You Can’t Make Friends with These People

你不能结交的朋友

When it comes to friends, there's bound to be a few bad apples in the bunch.For whatever reason一maybe they’re overly critical, perpetually depressed¹ or just plain annoying一you can't stand to be around them. Yet rather than keeping them in your life, consider giving them the heave-ho or you could suffer.

提到朋友，在一大堆人里肯定有那么几个害群之马。不管是出于什么样的原因—或许是他们过于吹毛求疵，或者他们始终情绪沮丧，抑或你只是纯粹的讨厌他们—总之，你无法忍受与他们呆在一起。既然如此，那与其继续与之不快地交往，倒不如考虑与他们绝交—或者其他你可以承受的方式。

"Keeping toxic² people around could take away time and energy from positive friends, damage your self-esteem or put you in harm's way,”says Jan Yager, Ph.D., sociologist³ and author of When Friendship Hurts. Here, she deconstructs a dozen so called friends you may want to break up with.

“将损友留在身边，就会耗损与益友在一起的时间和精力，这会伤害你的自尊或者把你推人被害者之列”，社会学家《当友谊伤害到你》的作者詹·耶格博士这样说。在此书中，她解析了十二种你可能想要与之绝交的所谓的朋友。

The Faultfinder

吹毛求疵的人

You know these people: They’re always critical of everything you do and say,which can be contagious⁴.If this friend has redeeming⁵ traits, ignore the overly critical comments or make a joke by saying something like,"Let’s see if you can last an hour without saying anything negative.”However, if you’re unable to distance yourself or your self-esteem is hurting too much, step away firom the relationship.

你了解这种人:他们对你所做的及所说的每一件事情总是很不满意，而这种情绪也是极具传染性的。如果这个朋友还有一些可以弥补这项缺点的优点，那你就把他过度挑剔的意见自动忽视，或者你可以开一个像这样的玩笑:“让我们看看如果你不发表任何批判意见，是不是能坚持一个小时”。可是，如果你无法做到不介意，或者自尊心受到了极大伤害，那么就应远离这种关系。

The Therapist

临床医学家

Too much advice is never good, especially from a supposed friend. If you’re keeping this person around because of the other wonderful traits she possesses,tell your friend you don't want advice unless you ask. Or thank the person without discussing her comments, Another solution? Start analyzing⁶ her and she may realize how annoying that can be.

忠告太多并不是什么好事，尤其是当这些忠告出于一个你所认为的朋友。如果你继续和她做朋友是因为她还具有其他令人愉悦的特质，那么，告诉你的朋友，除非是你主动要求，否则你不需要别人的建议;或者你向她道谢，却绝口不提她给出的建议。另外的解决方案是开始分析她的性格，可能这样会使她意识到老给别人建议有多烦人。

The Self-absorbed

自恋狂

Everyone is self-absorbed to some extent, but when a person is always focused on herself and never lets you share anything about yourself, something needs to give. Because she may not be aware she’s doing this, let your friend know. If she can't curb⁷ this trait and you don't want the friendship to end, limit how long you let her go on about herself; then give yourself equal air time.

从某种程度来说，每个人其实都是自恋的;但是当一个人总是以自我为中心，从不让你分享你自己的任何事情，这大约就需要提出来了。因为她可能并未意识自己的行为有何不妥，那你就得让她知道。如果她不能抑制这种性格，而你也不想要终止这份友谊，那就限制她絮絮叨叨谈论自己的时间，然后，给自己同样长的时间发表意见。

The Copy Cat

一味模仿者

Imitation is the highest form of flattery, but it could create hostility⁸ between you and your friend. If you want to keep her around, protect yourself by keeping things to yourself more often or timing⁹ when you share information. If, though, this trait is too annoying, end the friendship.

模仿是奉承的最高级形式，但是它会让你和你的朋友之间产生敌意。如果你想和她交往下去，那么，你就可以通过更多地单独行事或者当分享某个信息时掌握好合适的时间，以此保护好你自己。可是假如这种性格太烦人了，那还是终结友谊吧。

The Promise Breaker

不守信用者

You’re tired of constantly being disappointed by this friend, so if you want to keep this person around, lower your expectations. Also, call your friend on this behavior. Clneb her in by asking, "Did you know this is the fourth time in two months you had to cancel lunch at the last minute?" However, if this trait puts you in too many compromising situations, makes you feel frustrated¹⁰ or disappointed in yourself for being treated like this, it may be time to abandon ship.

你已经厌倦了这样的朋友所带给你的一次次的失望，所以，假如你还想和她交朋友，那就降低对她的期望值。同样，你也要让你的朋友了解她自身这种不守信的行为。你可以通过下面的问话来提示她:“你知道这是两个月内，你第四次在最后一刻取消午餐吗?”然而，如果这种性格置你于太多不利情形，受到这样的待遇使你感到灰心丧气或失望，可能正是放弃这段友谊的时候了。

The Risk Taker

好冒险的人

From shoplifting and experimenting with drugs to driving recklessly, your daredevil friend’s behavior should raise serious red flags."You need to protect yourself,”Yager says, adding that you want to encourage your friend to stop her risk-taking ways. But don't try to change her yourself;more than likely, your friend will need help from a professional therapist.Then tell your friend you’re suspending your relationship until she straightens up.

