THEY ATTACK YOUR CHARACTER VS. COMPLAINING ABOUT SPECIFIC THINGS.

他们攻击你的人格VS.具体埋怨某件事。

Fighting about sex? Money? In-laws? Our experts tell you what you're really fighting about and how to get the issue solved once and for all so you don't have to keep having the same arguments every three months.

为了性生活、钱或公婆而争吵？我们的专家将告诉你什么事值得争吵，以及如何一劳永逸的解决这些问题，这样你们就不必每三个月都为同样的事情争吵了。

"YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF"

"你应该为自己感到羞愧"

We all do things we're not proud of but being shamed for them. Even if your partner has done something truly terrible, like cheated on you, publicly or privately¹ shaming them may feel good in the moment, but it won't help you move forward. "Rather than shaming them for a behavior that they are doing, take accountability and ownership for your part and your own feelings," says Shirani M. Pathak, Ph.D., licensed² psychotherapist and founder³ of the Center for Soulful Relationships. "When you approach it from this place, you take personal responsibility and the relationship has a chance to grow and evolve, rather than deteriorate⁴ with resentments⁵."

我们都做过一些不光彩、感到羞耻的事情。即使你的另一半做过一些十分糟糕的事情，比如出轨，公开或私下里羞辱他们可能会让你一时快意，但却无益于你继续向前。"不要为他们的行为羞辱他们，相反，找出自己应该承担的责任，说出你的感受，"持证心理治疗师兼灵魂恋情中心的创始人Shirani M. Pathak博士说道。"当你从这一角度解决问题时，你承担了自己的责任，从而给这段感情成长和升华的机会，而不是让怨恨毁掉这段感情。"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER MY TEXT?"

"你干嘛不回我短信？"

Texting is great for communicating certain things: Appointment confirmations⁶, lunch orders, shopping lists, and (obviously) funny memes. What it's not great for? Communicating emotions. Couples often end up in blow-out fights about things said (or not said) in a text. "Texts are too easily misinterpreted," says Laney Zukerman, Ph.D., psychology⁷ professor and author of Lessons for an Urban Goddess. If a conflict starts in a text, whatever you do, don't continue that argument by texting, she adds. "If you are upset, frustrated⁸ or truly angry about something, you will need to breathe and wait until you see your partner in person to express your upset. Impulsive⁹ texting is a big no no."

发短信很适合交流一些事情：确认预约、订午餐、购物清单和有趣的回忆（显而易见）。那不适合什么呢？交流感情。情侣们总会因为短信中说过的一些话而大吵一架，最终导致分手。"短信很容易让人产生误解，"心理学教授兼《写给城市女神的教训》（Lessons for an Urban Goddess）一书的作者莱尼·祖克曼博士说道。如果争吵是由短信引起的，不管你在做什么，千万不要通过发短信继续争吵，她补充说。"如果你对某事真的很伤心、沮丧或生气，你应该深呼吸，然后等见到另一半本人时再说出自己的难过。冲动的发短信绝对是大大的不可以。"

"YES YOU DID SAY THAT"

"对，你说过这话！"

I never said that! Yes you did! No I didn't! Getting caught in a who-said-what loop is a surefire way to end up even angrier than when you started fighting. "This is an uNPRoductive argument at a most fundamental level because it can never be resolved - that is unless they happened to videotape the argument, and even then might be iffy," says Mark Sharp, Ph.D., psychologist and owner of the Aiki Relationship Institute in Oak Brook¹⁰, Illinois.

我从来没有说过那句话！不，你说了！不，我没有！陷入谁说了什么这个循环只会让人们比刚开始吵架时更加生气。"这是个毫无根据的争论，因为这个问题永远解不开--除非在争吵时录了音，即使这样也还是会存在问题，"心理学家兼伊利诺伊州奥克布鲁克的雅佳情感研究所的拥有者马克·夏普博士说道。