If you're old enough to read these words, there’s a 99.9% chance you’ve said something to piss off a woman. And while we’re sure you probably didn’t mean to elicit¹ that strong of a reaction, you can probably recall a few cringe-worthy memories when some flippant remark made your girl (or a complete stranger) fly off the handle.

如果你是到了一定年纪才来看这篇文章，那很可能是你说了什么不中听的话惹恼了某个女性。不过虽然我们明白你并无心让对方生气，但是你一定也能回忆起几段因为失言而得罪了你的爱人（或者某个陌生女人）的尴尬经历。

To help you know what not to say to any woman from here on out, we asked 10 female comedians³ about what men say that irritates them the most. Here are their takes on the words that should never leave your lips again—unless you really enjoy the doghouse.

为了帮助大家弄清楚女性对哪些来自男性的话最反感，我们询问了10个女喜剧演员。以下是她们的回答。看完这些，你要是不想住狗窝的话，可千万不要再把这样的话挂在嘴边了。

“Are you wearing that?”

No.1 “你真的要穿这件衣服？”

“If you’re taking me out somewhere, and you see me with clothes on, then yes, I'm wearing that. This is not a hologram outfit⁴ under which I'm actually naked and about to get dressed in something you won't passive-aggressively tell me you don't like.”

–Fara Greenbaum, comedian², New York City

“你跟我出门的时候，如果你看见我穿了，那我就是穿了。我并没有裸体穿全息服装，我也不打算换上合你口味的衣服。”

——喜剧演员法拉·格林鲍姆，来自纽约

“You should smile more.”

No.2 “你应该多笑笑。”

“I hate when guys tell me to smile more. Maybe I just got fired today. Maybe I've just been walking around in 5-inch heels all day. Maybe I'm just not impressed with your mesh⁶ t-shirt. I don't tell you to do things, like get a haircut. But you definitely need one.”

-Chrissie Mayr, comedian and host of Comedy at Stonewall Inn, New York City

“我很讨厌男人告诉我要多笑笑。我今天不笑，或许是因为我今天被炒了鱿鱼，或许是因为我已经穿5英寸的高跟鞋走了一整天，或许只是因为我对你的网眼T恤无感。我并没有叫你去理发或者做别的什么事，尽管你的确该理发了。”

——喜剧演员、《石墙旅店》主持人克里希·迈尔，来自纽约

“A pet peeve⁷ is when strangers—always men—tell me to smile. This happens a lot on the NYC subway, and no one on the subway is happy to be taking the subway. While waiting for the train one day, a guy asked me, ‘Why aren't you smiling?’ and I told him, ‘Because I didn't push you in front of the train yet.’

-Jessica Sager⁸, comedian, New York City

“我很受不了陌生人（一般都是男人）让我多笑一笑。这样的事情常常发生在纽约的地铁上，没有哪个坐地铁的人是喜欢坐地铁的。有一天，我在等地铁，一个家伙问我：‘你怎么不笑呢？’我回答：‘因为我还没把你推到列车前面去。’

——喜剧演员杰西卡·赛琪，来自纽约

"You're too pretty to [FILL IN THE BLANK]."

No.3 “你太漂亮了，所以不要这样……做”

“A friend of mine encountered this pretty recently when a man came up to her after a show she was on and told her she was too pretty to use explicit⁹ language during her act. Unfortunately, this sort of comment crops up more than you'd think, as well as the notion that women can't be both ‘pretty and funny.’ This sort of backhanded compliment is guaranteed to incite¹⁰ rage in the recipient¹¹ because, shocker, I don’t like being told what I can and can't do because of the way society may perceive me. And no, I’m not too pretty to kick your ass⁵.”

-Nikki Black, comedian, Philadelphia, PA

“我的一个朋友前不久遭遇了这么一件事：一个男人在她演出结束后对她说，她太漂亮了，不该在台上使用那样露骨的语言。不幸的是，这样的评论可不少见，好像女性绝对不能‘既漂亮又有趣’一样。这样讽刺挖苦的恭维话真的很让人不爽，因为我不喜欢别人按照外界的标准来告诉我可以怎样和不可以怎样。对，我很漂亮，但我一样可以揍你！”

——喜剧演员兼项目管理员尼基·布莱克，来自费城

"You wanna watch a movie?"

No.4 “你想看部电影吗？”

“I love movies. But come on, we all know what that means! 'You wanna watch a movie?' translates to 'Let’s bone.' Most sentences uttered by men can be translated to 'You wanna f---?' Sure, let’s bone but you said we could watch my favorite movie! You can't ask a movie lover to watch a movie unless you plan on finishing the flick¹². You better be a real good fella if you're going to interrupt Good Fellas.”

