“Nothing,” Soraya said, smiling. “没什么。”索拉雅微笑说。

“Liar¹.” I lifted Baba’s blanket. “What’s this?” I said, though as soon as I picked up the leather-bound book, I knew. I traced my fingers along the gold-stitched borders. I remembered the fire works the night Rahim Khan had given it to me, the night of my thirteenth birthday, flares² sizzling and exploding into bouquets³ of red, green, and yellow. “骗人。”我掀起爸爸的毛毯。“这是什么？”我说，虽然我刚一拿起那本皮面的笔记本，心里就知道了。我的手指抚摸着那挑金线的边缘。我记得拉辛汗把它送给我那夜，我 13岁生日那夜，烟花嘶嘶升空，绽放出朵朵的火焰，红的，绿的，黄的。

“I can’t believe you can write like this,” Soraya said. “我简直无法相信你会写这些东西。”索拉雅说。

Baba dragged his head off the pillow. “I put her up to it. I hope you don’t mind.”I gave the notebook back to Soraya and left the room. Baba hated it when I cried. 爸爸艰难地从枕上抬起头：“是我给她的，希望你别介意。”我把笔记本交回给索拉雅，走出房间。爸爸不喜欢见到我哭泣。

A MONTH AFTER THE WEDDING, the Taheris, Sharif, his wife Suzy, and several of Soraya’s aunts came over to our apartment for dinner. Soraya made sabzi challow--white rice with spinach⁴ and lamb. After dinner, we all had green tea and played cards in groups of four. Soraya and I played with Sharif and Suzy on the coffee table, next to the couch where Baba lay under a wool blanket. He watched me joking with Sharif, watched Soraya and me lacing our fingers together, watched me push back a loose curl of her hair. I could see his internal smile, as wide as the skies of Kabul on nights when the poplars shivered and the sound of crickets swelled⁵ in the gardens. 婚礼之后一个月，塔赫里夫妇、沙利夫和他的妻子苏丝，还有索拉雅几个阿姨到我们家吃晚饭。索拉雅用白米饭、菠菜和羊肉招待客人。晚饭后，大家都喝着绿茶，四人一组打扑克牌。索拉雅和我在咖啡桌上跟沙利夫两口子对垒，旁边就是沙发，爸爸躺在上面，盖着毛毯。他看着我和沙利夫开玩笑，看着索拉雅和我勾指头，看着我帮她掠起一丝滑落的秀发。我能见到他发自内心的微笑，辽阔如同喀布尔的夜空，那些白杨树沙沙响、蟋蟀在花园啾啾叫的夜晚。

As words from the Koran reverberated⁶ through the room, I thought of the old story of Baba wrestling a black bear in Baluchistan. Baba had wrestled⁷ bears his whole life. Losing his young wife. Raising a son by himself. Leaving his beloved homeland, his watan. Poverty. Indignity⁸. In the end, a bear had come that he couldn’t best. But even then, he had lost on his own terms. 《可兰经》的经文在屋子里回荡，我想起爸爸在俾路支赤手空拳和黑熊搏斗那个古老的传说。爸爸毕生都在和熊搏斗。痛失正值芳年的妻子；独自把儿子抚养成人；离开他深爱的家园，他的祖国；遭受贫穷、屈辱。而到了最后，终于来了一只他无法打败的熊。但即便这样，他也绝不妥协。

After each round of prayers, groups of mourners lined up and greeted me on their way out. Dutifully, I shook their hands. Many of them I barely knew I smiled politely, thanked them for their wishes, listened to whatever they had to say about Baba. 每轮祷告过后，成群的哀悼者排着队，他们在退出的时候安慰我。我尽人子之责，和他们握手。他们之中大多数人我素未晤面。我不失礼节地微笑，感谢他们的祝愿，倾听他们提到爸爸时的言语。

“...helped me build the house in Taimani...“ bless him... “……帮我在泰曼尼盖了房子……”“……保佑他……”

“...no one else to turn to and he lent me...” “……我走投无路，他借钱给我……”

“...found me a job... barely knew me...” “……他与我一面之缘，帮我找到工作……”

“...like a brother to me...” “……他就像我的兄弟……”

Listening to them, I realized how much of who I was, what I was, had been defined by Baba and the marks he had left on people’s lives. My whole life, I had been “Baba’s son.” Now he was gone. 听到这些，我才明白自己的生活、身上的秉性有多少是来自爸爸，才知道他在人们的生命中留下的烙印。终我一生，我是“爸爸的儿子 ”。如今他走了。

Baba couldn’t show me the way anymore; I’d have to find it on my own.The thought of it terrified me.Earlier, at the gravesite in the small Muslim section of the cemetery⁹, I had watched them lower Baba into the hole. The ??mul Iah and another man got into an argument over which was the correct ayat of the Koran to recite at the gravesite. It might have turned ugly had General Taheri not intervened. The mullah chose an ayat and recited it, casting the other fellow nasty glances. I watched them toss the first shovelful¹⁰ of dirt into the grave. Then I left. Walked to the other side of the cemetery. Sat in the shade of a red maple¹¹. 爸爸再也不会替我引路了，我得自己走。想到这个，我不由害怕。早些时候，在公共墓地那块小小的穆斯林墓区，我看着他们将爸爸放到墓穴里面。毛拉和另外一个男人开始争论，在下葬的时候究竟该引用哪段《可兰经》经文才算正确。若非塔赫里将军插手，他们一定闹得不可开交。毛拉选了一段经文，将其颂读出来，鄙夷地望着那个人。我看着他们将第一铲泥土丢进爸爸墓穴，然后走开。我走到墓园的另一边，坐在一株红枫树的阴影下面。