You’re bound to say some tone-deaf things to your spouse¹ every so often ― but there are some phrases you should absolutely never say.

你一定经常唠叨一些话，但你的配偶对此置若罔闻。不过有些话最好还是不要再讲了。

We asked couple therapists to share the most annoying things men report hearing from their spouses². Of course, it goes both ways.

我们向一些情感诊疗专家咨询了这些丈夫最不想听到的话。反之亦然。

1. “Nevermind, I’ll just do it myself.”

1．“没事，我自己来。”

Marriage pro³ tip: When you ask your spouse to call the plumber⁴ to fix the sink, give him a chance to do it. Rolling your eyes and saying, “nevermind, I’ll do it myself” may result in you getting your sink fixed⁵ sooner, but it’s also likely to rub your spouse the wrong way.

婚姻小贴士：在你需要丈夫帮忙打电话叫水管工来修洗碗槽时，不妨直接让他来修理，别对他翻个白眼说“算了，我自己来。”也许这样做洗碗槽可以很快修好，但夫妻关系很可能会因此产生裂痕。

“Chances are, he wants to help you and make you happy,” said Anne Crowley, an Austin, Texas-based psychologist. “It’s a frustrating⁶ phrase for a husband to hear because it suggests you don’t think he’s capable of completing the task and don’t need him.”

美国得克萨斯州奥斯汀市的心理学家安妮•克劳利指出：“他说不定很想帮助你，顺便讨你欢心。但如果你直接和他说你不需要，会让他顿感挫败，让他觉得你在质疑他的能力，甚至你根本不需要他。”

2. “You should have known.”

2.“你应该懂我的意思。”

You’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect your hubby to decipher every last gesture and statement you make, said Ryan Howes, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California.

美国加州帕沙迪纳市的临床心理学家瑞恩•豪斯认为，如果妻子期待丈夫能通过自己的每一个手势和每一段话语来读懂自己的心，一定会大失所望。

“Women become upset when their husbands can’t read between the lines or read their minds but guys are notoriously poor mind readers,” he said. “Wives will save themselves a lot of grief if they can come to accept this and just ask for what they want.”

豪斯说：“妻子会因为丈夫听不出自己的弦外之音或是看不透自己的小小心思而伤心。但男性本来就不擅长读心术。如果女士们都能接受这一点，说清自己到底想要什么，也就不必为此太难过。”

3. “Do you think she’s hot?”

3.“你觉得她好看吗？”

Do you really want to know your husband’s thoughts about an attractive woman? Probably not ― plus, you’re putting your spouse in an uncomfortable, no-win situation, said Kurt Smith, a therapist who specializes in counseling men.

你是真的想知道丈夫如何看待那些窈窕淑女的吗？恐怕不是这样的。男性咨询方面的治疗师库尔特•史密斯认为，这么问只会将你的另一半置于无所适从的双输境地。

“Most men have already identified the pretty women in the room; if he’s trying to respect you then he should be already trying not to look, so you pointing her out will only make him more self-conscious, uncomfortable and unsure of what to do to not upset you or hurt your feelings,” he said.

史密斯说：“谁是这屋子里的漂亮女人，丈夫们大多心中有数；但为了表示对妻子的尊重，他们会尽量不去看这些漂亮女人。如果妻子非要指着某一位询问丈夫的看法，只会让他变得更加局促不安、心神不定，不知道如何做才能不让你失望，不伤害你的感情。”

4. “We need to talk.”

4．“我想我们该好好谈谈了。”

No four words strike fear into a married man’s heart quite like “we need to talk.” Opt⁷ for something less ominous⁸ sounding the next time you bring up an issue, said Marcia Naomi Berger, a therapist and author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting⁹ Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted.

没有什么话比“我想我们该好好谈谈了”这句更令丈夫们心惊胆战的了。下次谈话的时候还是选一个更加吉利的开头吧，著有《婚姻会议使爱情持久：每周30分钟，给你想要的爱情》一书的治疗专家玛西亚•内奥米•伯格如是说道。

“The phrase ‘we need to talk’ is often a signal that the wife has complaints or criticism about the husband,” she said. “He assumes he somehow failed you and withdraws, creating a disconnect, which is the exact opposite of what you were trying to accomplish.”

她表示：“当妻子说出‘我想我们该好好谈谈了’，意味着她对丈夫有了诸多抱怨与意见。丈夫会猜测他可能哪里得罪了妻子，于是消极对待，主动失联，让妻子根本没办法和他谈下去。”

5. “Man up.”

