And malt does more than Milton can

To justify¹ God's ways to man.

A. E. Housman (1859 - 1936)

Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake.

Bible, 1 Timothy v. 23.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Dave Barry (1947 - ), "The Taming of the Screw"

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

Dean Martin

Bacchus hath drowned more men than Neptune².

Dr. Thomas Fuller (1654 - 1734), Gnomologia, 1732

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Ernest Hemingway (1899 - 1961)

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

Fran Lebowitz (1950 - )

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998)

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998)

[Water is] the only drink for a wise man.

Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

It is better to hide ignorance, but it is hard to do this when we relax over wine.

Heraclitus (540 BC - 480 BC), On the Universe

The wine urges me on, the bewitching wine, which sets even a wise man to singing and to laughing gently and rouses him up to dance and brings forth³ words which were better unspoken.

Homer (800 BC - 700 BC), The Odyssey⁴

Nothing anyone says in a bar is true.

Mark Ruffalo, In Style Magazine, 11-08

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

Martin Mull (1943 - )

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

Nancy Astor (1879 - 1964)

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.

Oscar Levant (1906 - 1972)

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900), In Life of Oscar Wilde, H. Pearson

Slap a mask on a drunk and you're going to have trouble. It's like having a live reenactment of anonymous⁵ forum⁶ comments.

Randy K. Milholland, Something Positive, Masquerade, 09-09-13

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.

Robert Benchley (1889 - 1945)

I always keep a supply of stimulant⁷ handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.

W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

Reminds me of my safari⁸ in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

It's always difficult to make conversation with a drunk, and there's no denying it, the sober are at a disadvantage with him.

W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965), The Razor's Edge, 1943