I am trying to fall asleep, and it feels like there's an enormous weight on my chest. It's not the first time I've had that sensation. It's just the first time I've paid for it.

我试着入睡，但却感觉有一股沉重的力量压在我的胸部。我并非第一次有这种感觉，但这是我第一次为此付出代价。

Over the past few years, I've experienced enough cataclysmic jolts¹ - including grief, financial insecurity, and a few brushes with death for both my firstborn - to significantly rewire the brain I used to consider so resilient and optimistic. And after grappling with insomnia², debilitating³ headaches and panic attacks, I got a diagnosis⁴ of anxiety and PTSD and a treatment plan. I still have bad days and better days, but therapy and Wellbutrin have been life changing. Exercise, support and meditation⁵ have also given it all a big boost, along with the ongoing⁶ experiment of buying stuff.

过去几年，我的生活大起大落--沉浸于悲伤之中无法自拔、经济得不到保障、长子的离世--很大程度上改写了我对自己的看法，以前我总以为自己的复原能力很强、以为自己是乐观向上的。经历了失眠、头痛和恐慌症发作后，我患了焦虑症以及创伤后应激障碍，同时做出了治疗计划。我的生活仍有起有伏，但治疗和安非他酮改变了我的生活。锻炼、支持和冥想也让我有所好转，当然出去购物也起到了积极作用。

I'm a skeptic⁷ who spent years rolling her eyes when her friends talked about their homeopathic remedies. But last winter, in the throes of my crisis, I went out with a friend. She is a therapist. She is from Norway. She has a kid with serious depression. Two hours later I was on Amazon, ordering something called a Happy Light.

我是位怀疑论者。多年来当朋友们谈论顺势疗法时，我都会翻白眼表示不屑。但去年冬天，我在非常痛苦的时候和朋友出去了。她是位治疗师，来自挪威。她的孩子患有严重抑郁症。治疗2小时后，我竟然开始逛亚马逊了，还买了一个叫做"快乐灯"的物件。

I talked to my therapist about it, and a few days later, I was eating my breakfast at my desk, feeling like I was at a Yankees night game. Using the light did not feel like basking⁸ in the warm, inviting⁹ light of the sun. It was instead bright as hell, and I was not immediately charmed. But I kept routinely flipping¹⁰ it on every cold, dark morning regardless, until the sunrise caught up with my alarm.

我和治疗师聊了自己的情况，几天后，我居然能坐在桌上吃早餐，就好像昨天看了场洋基队的比赛一样。灯光治疗并不像在暖洋洋的阳光下沐浴，相反，灯光治疗是处于极亮的环境中，一开始我并没有被这种环境迷住。但每个冰冷、黑暗的早晨，我都会打开灯光，直到太阳升起，闹铃作响。

In the spring, at a checkup to see how I was responding to Wellbutrin, my physician mentioned that my vitamin D level was low, and recommended I start taking a supplement. "Some of my patients say it improves their moods," he added. Well then, sign me up, I thought, making a mental note to detour¹¹ to the Walgreens on the way home.

春天的时候，我做了关于安非他酮反应的检查，医生说我的维生素D水平很低，建议我开始服用补充剂。"有些病人告诉我，补充剂可以让他们更快乐，"医生补充道。那就给我也开一些吧，我想到，但却在盘算着回家路上绕道去一趟沃尔格林药店。

There's the Dohm white noise machine, which helps blot¹² out both screaming street noise and my spouse's snoring. They say money can't buy happiness, but it can reduce my anxiety.

这家药店还可以买到多姆白噪音机（Dohm white noise machine），有助于消除街道上嘈杂的尖叫声和另一半的打呼声。人们常说金钱买不到快乐，但却能缓解我的抑郁症状。