The conflict began as soon as Jeff’s new colleague joined his team. A year later the bad blood between them was to cost Jeff, who held a senior position at a New York investment company, his job.

从新同事加入杰夫(Jeff)团队的那一刻起，两人之间就产生了冲突。杰夫在纽约一家投资公司担任高级职务。一年后，两人之间的不和将导致杰夫丢掉他的工作。

What started as a personality clash quickly escalated¹ when the newcomer rejected Jeff’s input² into their joint work. This triggered an irrational³ response in Jeff, leaving him highly critical of himself and unable to focus on his work.

两人间的冲突从最初的性格不合迅速升级，因新同事拒绝将杰夫提出的意见纳入他们共同承担的工作当中。这引发了杰夫的不理智反应，并在失态之后对自己高度自责，无法将注意力集中在工作上。

He describes his initial impressions of the colleague: “He was very confrontational⁴ from the word go, telling me I didn’t know what I’m talking about. Then publicly, among the senior management of the business, he said he didn’t want me involved in the things he clearly needed my assistance on.

杰夫是这么描述他对新同事的初始印象的：“他从一开始就表现出了很强的对抗性，声称我不知道自己在说些什么。随后他在公司的高级管理层中公开宣称，他不希望我参与一些事项，而在这些事情上他明显需要我的协助。”

“I was definitely not going along with him. He would say anything to sell something, which I don’t like or respect,” says Jeff.

杰夫称：“我和他确实很合不来。他为了推销某个东西什么话都愿意说，对此我既不喜欢也不欣赏。”

He added that the man then engineered enough influence to steer⁵ the management committee against him, and eventually to have him removed from the company.

杰夫补充称，这位同事随后调动了足够的影响力来推动管理委员会反对自己，并最终将他从公司排挤出去。

Personal conflicts are an inevitable⁶ part of working life. But when left unmanaged they can harm individuals and severely⁷ damage the team or organisation⁸. Well-known feuds⁹ include those between Indian brothers Mukesh and Anil Ambani of Reliance Industries, the Koch brothers of the US’s Koch Industries, and ex-England cricket coach Peter Moores and batsman Kevin Pietersen.

人际冲突是职场生活不可避免的一部分。但如果放任不管，人际冲突可能伤害个人发展，并对团队或者组织造成严重损害。广为人知的不和对头包括印度信实工业(Reliance Industries)的穆克什•安巴尼(Mukesh Ambani)和安尼尔•安巴尼(Anil Ambani)两兄弟，美国科氏工业集团(Koch Industries)的科奇(Koch)兄弟，以及前英格兰板球队教练彼得•穆尔斯(Peter Moores)和击球手凯文•彼得森(Kevin Pietersen)。

A common response is to regard the other party as being wrong, difficult or even mad. This view is likely to exacerbate¹⁰ tensions.

对人际冲突的一种常见反应是，认为冲突的另一方做错了、有意刁难甚至是发疯。这种看法很容易导致紧张关系进一步恶化。

But the route to resolution is to understand why the relationship is fraught¹¹ and one’s own role in this.

达成和解的方法是，认清双方关系为何如此不快，以及自己在其中所扮演的角色。

After analysing his experience, Jeff recognised the part he played in his own downfall. A tendency to anticipate catastrophic outcomes stemmed, he realised, from childhood bullying¹², both by his father and at school. By confusing his colleague with people who had hurt him in the past, he perceived more danger than actually existed, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

在分析了自身经历之后，杰夫认识到了他在自己的失败中所扮演的角色。他意识到，自己这种预设灾难性后果的倾向，来源于童年被父亲以及同学欺凌的经历。因把同事和过去伤害过自己的人混淆在一起，他感受到了比现实更严重的危险，并由此产生一种预期，而后者自我实现了。

“Was I bullied¹³ in the workplace? No. Did I feel like I was being bullied in the workplace? Yes. That feeling was very similar to the feelings I had when I was being bullied [when young].”

“我在工作中受到欺凌了吗？其实并没有。我感觉我在工作中受欺凌了吗？是的。那种感受和我小时候被人欺负时的感觉非常近似。”

Not showing his colleague respect and focusing on the man’s faults — rather than how he allowed the conflict to grow in his own mind — made any resolution unlikely.

