母亲节到了。提到母亲，高频词总绕不开“爱”、“牺牲”、“做饭”、“喂奶”、“操心”这些字眼。然而，抛开传统女主内的育儿分工和家务劳动，妈妈们，在社会建构的“母职”宏大叙事之外，也可以很有趣。

一起来看看别人家的妈妈是什么画风。

[Photo/Pexels]

1. Because I said so!

因为是我说哒！

2. My mom used to scare me with this one: “Put on clean underwear¹! If you get hit by a bus, all the nurses will see those dirty ones!”. Always wondered which situation would have been worse.

我妈以前会这么说来吓唬我：“给我穿条干净内裤！不穿的话想想要是你被公交车撞了，护士们就会看到你的脏内裤。” 这估计是最糟糕的状况了吧。

3. My mom told me: “All you had to do was drink water. Water will be the cure for anything. If your head hurt, if you got a cold, if you are two inches away from dying² …”

我妈跟我说：“喝水就好啦。喝水治百病。头疼喝水，感冒喝水，离死亡只差两英寸也……”

4. Have you lost your cotton-picking mind!

你脑子坏掉啦！

5. If you fall out of that tree and break both legs, don’t come running to me.

要是你从树上掉下来摔断两条腿，别跑过来找我。

6. I should have swallowed you!

当初就该把你塞回去！

7. 80% kids will get this one: “Don’t sit too close to the TV, you’ll ruin your eyes!”

很多小孩儿都听过这句话：“离电视远点儿！眼睛会搞瞎！”

8. You may do whatever you want but not while you are living under my roof.

你想干嘛都可以，但只要住在我眼皮子底下一天，就不行。

9. I was about 9 or 10 when mom told me: “You’d better learn to wipe your butt³ better or do your own laundry. No woman wants to live with a man who has dirty draws.”

那时候我才9岁10岁吧，我妈跟我说：“你要么学会擦屁股，要么就自己洗衣服。没有哪个女人会跟内裤上有粑粑印的男人生活。”

10. If I can carry you for 9 months, you can carry those groceries from the car to the house.

我的肚子能驮着你9个月，你就不能把这些菜从车上搬到家里？

11. “I won’t get mad if you just tell me.” That is the biggest lie moms ever say.

“你早跟我说，我会生气吗？” 这估计是妈妈们最大的谎言。

12. Why do you still live in my house? You are 35.

你为什么还住在我家？你35岁啦。

13. Wait until your dad gets home.

等你爸回家有你好看。

14. Wait until you have children.

等你有孩子你就知道了。

15. “Don’t make me turn this car around!” We all know she’s not going to turn the car around.

“别逼我掉头打道回府！” 其实我们都知道她不会掉头的。

[Photo/Pexels]

16. Mummy’s just having grape juice like you are. (pouring wine into her wineglass)和你一样妈咪只是在喝果汁啦（倒红酒）。

17. Don’t you roll your eyes at me! I’ll take you out and make another one who looks just like you.

你再敢跟我翻白眼！我把你轰出去然后再生一个跟你长得一模一样的。

18. Mom: What’s my passcode again?

Me: Same as your phone number.

Mom: What’s my phone number again?

妈：“我密码是多少来着？”

我：“你手机号”

妈：“我手机号是多少来着？”

19. Mom: “Who did this?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Mom: “I didn’t ask WHO did it, I am telling you to pick it up!”

妈：“谁弄的！”

我：“我不知道。”

妈：“我没问你是谁弄的，我是叫你给我捡起来！”

20. “I love my children equally”. And we all know that’s a lie.

“我对孩子们一视同仁。” 其实我们都知道是假的。

21. I brought you into this world and I can TAKE YOU OUT.

我可以把你带到这个世界上，我也可以把你轰出去。

22. You better not ever start a fight. But if someone starts one with you, YOU BETTER FINISH IT!”

人不犯你你不犯人，人若犯你你最好给我把TA打趴下。

23. “You are beautiful and people will love you.” — Where are those people momma?

“你很漂亮啦，会有人爱你的” —— 老妈，这些人在哪？

24. If you don’t eat your carrots, you won’t be able to see in the dark.

要是你不吃胡萝卜，晚上你就会瞎掉。

25. This isn’t a hotel, you know.

家里不是酒店，你知道吧。

26. Having to say everything twice, having to say everything twice.

每句话都要说两遍！真的每句话都要说两遍！

27. Close the door. We are not cooling the whole neighborhood.

把门关上！我们不是在给整个街区制冷！

28. If you don’t clean the gaps⁴ between your toes properly, you’ll start growing potatoes out of them.

你要是不认认真真洗脚指头中间那块儿，就会有土豆从那儿长出来。

29. Dad is a millionaire – in the least worth currency in the world.

你爸其实是个百万富翁——以世界上最便宜的货币算。

30. You kids are the reason mommy drinks.

你们这帮熊孩子就是妈妈喝酒的原因。

你的妈妈都说过哪些让你捧腹不已的话呢？