Friendships that happen in an instant are awesome¹, but there are many friendships that develop at a more leisurely² pace and become just as awesome over time. Some of us are may be slower to open up to new relationships. Our reasons may vary quite widely, but may include, among others, poor early modeling by parents, past experiences of being hurt, innate³ shyness, or simple social insecurity. Regardless of your personal reasons, it is still possible to build new relationships. However, this may require that you step outside of your comfort zone, as well as risk rejection⁴.

能在短时间内建立起友谊当然是件很棒的事情，但我们要知道，有很多友谊建立的过程相对缓慢，并且这种友谊往往会随着时间的推移而越发美妙。有些人在敞开心扉建立一段新关系方面的节奏会往往会比较慢。这么做的理由往往差别很大，但不外乎这几种：由于父母的原因在早期形成的不太好的行为模式、曾经过伤的经历、内心深处的羞怯或者仅仅是因为在社交方面存在不安全感。不管你个人的理由是什么，都还是有可能建立起一段新的关系的。但这要求你要从内心舒适区走出来，并且要承担被决绝的风险。

Four Easy Steps for Building a Friendship that Provides Enduring Warmth

四步建立起一段可以维持恒温的友谊。

Step 1: Gather the Wood

第一步：收集木材

If you are tired of being lonely or feel like you are in need of new, more relevant friends, the first step is widening the pool of potential friends. Is there an online “meet-up” you would like to attend? An upcoming opening of a new art gallery? A 5K for a charity about which you care? A new exercise class or writer’s group? A community enrichment class? A new church group? If the people you generally have around you are not likely candidates for building friendships, you must find a way to meet new people – friendships cannot happen in a vacuum!

如果你厌倦了孤单或者感觉自己需要一些新的、更加亲密的朋友，那么第一步就是扩展潜在朋友的圈子。你愿意参加在线聚会吗？一个即将开放的艺术馆？一个你所关心的5公里远的慈善机构？一个新的健身课程或者作家小组？一个社区课程？一个新的教堂小组？如果你平时经常来往的人群中没有可以成为朋友的人选，那么你就必须要找到一个认识新人群的方式——在封闭的环境下是不可能建立起友谊的。

Step 2: Lay the Fire

第二步：准备生火

The next step is beginning a conversation with a potential friend. If you are painfully shy, look for someone else who seems to be on the periphery⁵ of the group. This person may be relieved, or even thrilled, that you made the first move. Make a comment about the event you are at or the setting you are in. For instance, you might open with something like “Wow, the instructor⁶ sure makes eagle pose look easy!” or “I’ve only run in one 5K before – how many have you completed?” or "This book was a tedius read at first, but I really got into the story midway through."

下一步就是开始与潜在的朋友展开交往。如果你是个非常羞涩的人，那就选择那些似乎处于该组织外围的人来交往。这种人是放松的，或者甚至是紧张激动的，所以你就可以采取主动了。对你目前所经历的事或你目前所处的环境进行评价。例如，你可以这样开始一段谈话：”哇，这个教练做二式栖息鹰的动作看起来好轻松哦！“或者"我之前只跑过一个5公里，你完成了多少呀？“或者”我起初看这本书时，觉得好乏味啊，但是读到一半时，我就深深被它所吸引了。“

Step 3: Strike the Match

第三步：点燃火柴

If the potential friend responds warmly and you believe you are both enjoying the small talk, you may want to take another step. If you are in a class or other setting in which you will be meeting again, you might wait until the next meeting before trying to fan the flame of a friendship. If this is a one-time deal, and your gut⁷ tells you this might be a friendship in the making, you may use a different tactic⁸. Find a way to determine if this person shares your interest in the type of event you are at and then assess whether you feel that you would like to begin building a friendship. For instance, you might say, “Wow, this has been fun! Are there any other cool art exhibits around town now?” or “I am so glad that I was able to fit this "craft fest/salsa night/event name" into my schedule this week! Do you often attend these, too?”

