ON a reporting expedition¹ to Los Angeles recently, I realized I could stop renting cars.

在一次前往洛杉矶做报道的过程中，我意识到自己可以不用租车了。

I would never again have to brave the L.A. freeway behind the wheel. I would never have to obsess², like the characters in the “Saturday Night Live” skit³, “The Californians,” about taking the 101 to the 110 and Canyon⁴ View Drive over to San Vincente to the 10, then switching over to the 405 North and getting dumped out onto Mulholland.

我永远无需再勇敢地在洛杉矶的高速公路驾车行驶了。我永远无需再像《周六夜现场》(Saturday Night Live)短剧《加州人》(The Californians)中的角色那样，迷恋于从101道开到110道和峡谷景观道，到圣文森特，再到10道，然后转入405北道，再到穆赫兰下车了。

I had Uber.

因为我有了优步(Uber)。

Even in the land of movie stars, you could feel like a movie star when your Uber chauffeur⁵ rolled up. Standing⁶ in front of the Sunset Tower Hotel, I tapped my Uber app and saw five little cars swarming⁷ around my location. But, suddenly, they scattered⁸ in the opposite direction. I stood in the driveway, perplexed⁹. Finally, a car pulled up, and the driver waved me in.

在电影明星的地界，当你的优步司机开车过来时，你也会觉得自己有点像个电影明星。站在日落塔酒店(Sunset Tower Hotel)的门前，我点了点优步应用，看到五辆车围在附近。但是，突然间，他们向相反的方向四散而去。我站在车道上，茫然不知所措。最后终于有辆车停下了，司机挥手让我上车。

“Do you know why no one wanted to pick you up?” he asked. “Because you have a low rating.”

“你知道为什么没人愿意载你吗？”他问道。“因为你的星级有点低。”

(Uber drivers see your rating once they accept the request and then can cancel.)

（优步司机在接受你的请求后可以看到你的星级，然后可以取消单子。）

I was shocked. Blinded by the wondrous¹⁰ handiness of Uber, I had missed the fact that while I got to rate them, they got to rate me back.

我万分震惊。我只看到了优步神奇的便捷性，竟没有留意我在给他们打分的同时，他们其实也在给我打分。

Revealing that I had only 4.2 stars, my driver continued to school me. “You don’t always come out right away,” he said, sternly, adding that I would have to work hard to be more appealing if I wanted to get drivers to pick me up.

结果我只有4.2星，这位司机向我解释说。“你有时候没有立刻出来上车，”他严肃地表示，说我必须努力，变得更有吸引力一些，才会有司机愿意载我。

Uber began to feel less like a dependable employee and more like an irritated boyfriend.

我开始觉得优步不那么像是一个可靠的雇员，而更像是一个不耐烦的男朋友了。

I know Uber has the image of an obnoxious¹¹ digital robber baron¹², a company that plays dirty tricks and proves that convenience “makes hypocrites of us all,” as John Naughton put it in The Guardian¹³, noting that its very name has connotations of Nietzschean superiority. (Travis Kalanick, the C.E.O., coined the word “Boob-er” to describe his greater appeal to women because of his success.)

我知道，优步的形象如同一个令人讨厌的数字大盗，不时玩弄卑鄙的花招。正如约翰·诺顿(John Naughton)在《卫报》(The Guardian)上所说，它证明了便捷性“让我们所有人都成了伪君子”，而它的名字带有一种尼采式的高人一等的含义。（公司首席执行官特拉维斯·卡兰尼克[Travis Kalanick]用“妞步”[Boob-er]这个词来吹嘘自己因为获得成功而对女性拥有了更大的吸引力。）

But it is a boon¹⁴ for women out on their own — unless you get a driver who harasses¹⁵ you and knows where you live. (After a driver allegedly raped¹⁶ a New Delhi passenger in December, Uber introduced an in-app emergency button in India.)

不过，这个服务本身对女性是一个福音——除非有司机骚扰你，又知道你住在哪里。（去年12月有名新德里司机被指强奸乘客，之后优步在印度版的应用中添加了一个紧急按钮。）

What I had loved about Uber was that, unlike in every other aspect of my high-tech¹⁷ world, I didn’t feel judged. My worth wasn’t being measured by clicks, likes, hits, views, retweets, hashtags, Snaps, thumbs-up or repins.

我喜欢优步，因为它和我使用的其他所有高科技服务有一个不同之处，那就是我觉得不会遭到评判。在它那里，我的价值不是由点击、赞、敲击、观看、转推、标签、SnapChat讯息、顶或Pinterest转发来衡量的。

Except then I learned that sitting in an Uber car was pretty much like sitting in my office: How much have you developed your audience? How much have you been shared? How much have you engaged your reader? Are you trending?

结果我发现，坐在一辆优步专车里其实类似于坐在办公室里：你培养了多少受众？你有多少内容获得了分享？你的读者参与度高吗？你上热门榜了吗？

I was trending on Uber, all right, and not in a good way. I had avoided Lyft not only because of that pink mustache but because I had heard that you were encouraged to sit up front with drivers and give them fist-bumps. It seemed more like The Flintstones’ car than Cinderella’s pumpkin¹⁸ coach.

