1. “Always borrow money from a pessimist¹. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde“

跟悲观主义的人借钱吧。他不会指望你会还钱。”——奥斯卡•王尔德

2. “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” – Steve Martin“

首先医生告诉我一个好消息：有一种疾病将以我的名字命名。”——史蒂夫•马丁

3. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance² to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov“

那些以为自己什么都知道的人对于确实知道的我们来说是巨大的烦恼。”——艾萨克•阿西莫夫

4. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard“

别对生活太认真了，否则你将永远无法活着逃出去。”——阿尔伯特•哈伯德

5. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire“

生活中唯一的谜团是为什么神风特攻队的飞行员要戴着头盔。”——艾尔•麦奎尔

6. “Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry“

任何情况下都不要在同一个晚上同时服用安眠药和泻药。”——戴夫•巴里

7. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Flip³ Wilson“

如果你认为没有人在意你是否活着，那就试着躲债。”——菲利普•威尔逊

8. “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford“

女人的思路比男人更清晰：因为她们更常改变。”——奥利弗•黑尔福德

9. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright“

我要永远活下去，长久又有意义”——史蒂夫•莱特

10. “Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.” – Unknown“

没有什么比在知道是自己做错的情况下还跟别人争论更糟糕的了。”——佚名

11. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle“

如果人类真的在不断进化，为什么母亲只有两只手？”——米尔顿•伯利

12. “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives⁴.” – Unkown“

我梦想有一个更加美好的明天，那是一个小鸡能够过马路并且不用被质疑动机的明天。”——佚名

13. “When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” – Norm Crosby“

当你上法庭时，你将把你的命运托付给十二个不够聪明以至于无法摆脱陪审员义务的人手上。”——努姆•克鲁斯比

14. “To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.” – Unkown“

人非圣贤孰能无过，但把过错推给别人显示出了一个人的管理潜力。”——佚名

15. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” – Franklin P. Jones“

守时伴随着的一个缺点是没有人会欣赏他。”——富兰克林•琼斯