1. Ask For Praise 请求表扬

Expecting your partner to notice things without prompting is often very unfair and can lead to resentment¹. Keep the beast away by speaking up and bringing attention to things you’d like your partner to notice. If you’ve done something you’d like your partner to take notice of, say something! Got your hair did? Say something! Fixed² the dining room table so it doesn’t teeter? Say something!

在无提示下期望你的情人注意到某些事，通常非常不公平也容易导致不满。远离这种讨厌的事，坦率地讲明白你希望你的情人注意到某些事。如果你已经做完了你希望对方注意的事，说出来！你做了头发？说出来！修理了餐厅的桌子使它不再摇晃？说出来！

You did this instinctively³ when you were a child. Remember running up to a parent or guardian⁴ and asking them to look at a picture you’d colored or cape⁵ you’d made out of an expensive tablecloth⁶? For most of us, the response was one of amazement⁷ (if a bit contrived) and vocal⁸ appreciation⁹ for our obvious talents.

当还是个小孩的时候你会本能地这么去做。还记得你跑到父母或监护人面前要他们看看你涂上了颜色的一副画或者用一张昂贵地桌布做成了披肩吗?对我们大多数人来说，对我们显地才华，这种反应是惊奇（如果有一点小发明）和大声赞扬中的一种。

You’re not so very different now. You still love to be praised when you’ve done well. Even if it’s something you should have done earlier in the week or missed a detail on. How to get that praise? Ask for it and agree to give it when your partner asks you for some appreciation. You know not to crush a child’s spirit by ignoring their efforts to impress you. Are you as smart about your partner?

如今你也没有多大的不同。当你干好某事后你仍然想被表扬。就算是那些你本来这周应该早就完成的或是错过了细节的事。怎么去获得赞扬？去请求表扬并同意当你的情人需要时你也给出赞扬。你知道不能因忽略孩子们为了给你留下印象而做出的努力打击他的心灵。你是否像你父母那样聪明？

2. In Everything, Give Thanks 对每件事，表示感谢Say “Thank You” and make an effort to regularly demonstrate your genuine gratefulness for all your partner does for you. There are going to be times when this will seem an impossible chore. Perhaps you’ll be furious with your partner over something or other and they’ll point out something they did, hoping for praise. How will you respond? Will you offer your praise and thanks then deal with your anger separately? Or will you close up like a shell and torture your partner with inconsolable silence?

说“谢谢”并努力经常地表露你真诚地感谢情人为你做的所有。需要时间来讲这些变成一种不烦闷的事。也许你会因为某事对你的情人或其他人暴怒，他们会指出他们做了的某事，希望被赞扬。你会如何反应？你会表示你的赞赏和感谢然后独自处理你愤怒的情绪？或者你会像个贝壳那样关闭自己用极度沮丧的沉默折磨你的情人？

You care about making your relationship work so I expect you’ll swallow your momentary¹⁰ pride and say thank you. After all, your partner deserves at least the same courtesy you’d give to a complete stranger. When you cannot be gracious, be polite. Make a habit of offering thanks to your partner, even for the tiniest of things, and a sapling of thankfulness will grow into something strong enough to support you both.

你担心你的感情生活所以我希望你能收起你短暂的骄傲然后表达出感谢。毕竟，你的爱人应该得到至少你对一个完全陌生人表达出的礼貌。当你无法做到亲切时，至少保持礼貌。养成对爱人表达感谢的习惯，即使对最微小的事，一句感谢的幼苗会成长为强壮地足够支持你们两人的大树。

3. Schedule Time For Each Other 为对方排出时间If you were worried about killing¹¹ spontaneous romance by scheduling time with your partner, you wouldn’t be reading this. For the rest of us with busy lives and hectic¹² schedules, an exhausting Wednesday is easier to handle knowing that Thursday at 6pm we get a few hours with our best friend.

如果你担心和你的爱人安排时间相处会扼杀随意地浪漫，你不会阅读这些。对剩下过着匆忙生活和繁忙行程的我们来说，一个精疲力尽的周三更容易掌控知道周四晚上6点我们会有一些时间与最好的朋友相处。

All that’s left is to actually be present with your partner during the focused time you have together. This, according to all voices heard in my less-than-scientific survey, is one of the hardest parts of any long-term relationship.