5．“能不能有点男人样。”

Seriously? There’s no right or wrong way to be a man. For your spouse’s sake, let your gender¹⁰ expectations go and try to have a civil conversation.

开玩笑，像不像个男人根本没有确切的标准。为了你和丈夫之间的感情，你最好还是放下有关性别的言论，换用其他更为礼貌的话语。

“Telling your spouse to ‘man up’ is a brutal¹¹ attack on his core identity,” Howes said. “It’s a statement loaded with contempt and shame and could create relationship damage that will be difficult to heal.”

豪斯说：“对你的丈夫说‘能不能有点男人样’是对他男性身份的强烈冲击。这句话满含蔑视与羞辱，会对你们之间的感情造成难以弥补的伤害。”

6. “Pick up after yourself. I’m not your mother.”

6．“就不会自己收拾收拾？我又不是你妈。”

There are better ways to encourage your spouse to put his dirty socks in the hamper¹² than telling him you’re tired of feeling like his mom.

与其向丈夫抱怨自己为他操碎了心，不如直接让他自己把脏袜子放进洗衣篮里。

“Many men are sensitive about their relationship with their mother, so suggesting he still wants or needs his mom is not a way to encourage him to change behavior you don’t like ,” Smith said.

史密斯说：“许多男人对自己和母亲的关系很敏感，所以就算你嫌弃他现在还跟个孩子一样需要母亲照顾，他也不会有所改变。”

7. “You never, you should have, you ought to...”

7．“你不能这样，你本来可以这样，你应该这样……”

Sorry, but chiding¹³ your spouse about how he never does the dishes (or takes out the trash or drives the kids to school) isn’t likely to inspire change, Berger said.

很遗憾，责骂丈夫从未洗过碗（或者倒过垃圾甚至开车送孩子上学）可以说是徒劳无功的，伯格这样说道。

“It’s much better to say, ‘I’d appreciate it if you would empty the dishwasher tonight,’ for example. And when he does, thank him and you can expect more help in the future,” she said.

她解释：“你最好这样说，‘如果你今晚能把碗洗了的话，我会很开心。’诸如此类。一旦他同意了，别忘了谢谢他，这样说不定下次他还愿意帮你干活。”

8. “You’ve put on a few pounds lately, huh?”

8．“喂，你最近是不是又胖了？”

Instead of pointing out changes in your spouse’s appearance, be supportive and tell him you’d love if he joined you at your cycle class sometime, said Becky Whetstone, a Little Rock, Arkansas-based therapist.

美国阿肯色州小石城的治疗专家贝基•怀特斯通认为，与其对另一半的外貌变化指指点点，不如以爱之名，劝他和你一起去上健身课。

“Insinuating¹⁴ that his body is not like it once was will shrink his confidence ― and he’ll probably up his calorie intake¹⁵ just to spite you!”

“含沙射影地嘲笑他的身材大不如从前会打击他的自信心，他可能会因此继续摄入更多的卡路里，这么做只为激怒你！”

9. “You’re going out with the guys again?”

9．“你又准备出去和你的狐朋狗友鬼混？”

Don’t look at Fantasy Football meet-ups and golf trips as threats to your marriage. It’s quite the opposite, actually; some time apart will likely do your relationship good, Howes said.

豪斯建议，别总担心梦幻足球线下聚会和高尔夫球旅行会威胁到你们的婚姻幸福，其实情况恰恰相反。俗话说得好，小别胜新婚。

“Yes, sometimes a guy’s night is just an excuse to drink and fart but for many guys these are crucial times to connect, seek advice, get support and express some important emotions,” he said. “Wives who feel threatened by this or forbid their husband from attending may be cutting off a vital support system.”

他表示：“当然，丈夫们所谓的夜生活有时不过是想找个地方酗酒和发泄的借口，但大部分情况下，这是找朋友谈天说地，寻求建议，获得支持，倾吐心声的重要时刻。要是妻子们对此心有疑虑或阻止丈夫出门，可能会丧失重要的外援团。”

The biggest bonus of guy time, according to Howes, “There’s a good chance he’ll actually be a better husband if he can compare notes with other husbands and dads.”

关于这种朋友聚会带来的最大收获，豪斯是这样解释的：“在交流中，丈夫可以向其他同为人夫为人父的朋友们取取经，帮助他成为一个更好的丈夫。”