This week Apple unveiled three new iPhones and two new watches, which means its time for the tech conspiracy¹ theorists to go off about their current phones glitching . Just like clockwork, each new product release comes with complaints and, of course, lots and lots of memes.

本周苹果公司发布了三款苹果手机新机型，还有两款苹果手表新机型。这意味着，那些持有阴谋论的技术宅们吐槽他们现有的手机的时候又到了。一环扣一环，每届苹果新品发布会都会引发一大拨的吐槽，当然，还有许许多多的恶搞段子。

1.The only upgrade I care about

我唯一关心的升级

Apple's accessories can last only a year. my chargers and headphones are shedding it's skin as soon as it hits a year. Then i thought, APPLE's way of making money every year.

苹果的手机配件都只有一年的使用寿命。时间一到，我的充电线和耳机都开始脱皮了，然后我就会想，这不就是苹果公司每年的生财之道吗？

2.FaceTime with up to 32 people at once.

支持多人即时视频聊天，最多人数32人。

Sorry but I don’t know 3 people who would want to talk to me at once.

不好意思，我认识的人中，想要同时跟我聊天的人不超过3个。

Imagine hearing "Can you see me? I can't see you!" 32 times at once! Al right, I can see the necessity of speaking with 20-30 people at once, but I really don't see a reason to use the phone at that time. Such a teleconference usually involves stationary² computers, where it makes a lot of sense, much like any teleconference software.

想象一下，同时听到32个人说“你能看到我吗？我看不到你啊！”好吧，我承认我有时会需要同时跟20-30个人交谈，但我找不出任何理由、在这种情况下用手机作为聊天工具。这样的多人远程会议通常会用到台式电脑，或者其他远程会议软件，这样合情合理的多。

3.With your current account balance, which apple product can you buy?

以你目前的财产收支情况，你买得起苹果的什么产品？

Apple juice.

苹果汁

Yeah with the price of the most expensive one I can easily get a new set of summer and winter tyres that I actually need. So it's new tyres, apple juice and sticking with my perfectly³ functioning IPhone 8.

是的，以售价最高的新机型的价格，我可以买下一套夏季轮胎和冬季轮胎，这才是我真正需要的。所以我得到的是新轮胎，苹果汁，然后继续使用我的苹果8手机，性能完美哟。

4.New Apple Watch can detect if you’ve fallen down and will call emergency services if you are immobile for one minute.

新款苹果手表能检测到你是否摔倒，如果你一分钟之内保持静止不动，它就会为你呼叫救护车。

Drinking with an Apple Watch on just got interesting.

带着苹果手表去买醉，变成了很有趣的事情哟。

If you trip on a banana skin, brush your knee, and an ambulance comes, will you be ready to pay for the huge insane bill??

如果你不小心踩到香蕉皮滑了一跤，擦伤了膝盖，你的苹果手表就为你找来了救护车，你愿意支付高额的急救医疗费吗？

5.Yes, for many people it's all about the brand

没错，对很多人来说，他们只在乎那个商标。

6.Me: Please make durable⁴ charging cables.

我：请生产些耐用的充电线。

Apple: Here take a phone similar to the last one.

苹果公司：请收下这个跟旧机型差不多的新款手机！

Me: But cable

我:可是我想要充电线。

Apple: Okay take a new watch too

苹果公司：好吧，请再收下这个新手表。

Me: What about the cable though

我：可是充电线怎么办……

Meanwhile, the cables get old after a month.

不仅如此，充电线用一个月就老化了。

7.Don’t buy the new iPhone. Impree your friends and save money by simply writing “Sent from my IPhone XS Max” at the end of each email.

无需买新款的苹果手机，你只需要在每封电子邮件下面写上“来自我的新苹果XS Max”就行，这样既能省钱，还能在朋友面前炫耀一下。

How does owning an iphone impress people, i wonder...

拥有一只苹果手机就能在朋友面前炫耀吗？我表示怀疑……

8.Apple Watch series 4 detects fall, detects low heart rate, can do ECG.

苹果手表4能监测佩戴者是否异常摔倒或者心跳异常，还能做心电图

So they were right“an Apple a day keeps doctor away.”

所以说那句话是对的，“一天一个苹果，医生不来找我。”

That's actually very cool - and something like this would be VERY helpful for older people who live alone.

这个功能确实挺棒的——对于独居的老人来说，这个功能会非常有用。

9.No, just more expensive to buy and more difficult for the children in China to build.

不，只是卖价更贵，中国的工人做起来也更难了。

10.Method of payment for the new XS and XS Max

购买新款 XS 和XS Max的支付方式

It literally⁵ sound like "excess" and "excess max". I think they're just mocking their customers now.

听起来很像 "excess"（过于昂贵的） and "excess max"（过于昂贵且最大的）。我猜苹果公司已经开始嘲笑他们的买主了。

11.The new Apple Watch will detect low heart rate and make ECGS.

新款苹果手表可以检测心跳异常，可以做心电图。

The next iPhone will also perform the surgery required to sell your kidney to pay for it.

下一款新型手机说不定会有操作外科手术的功能，你买下手机后，它能帮你摘除肾脏拿去卖掉，以支付新手机所需的费用。

Never fails to make me laugh

看一次笑一次。

12.Now that the new iPhone is out…I can now finally afford a second hand iPhone 4

现在苹果推出新机型了……我终于可以买下一只二手苹果4手机了。

As a fellow South African, I feel this on a spiritual level.

作为一个南非土豪，我只能在精神层面上理解你……

13.Once upon a time

很久很久以前。

Does Less. Costs More. It's That Stupid. -Apple

功能更少，价格更高。就是这么傻。——苹果

14.My iPhone immediately after the Apple Event.

苹果新品发布会之后，我的苹果手机突然就这样了。

OMG YES! They do it on purpose!

就是这样，他们肯定是故意的！

15.This is how I see the new iPhone.

这是我眼中的苹果新机型。

True

千真万确！

16.Do you remember the time?

你还记得这个时候吗？

To be fair that was the on contract price Which I would gladly go back to doing.

公允的说，这是协议价，不过，我还是非常乐意重返这个时候。

17.Difference between iPhone X and iPhone XS Max

苹果X与苹果XS Max两者之间的区别

barely anything

几乎没有区别

18.Apple doesn’t always launch new products

苹果公司不会经常发布新品。

But when they do, they don’t.

万一他们发布了新品，他们发布的也不是新品。

Sigh. I miss him.

哎，我想他了。

19.This is how I see the new iPhone.

我眼中的苹果新机型。

accurate

就是这样！

20.The iPhone XXX be like

苹果XXX会不会是这样的

iPhone XXXL

加大号苹果

21.How I feel eveytime I watch an Apple Event.

每次我看苹果的新品发布会，我的感受都是这样的。

Don’t be fooled. She’s just a regular Malibu Stacy with a stupid , cheap hat.

别被骗了，她就是一个普通的Malibu Stacy娃娃，加上一顶又傻气又便宜的草帽！

But she’s got a new hat.

可是她有新草帽呀！

I want it. I want it. I want it.

我想要！我想要！我想要！

Barbie doll makers⁶ = phone makers. same same , diff year is all.

苹果制造商和玩偶制造商一样。年年岁岁机相似，仅此而已。