Challenges to a Lasting¹ Relationship

"Of all the misconceptions about love, the most powerful and pervasive² is the belief that falling in love is love or at least one of the manifestations³ of love." -- M. SCOTT PECK

People who are married or in committed relationships are healthier, wealthier, and happier. So why do more than 60 percent of marriages end in divorce? Why has the national divorce rate climbed more than 200 percent in the last thirty years? And why are fewer people getting married today than ever before?

The answers to these questions are plentiful⁴, but the main reason is simple. It"s easy to "fall" in love, but very few people know how to stay in love. Even though staying in love is our "smartest" choice all the way around! Recent studies on marriage prove it"s one of the major ingredients in life-long success for men and women. "It lengthens⁵ life, substantially boosts physical and emotional health, and raises income over that of single or divorced people or those who live together," reported an article in the New York Times. Marriage has also been found to boost happiness, reduce the degree of depression, and provide protection from sexually transmitted diseases.

So let"s wake up, make up, and turn this trend around! One of the most startling pieces of evidence that shows people are not in touch with what"s really going on in their partnerships⁶ is the fact that the majority of people who file for divorce say they didn"t think there was a relationship-threatening problem just six months prior⁷ to breaking up. Another shocker is that most couples wait six years or more to seek professional help when their relationship is in danger. By the time they do wake up and smell the coffee, it"s often too late.

Truly there is no reason to resign yourself to a bad relationship ? whether you"re dating or married. Rather than changing partners and ending up this same predicament again, you can learn to have a fabulous⁸ relationship with the partner you already have! I strongly encourage you to make the relationship you have work, because there is a higher rate of divorce and adultery in second marriages.

Getting rid of your partner does not get rid of the problem, because half of the "problem" is yours. You can walk out on your marriage, but you can"t run away from yourself, no matter how hard you try! Rather than blaming each other, couples can learn how to work as a team and coach each other through the troubled times and power struggles. To do this, you must create a "safe" relationship so you can express your needs and fears and effectively resolve anger and conflict. More relationships break up because people don"t know how to validate⁹ each other (that frustration¹⁰ escalates¹¹ to become anger) than for any other reason. This is truly a shame, because the skills for "fighting fair" are very easy to master with just a little practice and patience.

One of the biggest causes of unresolved anger between people is a lack of understanding. Men and women have different strengths and weaknesses, different ways of expressing ourselves, and different "childhood wounds" that we"re trying to heal. While it may seem like we"re from different planets we are actually very much alike when it comes to our need and desire for love and intimacy¹². We only behave differently in our quests for closeness. Stop doing what you think is "fair" or "right" and start doing what works! It"s not about "working harder" it"s about "working smarter".