We cannot obtain what we want unless our partner also gets what he or she wants. A woman may, for instance, want to go to the symphony. Her husband might hate symphonies. But by spending a few hours listening to music he doesn’t care for, he can bring joy to his partner. That’s a pretty cheap price to pay for joy, isn’t it?

我们不可能得到自己想要的东西，除非我们的配偶得到他（或她）想要的。例如：一个女人想去听一场交响乐，而她的丈夫却讨厌交响乐，只要丈夫宁愿花几个小时去听一下他不喜欢的音乐，就可以给他的配偶带来快乐，难道这不是一个很廉价的换取快乐的办法吗？

[11]But what if a husband wants to go on a fishing trip with friends? Suddenly there aren’t a lot of samples in the wallpaper book: his wife either agrees or not.

[11]但是如果丈夫想要和他的朋友们一起去钓鱼呢？这时妻子就面临同意或不同意的抉择，就像墙纸样手册中突然没有许多样纸可供挑选了。

[12]Already you can hear the usual power strategies: “I’ll spend my money any way I please,” or “How come you’re such a millstone? Jim’s wife is happy that he gets to go.”

[12]你也许已听说过这样的权力策略：“我可以随意花我自己的钱。”或：“你怎么这样麻烦？吉姆的妻子就高兴他随便去哪儿。”

[13]Instead of such strategies, he might try empowering his partner: “Honey, I’d like to go on a fishing trip with the boys. What do you think?” “I thought we were going away.” “How about this fall? I’ve always wanted to take a trip with you to see the fall foliage¹ in New England.” “Good idea. I’ll go see my mother while you’re fishing.” Such a dialogue, as idealistic as it sounds, is born of a marriage of mature adults.

[13]不采用这种办法，丈夫可以把事情让妻子自己决定：“亲爱的，我想和小伙子们一块去钓鱼，你看怎样？” “我想还是我们一块出去吧。” “今年秋天再去怎样？我一直想跟你去新英格兰看一看秋天的落叶。” “好吧。你去钓鱼而我回家看母亲。” 这样的对话，听起来是最理想的了。它只能发生在很成熟的成年人配偶之间。

[14]But what if she says, “You always make promises you never keep. This fall there will be some excuse. I think you owe me a trip first”? Now he must decide. Is she right? She could be, you know. When the couple arrives at this juncture², it’s time for him to listen.

[14]但如果妻子说：“你从不信守诺言。到今年秋天你又会有别的借口。我想是你首先欠我一次出游，对吧？”这样丈夫就必须决定，他的妻子是否正确。要知道，他的妻子可能是正确的。当双方到了这样一个关键时刻，丈夫就应该听从了。

[15]When anger is hurled³ at us, it hurts us. If it were a pistol, I would insist anger, like control, be checked at the door. But anger can also be a response to pain. So when your spouse⁴ responds in anger, you must terminate the argument. It’s that simple: the argument must end because another person may be in pain.

[15]如果激愤在我们之间爆发，它会伤害我们的感情。如果激愤是一把手枪，我认为也要像对待控制他人的欲望一样，要在一开始就不让它发射出来。但是愤怒可以是内心伤痛的一种释放。当你的配偶释放愤怒的时候，你就必须停止争吵。道理很简单，争吵必须终止，因为其中一人可能已被触动内心的痛处。

[16]Try this: Let a little space occur between you. Let the storm recede⁵ a little. Then tell your partner you understand that when a person is angry, it means she’s been hurt, and that you want to do something about it because you love her.

[16]不妨这样试一下：让你们之间的紧张松弛一下，让你们之间的风暴平息一点。告诉你的妻子你理解她的激愤，你知道她内心有伤痛，你愿意为此做点什么，因为你爱她。

[17]Perhaps she’ll tell you why she’s hurt—angrily. Try not to be put off, but to hear the anger as sounds of hurt. When you discover the pain, you can address its cause, and the anger will begin to fade.

[17]也许她会愤怒地告诉你她为什么受伤，不要拖延，只管倾听她激愤的表达。当你发现她的痛处是什么时，你可以说出它的原因，这样激愤就可以平抚。

[18]You’re allowed to get angry too. But dumping anger on your partner is a poor way to soothe⁶ your hurt. When you talk of your hurt without anger, an unangry response usually comes.

[18]你自己也可以表示愤怒，但是对你的配偶宣泄你的激愤不是一个抚平内心伤痛的好办法。你如心平气和地说出你的隐伤，你会得到心平气和的理解。

[19] So remember: If you want to overcome anger in your relationship, search for the hurt. If you want to feel loved and respected, give up control. And if you want to win arguments at home, learn to lose them.

[19]所以请记住：如果你要想在你们的关系中克服激愤，那么就要找出内心的伤痛；如果你要想得到爱和尊重，就必须放弃对伴侣的控制；如果你想要赢得家中的口角，就先学会认输吧！