从人店行窃、尝试吸毒到不顾后果的驾驶，你蛮勇的朋友的行为应该引起严重警戒，“你需要保护你自己”，耶格说，她接着又补充说，你应该帮助你的朋友停止她的冒险活动。但是，不要试着单靠你自己的力量来改变她，很有可能，你朋友需要来自专业理疗师的帮助。然后，告诉你的朋友，你会暂时中止你们的关系，直到她改过自新。

The Competitor

竞争者

Some competition can be healthy一if your friend’s goals or achievements serve as motivation for you一but if the Competitor wants what you have, acts in a hostile way and will do anything not only to get what you have but take it away, this could cost you. If your friend has to get a house that's bigger or more expensive than yours to seem more successful than you, it may be time to dump her.

有些竞争是良性的—假如你朋友的目标或者成就能成为你的动力—但是，如果竟争者想得到你所拥有的东西，并用一种敌对的方式行事，甚至不惜一切手段，不仅要得到你有的东西，还要夺去你的所有，而这可能会使你损失惨重。如果朋友一定要得到一所比你更大的或更贵的房子，以显得比你更成功，那么或许是到了摆脱她的时候了。

The Bloodsucker

寄生者

This friend is overly dependent on you for emotional support or information.True, it can be flattering to be needed, and of course, the Bloodsucker may be there for you when other friends are too busy for you. But this energy vampire¹¹ can be draining, which is why you should consider if this friend is worth keeping. As long as you set limits and know that this person will probably make extreme demands on you, you could keep this person in your life.

这种朋友在情感维持方面或者信息方面会过度依赖于你。能被别人需要肯定会让你觉得很高兴，当然，当其他朋友因为太忙而不能陪你时，寄生者可能会站在你身边。但是这种精力吸血鬼会让你很耗神，这就是为什么你要考虑一下，这种朋友是否值得你结交。只要你的忍耐无限，并且知道这种人可能会对你提出极端的要求，那你是可以与这种人来往的。

The Abuser

虐待狂

Don't tolerate anybody who verbally, physically¹² or sexually abuses you. Of course, in same situations, it can be tough to figure out what constitutes abuse.Keep in mind, if someone is vicious and malicious¹³ in their comments and treatment of you, you’re being verbally abused. Even sexual abuse may not be obvious, as it include subtle behaviors like making jokes that are offensive or sexual in nature,inappropriate comments or sexual harassment¹⁴. If necessary, contact local police,counseling centers, victims programs, addiction¹⁵ programs or emergency hotlines for help. Then keep this kind of person away from you.

不要容忍任何在言语上、身体上或性上虐待你的人。当然，在某些情形下，很难界定怎样就构成了虐待。不过要谨记:如果某人在评论和谈及你时带有恶意、不道德，那你就是受到了口头虐待。虽然性虐待可能不太明显，因为它包括某些微妙行为，如开些无礼或黄色玩笑，不适宜的谈话或性骚扰。如果有必要，可以向当地警局、咨询中心、受害者康复项目，成瘾康复项目和紧急状况热线求助。以后一定要让这种人远离你。

The Double-Grosser

出卖朋友者

From spreading lies about you to going after your romantic partner, the Double Grosser’s actions are the exact opposite of a friend’s. If the doublecross happened only once, you might decide to continue the friendship, but let this guy know that his behavior is unacceptable. If you can't forgive, cut the friendship.lust¹⁶ don't ignite his wrath¹⁷ or he could turn against you.

从散播关于你的谎言到追求你的心仪伴侣，出卖朋友的人所作所为恰好都是作为一个朋友从来不会做的。如果出卖朋友行为只发生了一次，可能你还可以决定继续维持这段友谊，但是你也要让这个家伙知道这种行为有多么不能接受。如果你觉得无法原谅他，那么就结束友谊。只是不要激起他的愤怒，否则他会与你为敌。

The Controller

控制狂

Being a Controiler is part of this person’s personality, which means it's a harder trait to break. But it can be frustrating¹⁸ for you to be dominated so much.Maybe the Controller has to pick out everything you do as friends and gives an opinion on everything you do or want to do without being asked. There is no give and take, as the Controller is uncomfortable and bossy¹⁹ if you want to make a choice about something. 1f you want to keep the friendship alive, let the person know how much you dislike being controlled. This trait, though, may become so negative that you may need to break ties.

做个控制者是这样人个性的一部分，这意味着这种性格是较难纠正的。但是，如果对你而言，受控很严重，那就很令人沮丧。或许，同这种控制狂交朋友，他会给你做过的、正做的和想要做的每件事情都很“热心地”给出意见，用不容商量的口气;因为如果你想对某件事做一选择，控制狂会不安而专横。如果你不想放弃这份友谊，就让那个人知道你有多么不喜欢被控制。只是，这种个性可能会变得很消极，以至你需要断绝这种关系。

The Downer

扫兴者

"The Downer is a person you have to let into your life with care because this trait can be contagious,”Yager says. It goes without saying, of course, that these types are always down, but ironically, if you’re upbeat and positive, that may be the reason the Downer was attracted to you in the first place. It is not your job to be a therapist. But realize that she may not be able to change without professional help. Decide if she has any redeeming traits and if you can stay upbeat around her. If not, end the friendship. Don't keep her around just because you feel sorry for her

耶格说:“当你让扫兴者进人你的生活时，你必须小心，因为他的这种性格会感染他人”。当然，不用说，这样的人一直很悲观、很消极，但是有讽刺意味的是，如果你达观而积极，那可能正是扫兴者被你吸引的首要原因。做一名心理治疗师可不是你的工作，但是你要认识到如果没有专业人士的帮助她可能也改变不了。因此，你要确定是否她还有什么补偿性的性格，是否有她在身边你仍可以保持达观。如果答案是否定的，那么结束友谊，不要仅仅因为你同情她就和她继续交往。