Six Habits of The Best Conversationalists

谈话高手的6个习惯

Some people have the gift of gab¹, and can talk to anyone about anything. And some people struggle to make small talk. What separates the two isn’t knowing what to talk about; it’s polishing up your communication skills so you can keep a good conversation going.

有些人天生伶牙俐齿，逮谁都能高谈阔论，滔滔不绝。有些人却连闲聊都觉得痛苦。两者的区别并非能否找到话题，而在于能否加强沟通技巧，让美妙的对话继续下去。

"Good conversations require a give and take, just like keeping a ball in the air during a game of catch," says Anne Green, president and CEO of CooperKatz & Company, a communications and media-training firm with clients that include Richard Branson. "When someone directs a question your way—when the ball is thrown to you—you should always respond with an answer that will continue the flow of dialogue, passing the ball back and never letting it drop."

“好的对话需要你来我往交换意见，好比在接球游戏中保证球不落地。”CooperKatz & Company沟通与媒体培训公司的总裁兼CEO安妮·格林（Anne Green）说道，该公司的客户包括理查德·布兰森（Richard Branson）。“当某人向你抛出一个问题——对方把球扔给了你——你应该给出一个能让对话继续下去的答复，把球传回去，不让球掉下。”

If a musician is asked, "What kind of music do you play?" for example, Green says the response "many different kinds" will shut down the conversation. "The key is to answer and elaborate," she says. "A more effective response to that same question would be, ‘I play many different kinds of music, but I spent my early twenties in the South playing a lot of country music, which I’ve since brought to my music career in New York City.’ That gives the other person something to work with, creating a more stimulating² conversation."

举个例子，假如有人问一名音乐家，“你演奏哪一种音乐？”时，格林指出，“各种各样的音乐”这种答复会终止话题。“关键在于回答和进一步阐述。”她说道。“更有效的答复是，‘我演奏各种音乐，但我二十出头的时候在南方玩乡村音乐，此后我把这种风格延续到了音乐事业中，带到了纽约。’这就给了另一人“借题发挥”的机会，创造有来有往的对话。”

Thinking of a conversation as a game of verbal tennis will keep things flowing, but becoming a good conversationalist requires having more skills in your communication toolbox. Here are six habits that the best conversationalists have mastered to practice every time you enter a new situation.

将一场交谈设想为口头网球赛，有助于延续话题。但如果要成为谈话高手，你需要更丰富的沟通技巧。以下是顶尖谈话高手养成的6个习惯，大家不妨在进入新环境时练习一番。

1. THEY LISTEN MORE THAN THEY TALK

1. 他们多听少说

The irony³ of being a good conversationalist is that talking isn’t the most important piece; listening is what makes you memorable⁴. Unfortunately, listening is a skill that not many people master; most people would rather talk, said Celeste Headlee, host of Georgia Public Broadcasting’s On Second Thought.

当一名谈话高手的矛盾之处在于，说话本身并不是最重要的因素；倾听才是让人记住你的法宝。不幸的是，真正掌握这项技能的人不多，大部分人宁愿说话，Georgia Public Broadcasting广播公司《转念一想》（On Second Thought）节目主持人塞莱斯特·海德里（Celeste Headlee）说道。

"When I'm talking, I'm in control. I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in. I'm the center of attention. I can bolster⁶ my own identity," she said in a 2015 TED⁵ Talk called "10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation."

“当我说话时，我掌握了主动权。我不需要听任何我不感兴趣的话题。我是众人关注的焦点。我能强化自己的身份。”她在2015年TED大会“聊好天的10种方式”（10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation）上说道。

The other reason we’d rather talk is because it’s easy to get distracted when we listen. The average person talks at about 225 words per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute, said Headlee. "So our minds are filling in those other 275 words," she said. "It takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation."

我们宁可讲话的另一原因是，倾听容易让人分心。一般人平均每分钟说225个单词，但我们的倾听速度却达到每分钟500单词，海德里指出。“于是，我们的脑海自动填充了剩余的275个单词。”她说道。“专心一意倾听对方需要付出努力和精力，但如果做不到这一点，就不是真正的交谈了。”

2. THEY DON’T ALWAYS INTERJECT THEIR EXPERIENCES

2. 他们不喧宾夺主

Good conversationalists don’t interject themselves into the topic when it’s not needed. If someone is talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member, said Headlee.

非必要时，谈话高手不会在交谈中插叙自己的人生经历。假如某人正在讲述自己失去亲人的故事，请别急于分享自己的类似经历，海德里说道。

"If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job. It's not the same," she said. "It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you. You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered. Conversations are not a promotional opportunity."

“如果对方聊起工作上的麻烦事，请别告诉TA你有多讨厌自己的工作。这不是一码事，”她说道，“从来都不是一码事。所有经历都是独特的。而且，更重要的是，谈话的焦点不是你。你无需利用这一刻证明你的能力或苦难。聊天并不是一个自我推销的机会。”

3. THEY ADMIT WHAT THEY DON’T KNOW

3. 他们承认“无知”

A good conversationalist isn’t afraid to show they don’t understand, says Mark Levy⁷, president of the branding firm Levy Innovation and author of Accidental Genius: Using Writing to Generate Your Best Ideas, Insight and Content. "So many people shoot themselves in the foot, because they’re trying to come across as all-knowing or perfect, but letting the other person in on your lack of understanding can actually be flattering to them," he says.

