We all have difficult people in our lives. You know—the ones you dread¹ talking to; the ones you try to avoid at all costs. They may be your ex-spouse, a co-worker, or a family member; they may be a bully², a control freak, passive-aggressive or someone who loves to play the role of victim。

人的一生中，难免会遇见一些很难打交道的人。你知道的，就是那种你竭尽所能想要避开的人。他们也许是你的前妻/夫、同事，亲戚，可能是专爱欺负别人的人、控制狂、消极对待者、或者受害妄想症资深患者。

So, how do we deal with these people? How can we work together productively, whether in a parenting, a working, or a family relationship?

那么，我们该如何跟这种人打交道呢？要怎样做，才能顺利地和他们共事、共同维护家庭、工作或保持良好的亲戚关系呢？

Here are a few secrets to being able to keep your cool when dealing³ with that difficult person in your life:

以下几个小秘密，能帮助你在面对这类人时保持淡定。

1. Know Your Triggers

知道自己的底线

Self-knowledge is powerful。

自知之明是强大的武器。

We all have subjects and idiosyncrasies that push our buttons, and I can almost guarantee that the difficult person in your life knows what those are—but do you? Spend some time exploring what really ticks you off. Is it when somebody talks about politics, money, or your family? Is it when your ex takes your kids to McDonald’s 3 days in a row?

每个人都有自己的底线，它们会被特定的事物引爆。我可以确信地告诉你，那些你最讨厌的人，往往熟知你的底线在哪里。那么你呢？你知道吗？花点时间好好想想吧，找出那些容易让你暴躁的事物来。比如，是不是一旦有人谈论起政治、或金钱、或你的家庭，你就开始不爽？或者是不是一想起你的前任连着三天用麦当劳打发孩子，你就暴躁了？

Once you have your list of those trigger buttons, you are ready to arm yourself. Create a plan. What will you do when the conversation steers⁴ dangerously close to one of your buttons?

一旦熟知自己的底线，那你就变得无坚不摧。列一个应对计划——比如，当谈话开始渐渐转移到你最讨厌的东西上时，该怎么应对？

You can practice deep breathing, take a short time-out, walk away from the conversation, or any combination of the three. Whatever allows you to center yourself and regain⁵ your focus onthe purpose of the conversation will work。

你可以试着深呼吸、或出门散散步、或直接起身，远离这个话题；或者你可以把这三件事一块儿做了。无论怎么应对，只要能让你把注意力转移回自己身上、并巩固你对该谈话的控制权的方法，就是好方法。

2. The STOP Phrases

使用“停滞期”语句

If you are having a conversation with a difficult person and you just want it to end, these phrases seem to do the trick (or at least take the wind out of the other person’s sails)。

假如你正在和一个难打交道的人聊天，而你非常想闭嘴走人。这个“停滞期”语句会很管用——至少它能把对方的气势灭到最低。

“Sorry you feel that way。”

“很抱歉让你有这样的感觉。”

“That’s your opinion。”

“好吧，这是你的看法。”

“Oh。”

“哦。”

“Perhaps you’re right。”

“或许你是对的。“

If you just repeat these phrases over and over during the conversation, eventually the other person will give up trying to get you to join the argument。

假如你不停重复这几句话，最终对方一定会放弃和你争吵的，哈哈。

3. Resist the Temptation to get Sucked In

抑制住被卷入争执中的冲动

Difficult people want to engage you: don’t fall for that trap. Listen to what you’re saying: are you trying to justify⁶, argue, defend, or explain your position? If you are, stop. If you don’t, the conversation will just continue to go around in circles. You will never change the mind of a difficult person—otherwise you probably wouldn’t be seeing them as “difficult。”

那些难打交道的人，最爱做的事就是让你卷入争执中。小心这个陷阱。听听此时自己的嘴巴在说些啥：是不是正在试图证明某事、或争论、或辩解、或解释自己的处境？如果是，请立即停止。因为如果你不停下来的话，这个对话将永远在一个圆里绕啊绕，毫无结果。因为你是没有办法改变对方这类人的想法的。否则的话，你也不会给他们贴上 “难打交道”的标签了。

4. The Big One

终极大杀器

While the 3 secrets above can help you to avoid or get out of an uncomfortable conversation with a difficult person, there is one secret that can truly change your relationship with that person in your life: that secret is, that they are human, and are dealing with their own issues and their own crap that they’re bringing to the table。

前三种方法能帮你避免、或逃离和这类人的谈话，而现在我们要说的，则是能彻底改变你和此类人关系的终极大杀器！这就是：无论如何，他们也是人，他们也有烦恼和弱点！

Their difficult behaviors are benefiting them in some way that helps them deal with those issues, and most of the time their behavior has nothing to do with you。

为了解决自己的问题，他们的言行从某种程度上来讲，与他们自身有益。而且，绝大多数时候，他们这样做，和你并没有多大关系。

A person might feel more secure when they are bullying⁷ someone or controlling others, or they might feel a sense of importance when they’re getting a lot of attention—even negative attention. They might try to gain a sense of belonging by playing the victim and getting others to help them, or someone who’s inflicting⁸ hurt and provoking hostility⁹ might be trying to protect his own sense of identity。

有的人在欺负、控制别人的时候，会因为获得关注(即使是负面关注)而觉得自己更重要、更有安全感。而有的人需要扮演被害者的角色，才能得到别人的帮助；有的人表面看上去既脆弱又带有敌意，不外乎是为了保全自己的存在感。

If we take the time to figure out what unconscious beliefs may be behind someone’s difficult behavior, we may be able to change our interaction with them and improve our relationship. Once you figure out what may be driving their behavior, you can begin to try different ways to help them get their emotional needs met without resorting to that behavior any longer。

假如我们能花点时间，去搞清楚那些难以理解的举止背后是由什么潜意识支撑着的话，我们也许就能改变和这类人的关系。一旦搞定这一点，你就能巧妙地通过别的方式满足他们的情感需要，从而避免再度忍受他们不堪举止的折磨。

The main idea here is to tap into your empathy pool and realize that the person you see as the bane of your existence is just another human being trying to get along as best they can。

这一招的主要目的是：激发你的同情和理解，让你明白——这些存在于你生命中的“祸害”，其实也不过是个尽力想好好生活的人类罢了。

A Final Thought

最后的想法

Yes, sometimes we have to disengage in order to save our sanity¹⁰, but keep in mind that everybody is doing the best they can with the emotional tools they have at their disposal. It is possible to get past our reactions to their difficult behaviors so that we may be able to do our part in building a calmer, more productive relationship, and in the end, this is all we can truly control—our own reactions。

的确，有时候为了拯救自己的理智，我们得学会放弃。但请记住，每个人其实都在尽己所能地生活着。抑制住对于那些讨厌举止的厌恶情感吧，这样的话，我们就能拥有更冷静、更有益的人际关系。总的来讲，其实最终我们真正能掌控的，是自己的情感。

You never know—one day, you may actually look forward to seeing these people。

谁知道呢，说不定某天你突然发现，自己还挺想念某个“特别难打交道”的人呢。