-Jessimae Peluso, comedian and star of MTV’s Girl Code

“我确实喜欢看电影。但是，我们都知道那是什么意思。‘你想看部电影吗？’就是‘你想约炮吗？’其实男人很多话都有那样的意思。你明明是那个意思，却偏要说‘我们看部喜欢的电影吧’。除非你真的打算好好把电影看完，否则你绝不能对一个电影爱好者提出去看电影。如果你想在看《好家伙》的时候中途离开，那么你最好自己是个真正的好家伙。

——喜剧演员杰西米·佩鲁索，MTV连续剧《女孩密码》演员

“You look tired.”

No.5 “你看起来很累。”

“This makes me irate¹³! (And I never say that word!) This is never okay! No one ever wants to hear that, especially a girl. We already have enough problems trying to keep things sucked and tucked in all day let alone you telling us we look like we didn't sleep well. Yeah, yeah, I am tired. I'm busy walking my dogs, writing a book, touring the country, putting on acrobatic lingerie, and posing for you all while you make yogurt commercials. ”

-Jessimae Peluso

“这句话真的让我很不爽（我才不说这样的话）！这根本就很让人讨厌。没有人想听到这话，特别是女孩。我们整天忙这忙那已经够了，不用你来提醒我们的气色有多差。我承认我很累。我忙着遛狗，忙着写书，忙着旅游，忙着穿杂技服，在你拍摄酸奶广告的时候，我还得忙着给你当模特。”

——杰西米·佩鲁索

“Have you lost weight?”

No.6 “你减肥了吗?”

“When a guy says this, or 'Wow, you look slimmer!' my blood starts to boil because, nope, I'm the exact same weight I was yesterday. I resist the urge to grab a marker, pants this doofus, circle all his fat and instead say, 'I haven't lost any weight. But you've lost any chance of going home with me.' The only way this dude can recover is by full-on admitting he was just trying to be nice and didn't know what else to say because I'm always looking great. But seriously, don't comment on a woman's weight, ever!”

-Marianne Schaberg, writer and comedian

“如果有个男人说，‘哇，你看起来变瘦了！’那我简直就要怒发冲冠了，因为我的体重跟昨天差不多。我拼命压住想抓起一支马克笔把这蠢货身上的脂肪都圈出来的冲动，说：‘我并没有变瘦。但是你已经失去和我做朋友的机会了。’唯一挽救的办法就是，这家伙要诚心诚意地承认，他只是想说点好听的，但是不知道该说些别的什么，因为我一直都很美。不过，说真的，不要评论一个女人的体重，永远不要！”

——作家、喜剧演员玛丽安·史嘉伯

"Wow, I didn't recognize you with makeup¹⁴ on."

No.7 “哇，你化了妆我都认不出来了。”

“It drives me nuts when I wear makeup and a man says to me, ‘Oh my god, I didn't recognize you! You're so pretty.’ This is the ultimate backhanded compliment. I don't wear make-up at my day job because I don't consider all of life a show. A simple 'You look very pretty today,' is fine. Beyond that, we're not that close, so please keep your comments to yourself. I don't tell you when your bald spot looks extra shiny, don't tell me when I'm looking tired or fat or thin. I have a mirror. Believe me, I know.”

-Corinne Fisher, comedian, New York City

“要是我化了妆，一个男人对我说: ‘我的天，我都认不出你了！你真美。’那我绝对要气炸。这纯粹是挖苦。我白天工作时不化妆，因为我不认为整个人生是一场戏。他只要简单地说：‘你今天真漂亮’就很好。别的话就算了，因为我们的关系并没有那么近。所以，不要乱说话。我不会告诉你今天你的秃头有多亮，所以你也别告诉我我看起来很累或是胖了瘦了，我自己有镜子。相信我，我自己知道的。”

——喜剧演员科琳·费希尔，来自纽约

“Can’t you take a joke?”

No.8 “怎么就这么开不起玩笑？”

“Sometimes when men find out I perform stand-up comedy, they think that gives them permission to 'fake-insult' me. When I don't laugh, they ask, ‘Can't you take a joke?' to which I say, 'Can't you tell a joke?' Enjoying humor isn't a green light for reciting every sexist joke your uncle told the family at Thanksgiving dinner.”

-Carolyn Busa, host of "Side Ponytail" in Williamsburg, Brooklyn

“有时候当男人发现我是个单口相声演员时，他们就会认为自己有权拿我开涮。如果我不赔笑，他们就会问：‘怎么就这么开不起玩笑？’我说：‘你就不能自己来个笑话？’看滑稽表演并不意味着你可以把你叔叔在感恩节家庭聚餐时说的黄色笑话搬到这里来。”

——布鲁克林区威廉斯堡市节目《侧马尾》主持人卡洛琳·布萨