谈话高手不怕显露出自己的不解，品牌营销公司Levy Innovation总裁马克·利维（Mark Levy）说道。“许多人试图装出一副无所不知或完美无缺的模样，结果却搬起石头砸了自己的脚。”

If you’re confused, Levy suggests asking, "I want to make sure I really understand what you mean. Can you say what you just said in a slightly different way?"

利维建议，如果你感觉困惑，不妨问对方，“为了确保我真的明白你的意思，你能换个方式解释刚刚这番话吗？”

"Not only will the other person feel heard; they’ll likely love having to explain their point in a way that’s different than normal," he says.

“如此一来，对方不仅感觉被倾听，也会乐于换种方式解释自己的观点，”他说道。

4. THEY ARE WELL READ

4. 他们博览群书

Be a person of interest by reading and informing yourself on a variety of topics from world affairs to business and culture, says Suzanne Bates, author of All the Leader You Can Be, the Science of Achieving Extraordinary Executive Presence.

通过大量阅读，了解从国际事务到商业再到文化资讯等各类话题，如此方能成为谈话的焦点，《全面挖掘你的领导潜能》（All the Leader You Can Be, the Science of Achieving Extraordinary Executive Presence）作者苏珊娜·蓓茨（Suzanne Bates）说道。

"Be bold in getting beyond pleasantries to introduce high interest topics likely to enliven a conversation," she says. "Be attuned⁸ to each person to meet them where they are and be curious about their views."

“大胆跳出客套寒暄，引入大家都感兴趣的话题，活跃谈话气氛，”她说道，“迎合每一名听众的心理需求，关注他们的看法。”

Being well read allows you to introduce ideas and stories from other domains⁹, adds Levy. "When a businessperson wants to make a point in conversation, they’ll often rely on an idea, opinion, or story from the world of business," he says. "After a while that gets old. We’ve all heard the same business stories, and we start to mentally check out."

博览群书有助于你从其他领域借用想法和故事，利维补充道。“当商人想要阐明观点时，他们往往依赖于商界某一个想法、观点或故事，久而久之就成了陈腔滥调。我们都听过千篇一律的商业故事后，就不由得开始走神了。”

Good conversationalists "seed a conversation with jolts," says Levy. "If you’re talking about, say, workplace productivity, it’s fine to talk about [the Civil War battle] Pickett’s Charge or black holes or an idea from an Elizabeth Gilbert book that, in some way, relates to workplace productivity. Bringing in ideas from other domains keeps people awake and interested, and it’s actually how paradigm¹⁰ shifts are born."

谈话高手“利用震惊播种话题。”利维说道。“谈到职场效率，你可以从美国内战的皮克特冲锋或黑洞理论中援引与工作效率相关的想法。引用其他领域的思想有助于维持听众的注意力和兴趣，思维方式的转换也是这么来的。”

5. THEY LOOK FOR CUES

5. 他们寻找线索

Good conversationalists listen with their eyes, looking for body language or changes in mood that provide information about the other person’s interest level in the conversation. This can help them redirect or improve the conversation in the moment, says Parker Ellen, professor of management and organizational development at Northeastern University.

谈话高手利用双眼聆听，寻找肢体语言或情绪变化，从而了解对方对谈话的感兴趣程度。这种做法能够帮助他们在当下重新引导或改善对话，美国东北大学管理与组织发展专业教授帕克·艾伦（Parker Ellen）说道。

"It also would equip individuals with an awareness¹¹ about other parties, including their goals, as well as any underlying¹² motives¹³ the other party had for the conversation," he says. "Apparent sincerity¹⁴ would enable individuals to present comments and pose questions in a manner that seems genuine, such that it builds trust." This could be crucial to getting other people to open up more and build rapport¹⁵.

“这也有利于发现对话参与者的目标以及背后动机，”他说道，“假如对方表现诚恳，那么说话者就能够以真诚态度提出看法和问题，从而建立信任。”这也是吸引对方敞开心扉、建立融洽关系的关键一步。

6. THEY LET GO OF THE DETAILS

6. 他们不拘小节

We've all been in a conversation where the speaker derails the topic by struggling to remember a date or name. Small bits of information add verbal clutter¹⁶, and good conversationalists don’t burden the subject with years, names, dates, and tiny details, said Headlee. "[The listener doesn’t] care," she said. "What they care about is you. They care about what you're like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out."

我们都曾经历这样的对话：讲话者费力想要回忆起某个日期或名字，结果偏离了正题。信息片段会加剧措辞混乱，而真正的谈话高手绝不会拿年份、名字、日期或其他琐碎细节加重听者负担，海德里说道。“听者根本不在乎，”她说道，“他们真正在意的是你。他们在意你的性格，你们之间的共同点。所以，不要在意那些细节，尽管略去不讲。”