This is not an easy article to write. I have been hurt by someone very close to me and I know that I need to forgive that person, but it is easier said than done. Intellectually, I know that until I can forgive, I will stew¹ in my resentment² and hurt - harming myself, not the person who hurt me. I could seek revenge, but countering a wrong with a wrong is… well, wrong.

What to do?

As I reside in the limbo³ between true forgiveness and painful hurt, I struggle with the tug-of-war between heart and head. I won’t seek revenge, but I am also not ready to forgive despite the realization⁴ that forgiving is precisely⁵ what I have to do to stop hurting. People don’t ask to be hurt, but the offended must be the ones to initiate⁶ the resolve.

Forgiveness is the pill we must swallow when we suffer from hurt inflicted⁷ by others. We must move past the feelings of a hurt-felt heart and use our reason, our mind, to guide us to healing. Age, maturity⁸, teaches us to “let it go,” “forgive and forget,” but sound reason does not manifest a quick cure. It does, however, keep us from making a bigger mistake. The mind must win the tug-of-war between heart and head. To do otherwise, we would be hurting ourselves even more.

How do we make the head win?

When our heart and mind are conflicted, thinking more about the offense⁹ will only exasperate¹⁰ the situation; we need to distract the mind. Our thoughts need to move on, get off-track, and the best way to distract the mind is to busy the hands.

Performing tasks like cooking, gardening, car maintenance, writing, anything that requires the mind to think about what the hands are doing will give our heart and head the time to eclipse the pain and coalesce¹¹ into a more productive, positive realm. Manual exercise restores the balance to life necessary to heal. The sooner we become productive, the quicker we will be able to forgive. Busying the hands also gives us the time to move past the initial harm. We still may feel hurt, but the hurt won’t feel as deep. The urge for revenge will pass; the head eventually wins.

If you’ve been hurt and find yourself in the tug-of-war between heart and head it may be helpful to take the Forgiveness Test created by Dr. Susan Brown as part of her doctoral dissertation¹² at Fuller Theological Seminary. It is a 14-question, multiple-choice test which helps to identify personal thoughts and behaviors regarding forgiveness. I took the test and discovered I’m half-way there.

What I neglected to consider (as I wallowed in my self-pity) was the source of the problem. Question 13, “I looked for the source of the problem and tried to correct it,” caused a light bulb to go off in my head. Again, the heart was clouding my rational thought. The test made me realize that if I don’t want to be hurt by this person again, I should look for the source of the problem and work to correct it. Being hurt involves two people. Forgiveness is what I do, but that is only half the solution. Resolving the source of the hurt involves both of us. That is what’s necessary for true reconciliation¹³ and lasting¹⁴ peace...the ability to truly forgive and forget, forever.

I’m glad I took the test and I’m glad I wrote this article. I took the time to busy my hands. I don’t feel as hurt now as I did when I began writing. I’m getting closer to true forgiveness and realize I have more work to do before all is well again. In the end, my head won, but so did my heart.

这是一篇难以书写的文章.曾经,我被我很亲密的人伤害过,我知道我得原谅他"她,但这一切说起来很容易,做起来好难.理智上我知道我若不能原谅,伤害我自己的是我内心的怨恨与烦恼,而不是那个人.我曾想过报复,但这只是错上加错…..是的,是错的.

要做什么?

当我徘徊在真正原谅与痛苦伤害的边缘时,我正经历着内心与头脑之间激烈的斗争.我不会去报复,但我也没有做好去原谅的准备,虽然事实上原谅是停止我伤痛的最佳办法.人们都不想被伤害,但是受伤了的人就必须找办法治疗.

当我们被人家伤害时,原谅是我们必须选择去服用的良药.我们必须消除内心那些彻心的痛楚,在我们的理智与意识的指引下治疗我们的心灵.经历过伤害的人告诉我们要“让它随风而去”,要“原谅然后忘记”,但这不是我们能进行快速治疗的充分理由.然而,它可以防止我们犯下更大的错误.头脑的意识必须赢得这场内心与头脑的斗争的胜利,否则,我们只会把自己伤害得更深……如何做才能是头脑获胜?

当我们的内心与头脑意识发生冲突时,过多地想着攻击对方反而把事情弄得更槽.我们需要分散我们的注意力,我们的思想必须得沿着轨道动起来,而分散注意力的好方法是让自己的双手忙起来.

做一些烹饪,护理一下花园,保养一下汽车,写一些东西.做任何需要我们意识去指导的事情,这会让我们的内心与头脑有一定的时间去冲淡痛楚,合并更多积极有效的思想领域.身体运动能恢复生活的平衡,这是身心恢复所需要的.我们越快恢复效率,我们就能更快地去原谅.使自己的双手忙起来也能给予我们时间去除最初的伤痛.也许我们仍感到痛苦,但那痛苦已经没有原来那么深了.报复的冲动没有了,头脑会最终获得胜利.

假如你被伤害了并发现自己正处于内心与头脑的斗争中,你可以尝试做一下由Susan Brown博士在福乐神学院做博士论文时研发的原谅测试,这对你是有用的.测试有14道多项选择题,它能帮助你分清关于原谅的个人思想和行为.当我做完测试时,我发现我已经成功了一半了.

我不想去考虑是我问题的根源,因为我完全沉浸在自怜之中.第13道题目“我寻找了问题的根源并设法去改正了它”像一个小灯泡照耀在我的脑海里.再一次,内心笼罩着我的理智思想.这个测试让我明白,如果我不想再一次被那个人伤害,我就必须找到问题的根源,然后努力去改正它.伤害是相互的.原谅是我需要做的,但这只是解决问题的一半而已.解决伤害的根源需要两个人去努力.这是真正的和解与永远的友好所需要的……需要一种能力去真正地原谅,然后永远忘却.

我很高兴我做了这个测试并写下这篇文章.我花了时间让自己的双手忙了起来,我没有像刚写作时那么痛苦了.我离真正原谅更加近了.我意识到.在完全恢复前有许多事情要我去做.到最后,我的头脑获胜了.然而,我的内心也是如此.