Restaurants are the go-to for so many social and professional occasions. Whether you're in for a professional meet-up, brunch¹ with friends, or an overdue² date night with your longtime partner, the convo-and-cuisine combo is, in general, the perfect fallback option.

很多时候，社交和工作可能要在餐馆进行。无论是工作洽谈、与朋友吃早午餐，还是与人生伴侣共赴一场早就定好的约会，一边讨论问题一边进餐都是非常完美的备选方案。

But as a first date? No thanks, I'd rather shove bamboo under my fingernails while listening to Yoko Ono songs on repeat.

但第一次约会呢？还是算了吧，我宁可边循环播放小野洋子的歌，边往指甲里扎竹片。

Just because it's been a courtship staple⁴ since forever doesn't mean it's a good idea, any more than ordering garlic bread and onion soup just before going in for the first kiss is a good idea. Not convinced? Let's break it down.

仅仅因为共进晚餐是求爱的永恒主题，并不意味着这是个好方法，这和点了蒜蓉面包和洋葱汤后再献初吻是一样的性质。你不信吗？看我慢慢给你分析。

You've got spinach⁵ in your teeth

你牙缝里有菠菜

Let me be blunt here: no one looks attractive while they're eating. Not you, not your date, not even Hollywood celebrities⁶. (Ever seen a tabloid⁷ photo of a famous person wolfing down a double-stacked hamburger? I rest my case.)

我就直白一点说吧：没人吃相好看。你不好看，你的约会对象不好看，甚至好莱坞明星也不好看。（你在小报上见过明星狼吞虎咽吃双层汉堡的照片吗？我不用再多说了吧。）

Sure, the way he slurps⁸ his spaghetti like a child or the way she always takes 20 minutes to order might become an endearing quirk⁹ later on. But when it comes to first impressions, gnawing¹⁰ on BBQ ribs¹¹ is far from alluring¹². Salad isn't any safer. For whatever reason, restaurants love to serve giant-sized leaves of lettuce¹³ in their salads that are all but impossible to fit into a human-sized mouth without unhinging your jaw¹⁴ like a snake. You could try taking a knife to your edible¹⁵ jungle, but then you're likely to get that look that says, "Are you crazy? Why are you using a steak knife on your salad?"

当然了，他吃意大利面时吧唧嘴的样子像个孩子，她点菜总要花上20分钟的时间……这些怪癖也许恰恰促成了你们后来的爱情。但是想要留下良好的第一印象，大口嚼着烤肋排可一点都不吸引人。沙拉也安全不到哪儿去。不知道为什么，餐馆提供的沙拉里面的生菜叶总是很大，你不像蛇一样把嘴张到最大根本没法把它塞进嘴里。你也可以拿把刀切一下这些菜叶，但那样的话别人也许就会投来异样的眼光，好像在说：“你疯了吗？怎么用切牛排的刀来切沙拉？”

By the way, if you do somehow find yourself at the local eatery during your first romantic rendezvous¹⁶, bring a toothbrush. Murphy's law of dating says that if you can get a huge glob of food stuck in your front teeth while trying to woo your potential future SO, you will.

顺便提醒一下，如果你确实发现自己不小心把第一次浪漫约会设在了当地一家餐厅，那就带把牙刷吧。墨菲的约会定律说，如果你有可能在追求潜在伴侣的时候门牙上粘了一团食物，那么，这样的事就会发生。

Two words: gastrointestinal distress¹⁷

四个字：肠胃不适

Even if you manage to choose a restaurant with an appealing menu and reasonable prices—both of those are BIG ifs!—you're still running a dangerous risk by trusting your stomach to do the right thing. Our gastrointestinal systems work in mysterious ways, and there's no telling if or when two seemingly innocuous foods might have an unexpected reaction that will lead to embarrassing results.

如果你选到了一家菜品美味、价格合理的餐厅（大写的“如果”），即使你觉得你的肠胃到时候可以正常运转，那么你还是冒了很大的风险。我们的肠胃系统运作方式非常神秘，不会提前告诉你：是否以及何时，两种看上去相安无事的食物会发生意想不到的反应，并导致非常尴尬的结果。

There are a million different factors working simultaneously¹⁸ to determine if and when your food will disagree with you. Even ordering an old favorite doesn't guarantee that it won't send you racing¹⁹ to the bathroom halfway²⁰ through your meal, or force you to make the impossible choice between whether to let one rip (and hope your date doesn't hear) or bravely try to hold it in.

你的食物什么时候会在体内作怪是百万个因素共同作用的结果。即使点你一直喜欢的菜也不能保证你在吃到一半时不会冲向卫生间，或者你犹豫一番，到底是排下气呢（还要祈祷你的约会对象不会听到），还是勇敢地忍住——这种选择真是两难啊。

And if you did order that garlic bread and onion soup? Well, I just hope you carry an emergency supply of breath-freshening mints in your pocket at all times. Otherwise, you're screwed.