我倒是在优步上红了，但不是因为什么好事。我一直对Lyft敬而远之，不仅是因为那撇粉红色的胡子，也因为我听说，它鼓励乘客坐在副驾驶的位置上，和司机碰拳。它似乎更像《摩登原始人》(The Flintstones)的车，而不是灰姑娘的南瓜车。

But, now, instead of quietly sitting in the back seat of my Uber and checking my phone or reading the paper, I had to start working to charm.

但是现在，我不能安静地坐在优步专车的后座里查看手机或浏览报纸。我必须开始努力套近乎了。

“Your husband likes oysters¹⁹?” I enthused to one woman driving me in San Francisco.

“你老公喜欢牡蛎吗？”我热情地问旧金山的一位女司机。

“What are the kids up to this summer?” I chirped²⁰ to another.

“你的孩子们今年夏天有什么打算呀？”我欢快地与另一个司机聊。

It was starting to have the vibe of friending, liking²¹ and sharing on Facebook, and that always gives me acid flashbacks to the ’80s when I was forced to go to my brother’s house and watch slides of his wedding. Finally, my nephew explained that I didn’t need to grovel²² or gush²³. I simply needed to say, as I got out of the car, “Five for five.” If I promised to give them five stars — even in the Wild West of Uber X, where the drivers often seem so unfamiliar²⁴ with the local terrain²⁵ it’s as though they’ve arrived from Mars — they would give me five stars.

这有一种在Facebook上加朋友、点赞和分享的感觉，并总是让我回想起80年代被迫去兄弟家观看他的婚礼幻灯片的难受情景。最后，我的侄子解释，我并不需要讨好司机或表现得很热情，而是只需要在下车的时候来句“互打五星吧”。也就是说，如果我答应给他们打五颗星——就算是闯入了Uber X这样的蛮荒之地，体验到司机往往对当地路况一无所知，好像他们是从火星来的——他们就会给我打五星。

Bribery²⁶. Lies. Cover-up. My Uber app turns out to have all the usual Washington vices²⁷.

贿赂、谎言、包庇。到头来，我的优步应用染上了华盛顿常见的所有恶习。

An article in Business Insider advised giving an extra cash tip and not passing gas if you want a five-star rating. Enough passengers throw up that there’s an official policy. (A fine between $50 and $200.)

“商业内幕”(Business Insider)网站有篇文章奉劝大家，如果想获得五星，最好给司机一点额外的现金小费，并且不要在车里放屁。有不少乘客在车里呕吐，以至于公司特地制定了这方面的规定（赔偿在50到200美元之间）。

Coming from a family of Irish maids, I had been looking forward to the concierge²⁸ democracy, where we could all be masters of Downton Abbey, butled by drones and summoning staff by just touching our smartphones.

由于来自爱尔兰女佣家庭，我一直期待着杂役的民主化。到那时，我们就都会成为《唐顿庄园》(Downton Abbey)中的主人，由无人驾驶飞机服侍，通过轻点智能手机来使唤人。

As The Wall Street Journal recently reported, “There’s an Uber for everything now. Washio is for having someone do your laundry, Sprig and SpoonRocket cook your dinner and Shyp will mail things out so you don’t have to brave the post office. Zeel delivers a massage²⁹ therapist (complete with table). Heal sends a doctor on a house call, while Saucey will rush over alcohol. And by Jeeves — cutesy names are part of the schtick — Dufl will pack your suitcase and Eaze will reup a medical marijuana supply.”

正如《华尔街日报》(The Wall Street Journal)近日所述，“每个领域现在都有一个优步。你可以用Washio找人帮你洗衣，用Sprig和SpoonRocket找人帮你做饭，通过Shyp来邮寄东西，这样你就不必亲自去和邮局打交道。你可以用Zeel叫按摩治疗师（自带按摩桌），用Heal叫出诊医生，用Saucey让人送来酒水。通过Jeeves——讨喜的名字也是其噱头的组成部分——Dufl会帮你收拾手提箱，Eaze则会补充你的医用大麻。”

There is also Luxe, which uses GPS to offer a personal parking valet dressed in a blue uniform who will meet you at your destination and park your car for you.

还有Luxe，可以通过GPS提供一名身着蓝色制服的私人服务生，在目的地等着你，为你泊车。

But they’ll no doubt all have mutually insured destruction rating systems, too, so Saucey will reveal how politely I grab my bottle of Grey Goose.

但是，毫无疑问，这些服务全都拥有双向评级系统，所以Saucey上的评分可以体现我接过灰雁伏特加(Grey Goose)的时候有多么礼貌。

I’ve only yanked my rating up a tenth of a point in the last two weeks. I’m hoping Uber’s self-driving cars will like me more. But somehow I think the robots will be even more judgy.

过去两周里，我的优步星级只提升了0.1。我希望优步的无人驾驶汽车会更喜欢我。但不知何故，我觉得机器评判起人来只会更加冷酷无情。