You can meet a partner at any stage of life, says Mariella Frostrup. But to hold onto someone, you need to deal with your insecurities first.

玛丽拉·弗勒斯楚普（Mariella Frostrup）说：人生的任一阶段，你都可能遇到自己的另一半。但和某人长相厮守之前，你需要消除内心的不安全感。

I am a 40-year-old single woman. I have had a number of short relationships, but only three lasting¹ more than a year and my longest was three years. I was recently dumped after a few months and it has greatly impacted my self-esteem. One issue was his long stretches of non-communication (four-day periods of non-response). Having experienced childhood abandonment (which I told him about), I could not accept this.

我是位40岁的单身女性。曾经有过几次短暂的恋情，但只有三段恋情维持了1年以上，最长的一段恋情谈了3年。前不久，我被人甩了（谈了几个月），这极大地影响了我的自尊心。我们俩的主要问题在于：他可以很长时间不和你说话（4天没有消息）。小时候，我被人抛弃过（我告诉过他这一点），所以我无法接受他的杳无音信。

Do I have to be perfect and ask for nothing to find a partner? Are my communication needs really too much? I am positive and celebrate others and their happiness. But if loneliness is my fate, how do I learn to be OK with it? I have begun planning for a life alone. I've bought an apartment and contributed to a retirement² plan. I have accepted I will never be a mother. Yet, I am ashamed of how much the lack of a partner still saddens me.

我必须完美无瑕，寻找另一半的时候别无所求？我对沟通的需求是不是太高了？我乐观向上，也为别人的幸福而开心。我买了所公寓，做了退休计划。我承认我永远不会生小孩儿。但是，一想到没有另一半我还是会感到伤心。

Mariella replies

玛丽拉回复到：

At last a subject I'm qualified³ in. First, be careful what you wish for. I know plenty of women in the opposite situation who'd be delighted to find themselves unfettered again. I was just a year younger than you when, at 39, after a similar dating history, I met my now husband and went on to have two children in my early 40s. It's information I offer you to assuage⁴ the cloud of impending⁵ doom⁶ that you're currently engulfed⁷ by.

终于有一个适合我的话题了。首先，好好想想你究竟想要什么。我知道，很多恋爱中的女性会为自己不再受约束而感到高兴。我39岁，只比你小1岁。我的恋爱史也和你差不多，现在我遇到了我的丈夫，计划在40岁出头生两个小孩。我希望我所提供的这些信息能缓解你目前陷入的困境。

Meeting a partner with whom your future collides, can and does happen at any age. While it's worth making contingency⁸ plans for what might be irrevocably lost in the interim⁹ (fertility being an example). You are "chronically¹⁰" single only in so far as you are recurrently so. You're definitely a catastrophist, though! Buying your own apartment and investing in your retirement shouldn't be deemed acts of desperation, but sensible investments towards your own security and comfort. Hooking up with a fellow human doesn't normally have an impact on securing your finances, unless you marry a millionaire.

找一位和你志同道合的伴侣吧，这是人生中任一阶段都可能发生的事。但是为过渡期不可避免将要失去的一些东西做出应急计划（比如生育能力）也是值得的。你经常这样，所以你才会"长期"单身。但是，你肯定难逃这一劫。买公寓、为退休后的生活投资不应该被视作绝望之举，而应被认作是对安全感和舒适感的合理投资。通常，和某人在一起并不会对你的财务造成太大的影响，当然，嫁给百万富翁是个例外。