现在剩下的是实际与爱人在重点时间内共同度过的时间。根据我的不能称为科学的调查中的声音，这些，是所有长久爱情关系中最难的一部分。

Dinner with kids at the table doesn’t count as real presence. Sitting on the couch while you both have laptops running in front of you doesn’t count either. In fact, most of the things we do as couples fall into the realm of proximity¹³ instead of true presence. A simple test (thanks, Debbie!) is to see if you need to get your partner’s attention before talking for them to hear what you say. If you do, they weren’t really there to begin with.

与孩子在饭桌前吃晚饭不能算作真正的共处，你们一起坐在沙发上使用着笔记本电脑也不算真正的共处。事实上，大多数我们以情侣身份做的事掉进了以“接近”取代“真正”共处的范围。一个简单的测试（谢谢Debbie!)是，在对他们谈话前看看是否你需要去引起爱人注意去倾听你说的是什么。如果你需要的话，他们不是真的准备好了。

You’ll be tempted¹⁴ to use your regular time together as the time for you to angrily vent¹⁵ and argue. Don’t do it! This is your time to catch up with the person you love. If you can’t think of something wondrous¹⁶ and warm to say, chew on silence and just be. There’s something about focused presence with a loved one that helps troubles sink away just a bit. Make the most of your time together!

你会被诱惑去使用经常一起的时间去发泄愤怒和争吵。不要这么做！这是你用来迷住你爱的那个人的时间。如果你不能想到出色的、热情的话去说，就仅仅仔细考虑。尽可能多的共处！

4. Agree On How To Argue 商定如何争吵

Sometime when you’re not even a little angry with each other, sit down and talk about how you fight. Then lay down some rules you both agree to follow during future arguments.

有时候当你对对方很生气时，坐下然后谈论怎么争论。然后列出一些你们都同意的规则供将来吵架时遵守。

Mary, a 74 year-old mother of four and widow of two shared three of her rules:

Mary，一位拥有4个孩子的妈妈，两次丧偶。她分享给大家三条规则：

Nobody leaves during an argument without saying where they’re going.

· 吵架时，在不说清楚到底该怎么办之前，没人会离开。

Arguments that last longer than 3 days are obviously stupid and will not be allowed to continue.

· 吵架吵过三天是明显的愚蠢，这是不能被准许继续吵的。

An argument will never mean that the relationship itself is in question.

· 一次吵架永远不代表这段关系它本身有问题。

Mary’s final rule resonated with me because that’s something I work very hard to do in my own relationships. One of the most difficult but smartest things to say during an argument is, “I love you but I’m so pissed at you about/for/because [insert argument here].” Keeping the argument separate from the relationship status is key to getting things back on track. You could call it a shortcut¹⁷ through very dark woods.

Mary的最后一条规则和我产生共鸣，因为这是我在自己的爱情关系中所努力去做的。争吵中一个最难也是最聪明的做法是说：“我爱你，但是我对你很生气关于/因为/......(争论内容)”。让争吵与爱情关系相分离的状态是使一切回到正轨的关键。你可以称它为走出迷路森林的捷径。

5. Say You’re Sorry Every Day 每天说你抱歉

Apologizing is a lot like learning a foreign language. The more you practice it in real-life situations, the better you become at it.

道歉很像学一门外语。在真实生活中你越加练习，你说得越好。

If you don’t do something worth saying sorry for every day, you’re either an angel or completely blind to your own inadequacy¹⁸. You need not commit some great damage against your partner before saying you’re sorry. Just be yourself. In the course of being yourself you’ll say something without thinking, forget to pick up something from the store, or complain about your day without asking about your partner’s. You’re a master at making mistakes! =)如果你每天并没有做什么值得道歉的事，你要么是天使要么是完全盲视自己的不足。在说对不起之前，你不需要做巨大地伤害爱人的事。只是做你自己。在做你自己的过程中，你会不经过思考说一些话，忘记在商店买一些东西，或者不问爱人过得如何只是抱怨你的今天过得糟糕。你是生产错误的主人！

The more you ask for forgiveness, the easier it will be to admit to and gain forgiveness for all the things you do that might drive your partner away if not taken care of. Its never easy to swallow your pride and admit to screwing something up. But you need to do this and make a habit of it if you want to make your relationship the best it can possibly be.

你越请求原谅，越容易承认你做的所有事都会获得原谅，如果不小心的话，这很容易让的爱人离开。放下你的骄傲和承认把某件事弄遭了并不是件容易的事。如果你想尽可能地经营好你的爱情，你需要这么去做，并且养成习惯。