I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

我做了这么多整容手术，等我死了以后他们可以把我的遗体捐给特百惠（家用塑料制品公司）。

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

我从不锻炼。如果上帝想让我弯弯腰，那他必须在地上铺满钻石。

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud¹.

时尚杂志建议女人穿适合自己年龄的衣服。如果是这样我岂不是要穿裹尸布。

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash².

我的产科医师太蠢了，在我生孩子的时候他居然忘记剪断脐带。结果那个孩子足足跟了我一年，我走到哪她跟到哪，简直像是牵了一条狗。

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

我希望我能有个双胞胎姐妹，这样我就能知道没有整容的我是个什么样子。

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives³ that keep me going.

我每一天都为自己能活着而感恩，所有的器官都能正常运转，我把这归功于吃了很多加工食品。我认为这都是防腐剂的功劳。

My husband wanted to be cremated⁴. I told him I'd scatter⁵ his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

我的丈夫希望死后被火化。我告诉他我会把他的骨灰撒在尼曼商场，这样我才能每天都去看他。

Look at Gwyneth Paltrow being named the most beautiful this year. She got Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder to vote.

格温妮丝•帕特洛居然被评为最美女性，给她投票的一定是海伦•凯勒和史蒂夫•汪德。（两个人都是盲人）

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks⁶.

我的爱情生活就像一块瑞士奶酪。大部分是空洞的，剩下的是臭的。

I said to my mother-in-law, “My house is your house.” She said, “Get the hell off my property.”

我对我的婆婆说：“我的房子就是你的房子。”我婆婆说：“滚出我的房子。”