?”

It never happened!

Here is some advice if you would like to be a good conversationalist: be an attentive¹ listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. To be interesting, be interested! Ask questions that other people will enjoy answering. Encourage hem² to talk about themselves and what they have done.

Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine³ in China which kills 1 million people. A pain in one’s arm interests one more than 40 earthquake in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.

Diogenes, the Greek philosopher⁴ who is supposed to have lived in a barrel⁵, said, “The reason why we have two ears and only one mouth is so that we may listen more and talk less!”

Do you know how to get on with people? Do you ever feel shy? What situation makes you shy? Do you sometimes feel as if you don’t know how to interest and amuse people and have conversations with them? Do you search desperately⁶ in your head for something to say? Do people find an excuse to leave you as soon as they can?

Try listening! Here are some more recommendations⁷ about listening: (A neighbor of mine talking about her child) ‘One evening last week I was sitting with Hannah, and she said to me, “You are a marvelous⁸ mum!” And I said, “Well do you say that suddenly?” And she said, “Well, although you are always busy you always stop what you are doing to listen to me.”’(From How to Talk your Way to Success in Selling) ‘You have to force your buyer to talk … to enter the conversation… if you expect to talk your way to successful sale. The only way you can do this is to stop talking yourself and listen.’

“Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice.” (From Hamlet)

Airline employees are taught how to listen to complaints. If they are able to show sympathy and to listen long enough the passenger’s problem will begin to seem less important.

Psychologists, counselors⁹ and doctors also know that listening is part of their job. If they listen with care and concern the patient may even solve the problem! They are professional listeners. Here is some advice they give.

I: Show the other person that you are listening.

II: Look at them.

III: Smile and nod quite often.

IV: and shake you head or raise your eyebrows¹⁰ if you don’t follow what they are saying.

V: Don’t tap your foot because this will show impatience¹¹.

VI: Don’t look at your watch unless you really have to know the time, (and then you should tell the other person why you need to know the time). If you show impatience then the other person will lose the moment of friendship which they are offering.

A good listener has magic! A good listener has the ability to make people feel good, and is as valuable at a party as a good talker. But just listening isn’t enough. One should listen intelligently by trying to find out what the other person would really like to communicate.

第一次去伦敦的时候，我还是个学生。参加派对的时候，我自己独自一个人坐在中间，品着自己的葡萄酒。我希望有人会走到我面前说：“打扰了，我希望您不会介意我这样冒昧地走到您面前，我不想打扰您……可您确实是这个房间里唯一一位看起来很有趣的人！我能和您聊会吗？”

可这从未发生过！

如果你想成为一名优秀的会话者，这里有一些建议：作一名忠实的听众；鼓励他人谈论自己；要让别人对自己感兴趣，首先要对别让感兴趣。要问别人乐意回答的问题；鼓励他们谈论自己和介绍他们都做过什么事。

记住，和你谈话的人，他们对自己和他们问题的兴趣要比对你和你的问题高一百倍。对一个人来说，他的牙痛要远比在中国有一百万人被饿死的饥荒还要重大。一个人胳膊上的疼痛要比在非洲发生四十几次地震还要让人关注。

希腊哲学家Diogenes（有人说他曾经住过桶里）说：“我们人类有两只耳朵和一张嘴的原因就是我们人类要多听少说！”

你知道怎样和人打交道吗? 你感到害羞过吗？什么场合让你害羞了？你时常感到自己不知道该怎样引起别人对你的兴趣，不知道该这样和别人开玩笑，不知道该怎样和他们交谈吗？你总是绞尽脑汁地想找点话说吗？有人找借口想尽快离开你吗？

尽量去听别人说话！这里有一些关于听别人说话的建议。（我的一位邻居在谈论他的孩子）上周的一天晚上，我和汉娜坐在一起，她对我说：“你真是位了不起的母亲！” 我说：“你是突然说这话的吧？” 她说：“哎呀，尽管你总是很忙，可你总是能够停下干你手头的活听我说话。”

“要多听少说。”（哈姆雷特）

航空工作人员要经过培训如何去听抱怨，如果他们能表示出同情，并且能够耐心听听旅客的问题，那么他们的问题就不会那么严重。

心理学家、咨询人员和医生也都知道听是他们工作的一部分。

I: 让别人感到你在听他们说话。

II: 注视对方。

III: 常常面带微笑，频频点头表示你听懂了对方。

IV: 如果不懂就摇摇头或者皱皱眉，让对方知道调整讲话内容。

V: 别用脚敲地板，免得别人误会你听得不耐烦了。

VI: 别看手表，除非你确实需要知道时间（看的话你需要告诉其他人你看时间的原因）。如果你表现出不耐心的话，对方也回将友谊收回来。

好的听众很有魔力！一个好的听众要有让人感觉舒服的本领，好的听众在参加派对时与一个优秀的说话者同等重要。但是只是一味的听是不够的，你要聪明地听，并且明白对方是在传达什么信息。