如果这个潜在的朋友对你进行了热情的回应，那么你就能相信你们都在享受这个简短的交谈，这时你就可以进行下一步了。如果你与这个潜在的朋友上的是同一个课程或者处于别的可以再次遇见的场合，你可以等到再次遇见时再尝试燃起友谊的火花。如果你与这个潜在的朋友就只见这么一次，并且你的直觉告诉你这也许是一段可以建立的友谊的话，你就要使用一个不同的策略了。想办法搞清楚这个人对你正在经历的这个事情是否与你一样感兴趣，然后搞清楚你自己是否想要开始建立起一段友谊。例如，你可以说：”哇，这个真棒！目前城里还有别的什么精彩的艺术展览吗？“或者”我很高兴这周我有时间去参加工艺节/萨尔萨舞会等（事件名称），你也经常参加这些活动吗？“

Step 4: Keep the Friendship Flame Burning

第四步：将友谊之火燃起

If you and the potential friend feel a mutual⁹ willingness to take the relationship a little deeper, tentatively mention a potential second meeting. Or, perhaps, continue the first meeting. Say something like, “So many cool ideas were shared at this writer’s club, do you want to go get coffee and continue our conversation?” If you get rejected, you can cover with something like, “Yeah, you’re right – I didn’t realize how late it was! Maybe we can touch bases again next month? Or we could meet up before that meeting?” You are showing your interest in continuing the conversation and establishing a friendship, but not pressuring the potential friend.

如果你和你潜在的朋友彼此都有意愿将这个关系进行地更深一些，那么就可以试探性地开启一个别的见面的契机。或者，也许，继续之前的会面也不错。你可以这样说：”这个作家俱乐部分享了这么多的精彩的观点，你想出去喝杯咖啡继续谈谈吗？“如果你被拒绝了，你可以这样说：”嗯，你是对的——我没意识到时间已经这么晚了！我们下个月再联系？或者我们可以在下次聚会之前见一面？“这样说既表达了你想要继续这段关系并且将其发展为朋友关系的意愿，同时也没有给这位潜在的朋友施加什么压力。

If the “continued conversation” happens and you still have good vibes about the potential friend, allow yourself to reveal a new layer of yourself. Friendships grow as the investment of interest and shared self-disclosure deepen. Don't rush in, however. This can overwhelm some people. Coming across as being "needy¹⁰" is a quick way to scare off potential friends. Be cool, be confident. Know that we are born to crave¹¹ companionship, and let others into your world at an appropriate pace.

如果你们开始继续交往，通过交往，你对这个潜在的朋友依旧感觉很好，那么就展示出自己全新的一面给这个人。友谊会随着双方兴趣的投入和不断深入的自我展示而逐渐加深的。但是，不要着急。否则会把某些人给吓到。以一个急切的方式去结识对方会很快地把潜在的朋友给吓跑。淡定一点，自信一点，要知道我们是天生渴望友谊的，让别人以一个恰当的节奏进入你的世界。

If the Fire Doesn't Burn

如果火焰没有燃烧起来

If the potential friend doesn't return your warmth or interest in a friendship and then falls back into the “acquaintance” or “stranger” category, that is OKAY! Not everyone is going to be your new best friend. Some salespeople¹² remind themselves that it can take 10 “No’s” to get to a single “Yes.” So, tell yourself that you are one person closer to your next new friend!

如果这个潜在的朋友没有对你的热情作出回应或者并不想和你交朋友，那么把这个人放回”熟人“或者”陌生人“的行列，这就行了！并不是每个人都会成为你的新的最好的朋友。销售人员总是这样提醒自己：10次“不”总会换来一次“是”。所以，告诉你自己你离你的下一个新朋友已经很近了。

Whether you and a new friend hit it off instantly or build a relationship over time, the value of good friends never diminishes. Be willing to take risks. Accept that while rejection can be painful, it is not a permanent condition. Keep your momentum¹³ moving forward and remember that not everyone can be your friend, but that good friendships are worth the risk.

无论你和你的新朋友属于一见面就很投缘或者属于经历了一段时间才建立起一段关系，好朋友的价值永远不会缩水的。你要敢于承担风险，接受这样一个事实，即：虽然被拒绝是令人难过的，但难过也只是暂时的。始终保持你前进的势头并且要记住：不是每个人都会成为你的朋友，但真正的好朋友是值得你冒险的。