Talking to a narcissist¹-someone who has an inflated² (and immovable) sense of self-worth-is like tiptoeing through a minefield. Every word you utter has the potential to detonate the conversation into a full-on argument.

和自恋者聊天--自我价值感膨胀的人--就像在困境中涉险过关。你所说的每一个词都可能将你们的对话变成剑拔弩张的局面。

It's not you. (Really.) People who are narcissistic³ "are not good at regulating emotions, and do not manage frustration⁴ well," explains Ramani Durvasula, PhD, a licensed⁵ clinical psychologist and author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. "They're more like 3-year-olds than adults; they don't tolerate any strong emotions well."

不是你。真的。自恋狂"不擅长调节情绪，也无法很好地控制沮丧之情，"Ramani Durvasula博士解释道，她还是位持证临床心理学家，以及《何去何从：与自恋者的恋情》（Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist）一书的作者。"他们的表现不像是成年人，倒像是三岁的小宝宝；他们无法忍受任何强烈的情绪。"

And like a tired, cranky 3-year-old, the end result is a massive (and unpleasant) tantrum. "Narcissists often control people through these tantrums because their rage can be so worrisome or downright frightening that everyone gives in to them," says Durvasula.

就像一个疲倦的、脾气暴躁的3岁孩子，最后的结果就是大发脾气，令人不快。"自恋狂经常通过发脾气控制他人，因为他们的愤怒可能会引人担忧，或者令人恐惧，以至于大家都屈服了，"Durvasula说道。

永远别对自恋狂说这些话.png

If you're trying to keep the peace (or just your own peace of mind), here's what to never say to a narcissist.

如果你想维持和平（或者保持自己内心的平静），那千万别对自恋者说这些话。

"I wouldn't have done it that way"

"我不会那么做"

Even if you're using this as a preface to constructive⁶ criticism, a narcissist will only hear that they didn't do something right and you could do it better-"and that threatens their sense of self-esteem twice," says Durvasula. "Anything that smacks⁷ of criticism and also lifts someone else into a positive light is intolerable to them."

即使这只是你建设性批评的前言，自恋者也不愿听到这样的话--他们做错了，而你却可以做得更好--"这会威胁到他们的自尊，两次，"Durvasul说道。"任何批评他们、积极赞扬另一个人的话语对他们来说都是不能忍的。"

"You're wrong"

"你错了"

Narcissists do not do well with head-on confrontation⁸, says Durvasula. And since they're bullies⁹ at heart, "they're scrappier and dirtier fighters than most of us," she warns. This doesn't mean that you have to hold your tongue. Instead, try a gentler tack¹⁰, such as, "I hear you, but I see it a little differently...."

自恋狂不善于正面对抗，Durvasul说道。既然他们内心住着恶霸，"他们实际上比我们大多数人都更肮脏、更凶狠，"她警告称。这并不是说你必须保持缄默。相反，你可以婉转一点，比如，"我知道你的意思，但我的想法和你稍有不同……"

"What's the matter with you?"

"你怎么回事？"

Ask the question as much as you want in your head, but resist the urge to blurt¹¹ it out. "Narcissists have fragile self-esteem and never like being viewed as 'less than,' even though that's how they leave everyone else feeling," says Durvasula. (And let's be honest-asking this of anyone will put them on the defensive¹².)

你可以在脑海里尽情提问，但一定要抑制问出口的冲动。"自恋狂的自尊心很脆弱，不喜欢被人看低，尽管他们给我们的感觉的确如此，"Durvasul说道。（说实话--这句话会让任何人处于防守状态。）