如果你确实点了蒜蓉面包和洋葱汤呢？这样的话，我希望你随时随地携带救急用的口气清新薄荷糖。否则的话，你就完了。

It's like a job interview, only worse

就像面试一样，只是比面试更糟

Even when I'm out with a familiar face, I prefer to sit next to the person, rather than across from them. It's cozier, more intimate, and less confrontational²¹. Bonus: it puts you in prime position to snag a bite off their plate before they can fight back.

即使我是和熟人一起出去吃饭的，我也更喜欢坐在那人旁边，而不是与他面对面。这样更舒适，也更亲密，也不显得太对立。给你点儿额外福利：这个位置使你能在他们还没反应过来的时候，从他们的盘子里抢一口吃的。

Sitting across from someone in a one-on-one setting is far too reminiscent of an interview, especially given all the questions you'll be asking each other. Unless, of course, you're stuck in perpetual awkward silence, which is far, far worse. In fact, a lot of dating advice columns have pointed²² out the similarities between a first date and a job interview: in both cases, you're dressing²³ up and trying to put your best foot forward in the hopes of securing a callback.

和某人面对面坐着简直太像面试了，特别是你们还要问对方很多问题。当然，除非你们处在长时间尴尬的沉默中才能不像面试，但那样会比糟糕更糟。事实上，很多约会建议专栏都说过第一次约会和面试的相似之处：在这两个情境中，你都会打扮得光鲜亮丽，试图给人留下个好印象，期待着能有下次。

Realizing the connection, of course, only makes it seem that much more nerve-wracking. At least at the end of a job interview, you get to go home knowing you'll never have to see that person again unless they actually liked you. Rarely will you get so lucky in the world of romance.

意识到这些联系，当然只会让约会看起来更令人精神紧张。至少，在面试后，你在回家的路上就知道，你永远不会再见到他了，除非那个人确实喜欢你。而你在情场中很少能有这么好的运气。

Nerves, of course, are part and parcel of a first date. So why would you want to put yourself in a situation that'll just ramp²⁴ up the anxiety even more?

当然，第一次约会的时候紧张不可避免 。那么为什么你还要把自己置于紧张的情境中，加剧自己的焦虑呢？

Talk about being under pressure...

既然说到了压力……

Let's say, for argument's sake, you actually like sitting across from people. Fine. But what about the comparison factor? First date dinners are such a cliché, it's nearly impossible to avoid thinking back to all the other times you took a guy or girl out to eat for the first time. Not to mention the quintillion dinner-date scenes Hollywood has managed to squeeze into every rom-com ever.

为了全方位论证我的观点，我们就打个比方，假设你确实喜欢和人面对面坐着。那好。但比较起来该怎么办呢？第一次约会共进晚餐总是这么的老套，会让你不可避免地回想起你以前带男孩或女孩第一次出去吃饭的时光。更不要说好莱坞拍了无数个爱情电影，每个里面都有共进晚餐的约会场景了。

The thing is, the compare-and-contrast game is unwinnable. One of two things will inevitably²⁶ happen: your brain will kindly²⁷ dredge up the worst faux-pas you've ever committed and give you debilitating²⁸ social anxiety, or you'll think of Cameron Diaz and Jude Law chatting in a fancy French bistro and realize this date doesn't even come close. Inevitably, you'll find yourself subconsciously²⁹ struggling to either avoid the mistakes of the past or to measure up to impossible standards. Neither of these, of course, will accomplish anything besides adding extra pressure to an already stressful event.

问题是，在这种比较加对比的游戏中你是不会获胜的。你脑海中会不由自主地浮现出最失态的那次经历，加剧你的社交恐惧；或者你会想起卡梅隆·迪亚兹和裘德·洛在一家有情调的法国酒吧聊天的场景，然后意识到自己的这次约会可远远比不上人家。你会不可避免地发现自己在潜意识中挣扎，要么试图避免过去的错误，要么以不可能的标准要求自己。而这两种情况，除了给已经够紧张的事增加额外压力，别的什么都实现不了。

Break the mold and opt³ for a better, more casual alternative. Consider mini golf, or a trip to the museum, or attending a local festival—literally anything more creative and enjoyable than the nightmare of the first date dinner. The future yin to your yang will thank you for it.

打破常规，选择一个更好更轻松的方式吧。考虑一下去打迷你高尔夫、参观博物馆，或者参加当地的节日庆祝活动，这些都比像噩梦一般的晚餐更新鲜、更愉快。你未来的另一半也会因此感谢你的。