First dates are always nerve-wracking -- that's a given. So many questions! Where will we go? What if I'm gassy? Should I let him pay or should I offer to split the tab? What will we talk about? Will he like me? More importantly, will I like him?

第一次约会总是很紧张的，这是肯定的。你会有很多问题：我们去哪?他觉得我没内涵咋办?我是让他请还是各付各的?跟他说点啥?他会喜欢我吗?更重要的是，我会喜欢他吗?

All valid¹ queries², but possibly the most pressing question any of us worry about is, what in the hell am I going to wear?

在我们担心的所有问题里，最正常但可能也是最有压力的一个是，我到底应该穿啥?

I am not a fashionista. Let me get that right out of the way. My jeans are Levi's and the only Prada I own was purchased off eBay. As I write this, I'm wearing a Gap T-shirt covered in cat hair and yellow ankle socks with bumblebees embroidered³ on them。

我也不是啥时尚达人。咱就直接说了，我的牛仔裤是Levi's，唯一一个Prada还是eBay上买的。我写这篇文章的时候，我穿的是Gap大卖场的T恤，上面粘的都是猫毛，一双有大黄蜂团的黄色短袜。

But while I don't know where hemlines are headed or what color will be the new black next season, I do have a handle on what you shouldn't wear on a date -- especially a first date。

不过就算我不知道裙摆应该朝哪边，啥颜色会进入下一季的黑名单，我的的确确知道你约会不能穿啥，尤其是第一次约会的时候。

Under where?

内衣穿啥?

Bad underwear isn't necessarily ugly or old. It's the bra that pushes your boobies up beautifully, but pinches your underarm chub. It's the boyshorts you paid $50 for, but ride up your butt⁴ crack every time you climb a stair。

不是只有难看的或者旧的内裤才是糟糕的。就算你的内衣可以很好的衬托出你的胸型，把你腋下的肉挤得跟鲑鱼似的也不行。你可能花了50块钱买了条低腰平脚短裤，但是每次你爬个台阶你的屁屁都快裂开了，这都是糟糕的。

And yes, sexy Underoos can make a girl feel sassy, but that effect is lost when you're constantly digging elastic⁵ out of your behind。

是，性感型的能让一姑娘觉得自己挺时髦的，不过你总得去拽后边的松紧带的话，就啥效果都没了。

Battle of "The Bulge⁶"

和“赘肉”的战斗

While it's true that support garments count as underwear, I thought the scourge⁷ of the Spanx deserved its own entry. I once wore one of these Instruments of Torture on a TV audition⁸ and I'm sure the pained look on my face went a long way towards ensuring you'll never see me on prime time。

塑型美体的也算内衣，我承认，我以为Spanx牌子带来的折磨是值得的。我曾经穿了这种残忍的刑具去参加一个电视试镜，我确定我调整了好久才没让你们在电视上看见我疼得龇牙咧嘴的样子。

I get that we all want to look thinner than we actually are, but believe me, most guys would rather see a little belly⁹ bulge than deal with a cranky, cramping¹⁰ girl all night。

我明白咱都想看着比实际瘦点，但是相信我，大部分男生都宁愿面对一个有点小肚子的姑娘也不愿意一整晚都面对一个被箍得快发疯的姑娘。

Romper stomper¹¹

背带裤连体服

The romper/jumpsuit craze is one trend I will be happy to see end. Whether or not you're planning on getting naked with your date, wearing a one-piece tells your boy that he's going to have to work hard to get there. Too hard. No matter how deluded¹² he might be, a guy always wants to imagine he has a chance of enticing¹³ you into a dark corner for a little hooking up。

背带裤连体服是我非常乐意看到走向没落的东西，不管你是否计划这次约会有什么深入发展，穿着一件连体服就是告诉男生，他要付出非常大的努力才能让你们的关系有实质性的进展，也许怎么努力都不行。就算是自欺欺人也好，男生总是愿意想象自己有个机会把你带到什么黑暗的角落开心一下。

A jumpsuit says that ain't going to happen. Not to mention that unless you're a race car driver or a 3-year-old, the all-in-one outfit¹⁴ makes you look like a moron。

一件连体服就意味着这根本不可能发生。所以，如果你不是个赛车手也不是三岁小孩，别穿这个，这种连在一起的衣服让你看着像个傻瓜。

Torture by toenail

被脚趾折磨

My boyfriend still reminds me of the time I wore a pair of sassy heels out to see his favorite band and made him leave before they even went onstage because my feet had turned into bleeding stumps¹⁶. (I offered to leave on my own, but being a gentleman, he helped me hobble home and promptly¹⁷ never let me forget it。)

我男朋友到现在还在说我有一次穿了一双很时髦的高跟鞋，陪他去看他最喜欢的乐队，最后在乐队上台之前就不得不拖着他离开，因为我的脚已经撑不住了。(我跟他说我可以自己走，不过作为一个绅士，他还是帮我一瘸一拐的走回了家，然后让我对这件事永世不忘。)

I know many women can wear sky-high heels with ease, but unless you're one of them, don't. I'm not saying you should wear sneaks¹⁸, or worse, Uggs, but try to find some sort of manageable middle ground。

我知道有些女生就算踩着高跷也能很轻松的走路，除非你也是这样的，否则不要穿太高跟的鞋子。我不是说你要穿运动鞋，或者Ugg啥的，不过找找那些你穿得来的中等高度的鞋子吧。

Costume ball

化装舞会

Lady Gaga can wear a metallic¹⁹ pleather bodysuit, wrap-around sunglasses and peep-toe, patent-leather booties. You can't。

雷帝嘎嘎可以穿着金属的仿皮革的衣服，带着大大的太阳镜，穿露趾凉鞋啥的，你不行