没有对同事表示出尊重，以及将注意力集中在对方的缺点上——而不是认清自己是如何放任冲突在头脑中发酵升级的——使杰夫很难取得任何和解。

Understanding conflict as a circular dynamic — to which both parties contribute — removes the sting of blame and the urge to self-justify, defend and hit back. But can these cycles be reversed?

明白冲突是一个循环动态过程——冲突双方对此都有责任——可以消除受到指责时感到的伤害，以及证明自身正确、防守和回击的急切冲动。但这些循环能被逆转吗？

Diana McLain Smith, an organisational consultant¹⁴ who writes about working relationships, believes they can.

组织顾问戴安娜•麦克莱恩•史密斯(Diana McLain Smith)认为，逆转循环是可能的。她写作有关工作关系的文章。

Ms McLain Smith encourages executives in client organisations to stop focusing on the disputed issue and what the other person is doing wrong, and to recognise how each is contributing to a pattern that neither likes. Her first step is to bring the combatants together to discuss their dispute — a conversation which she records and then plays back to them.

麦克莱恩•史密斯女士鼓励客户机构的管理者们停止关注产生争执的问题，以及争执另一方做得不对的地方，同时认识到双方是如何推动形成一个大家都不喜欢的模式的。她提出的第一个步骤是将不和的双方拉到一起讨论他们争执的问题——她会把这次谈话录音，并回放给双方听。

She explains that when conflicts have been either repressed or handled explosively in our early family life, we tend to repeat these strategies in adulthood¹⁵. “People [may] assume that conflict is dangerous so they avoid it. Or they believe conflict is a zero-sum game and they go into it with guns blazing.”

她解释称，如果在我们的早期家庭生活中，冲突要么被压抑下去要么集中爆发，我们会倾向于在成年以后重复这种冲突处理方式。“人们可能认为冲突是危险的，因此会尽量避免冲突。人们也可能将冲突看成一种零和游戏，因而用火药味十足的方式应对。”

They may wrongly misinterpret the other person’s motive¹⁶, assume he or she is pursuing power or even trying to get their job. Gross generalisations are often made, accusing the other of causing the problem, or caricaturing them in ways that dismiss their contribution and distort their character.

人们可能会错误曲解另一个人的动机，认为他或她在争夺权力，甚至试图抢走自己的工作。他们常常还会过分简化地乱下结论，指责另一方是导致问题的原因，或者用无视另一方贡献、歪曲对方品格的方式对其冷嘲热讽。

To tackle these problems Ms McLain Smith persuades them to engage in conversations about their family and personal life experiences.

为解决这些问题，麦克莱恩•史密斯女士说服他们进行有关自己家庭和个人生活经历的谈话交流。

“Then people can be moved by them — they can see where the behaviour comes from and they are motivated more to help.”

“这时人们可能会被对方感动——他们能看到对方的行为模式从何而来，并且也更有动力伸出援手。”

Opponents, she adds, can then become a team again, “if they help each other see things that they themselves missed, then they can become more effective”.

她补充称，针锋相对的双方可能再次结成一个团队，“如果他们帮助对方看到了他们自己没有看到的东西，那么他们就能变得更有效率。”

Frank, who came to me for psychotherapy, complained that his brother treated him more like an employee than a partner in their import company. This pattern resulted in a long, simmering conflict. Of the two, Frank said he was more passive yet personable with staff and clients, while his brother was more the driving force of the business.

弗兰克(Frank)在我这里接受精神治疗。他对我抱怨称，在他和他兄弟的进口公司里，兄弟对待他的方式更像是对一名员工，而不是合作伙伴。这种模式导致了两人之间长期持续并且愈演愈烈的冲突。弗兰克表示，在两人当中，他是更加被动但对员工和客户更有人情味的那一个，而他的兄弟则是整个企业的主要推动力。

In therapy he came to recognise that by withholding¹⁷ the warmth and praise that he knew his brother craved¹⁸, he was making the situation worse. As a child he learnt that being quiet protected him from his father’s rages, but the same approach with his brother only fuelled their conflict.

在接受治疗的过程中，他逐渐意识到，自己知道兄弟渴求亲情温暖和认可赞扬却拒绝给予的做法，正在导致情况进一步恶化。当他还是一个孩子时，他学会了保持安静以保护自己免受父亲的怒火波及，但对自己的兄弟采取同样策略却加剧了他们的矛盾。

Frank explains: “I’m aware [now] that my passivity is a form of aggression¹⁹ in an underhand way. So when my brother would get more frustrated²⁰ or angry I would retreat more — which obviously would set off a cycle with him.

弗兰克解释称：“现在我已经意识到，我的消极被动是一种隐形的攻击。所以当我的兄弟变得更加沮丧或者愤怒时，我会向后退缩得更多——这无疑将在他那边引发新一轮不满。”

“I would find it difficult to look him in the eye, it was very much business only. He must have interpreted that as my not caring about him or the business.”

“我发现自己很难直视他的眼睛，我与他的交流基本仅限于工作需要。他肯定会将此解读成我对他或者我们的事业漠不关心。”

Eventually Frank was able to explain how he felt to his brother, which improved their relationship.

最终弗兰克成功地向他的兄弟解释了自己的感受，此举大大改善了他们的关系。

Such insights are beyond some people and in these cases it is more realistic to aim for damage limitation.

这样的自我认识反省对于某些人来说难以做到，而在这种情况下，以控制损失为目标更加现实。

Bill Eddy²¹ is a therapist, mediator²² and lawyer who established the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He employs the term “high conflict people” to describe those who are incapable²³ of personal insight and are often personality disordered, or have extreme narcissistic²⁴, paranoid or histrionic traits.

比尔•埃迪(Bill Eddy)是一名治疗专家、调解人和律师。他在加利福尼亚州的圣迭戈(San Diego)创立了重度冲突研究院(High Conflict Institute)。他用“重度冲突型人”(high conflict people)来形容那些无法正确认识自己并常常表现出人格紊乱，或者具有极度自恋、偏执、过分戏剧化等特点的个体。

Such people can be identified by their extreme behaviour when losing control of their emotions. “They do things that normal people would never do even under pressure,” he says, such as spreading rumours²⁵, breaking objects or lying. They blame and attack others to feel better about themselves, disrupt office life and demand an inordinate²⁶ amount of management time.

这类人可以通过他们在情绪失控时的极端行为被识别出来。埃迪称：“这些人所做的事情正常人即使在遭受压力的情况下也绝不会做”，例如散播谣言、破坏物品或者说谎等。他们会指责和攻击他人，以使自己感觉更好，还会扰乱办公室生活以及过多占用管理层的时间。

Businesses may choose to retain these individuals because they have specialist skills, but this does have a price. One manager of a retail²⁷ company told me of his exasperation²⁸ in trying to limit the damage caused by a talented employee.

企业或许会选择保留这类人，因为他们具备专长技能，但这种做法是有代价的。一家零售公司的经理对我说起，他因试图控制一名有才华的员工所造成的损失而感到颇为恼火。

“She is very good at her job, and will tell you that quite forcefully,” he says. “But she falls out spectacularly with people she thinks are not good enough.

这位经理说：“这名员工非常擅长她的工作，而且会颇为强硬地让你知道这一点。但她与那些被她认为不够优秀的人相处得极不融洽。”

“With her there’s no going back. Any criticism sets up a spiral which means you get worse performance quite dramatically — tears and things like that. And then you spend weeks getting back up to speed.”

“对她来说事情没有回转的空间。对她的任何批评都会激起螺旋式的升级反应，这意味着你会颇为戏剧化地看到更加糟糕的表现——例如哭闹以及诸如此类的事情。之后你需要花费好几周的时间才能让她恢复进度。”

He explains how he prevents further explosions. “Quite a lot of flattery works, and trying to make lots of time for her.”

他解释了他是如何防止引发更多的情绪爆发的。“给她足够多的表扬和称赞，并且努力为她留出大量的时间。”

Most conflicts do not involve such extreme personalities²⁹, however, so it is best not to assume that anyone who disagrees with you is in the “high conflict” category. Instead, remember you are dealing³⁰ with a relationship, not just a colleague, and that the road to resolution requires self-awareness and empathy.

但绝大多数冲突都与此类极端型人格无关，因此最好不要假设任何与你意见不合的人都属于“重度冲突”的类型。正相反，要牢记你面对的是一项人际关系，而不仅仅是一个同事，获得和解之路需要有自我认识和对他人的体谅之心。