The only way to truly get over a breakup is to give it time.

真正走出失恋痛苦的唯一办法就是给它时间。

As biological anthropologist¹ Helen Fisher previously² told Business Insider, "The day will come when that person who's been camping in your head is out. And you wake up in the morning and you realise that yesterday you never thought about them at all."

正如生物人类学家海伦?费雪曾对商业内幕网说过的：“总有一天，那个盘踞在你脑海里的人会消失。当你在清晨醒来，你会意识到自己昨天一次都没有想起那个人。”

In fact, research suggests that we tend to overestimate³ how long it will take us to feel better after a breakup.

事实上，研究表明，我们通常会把自己走出失恋痛苦的时间估计得过长。

That said, if you've just landed in Splitsville, there are plenty of ways to speed up the recovery process - so you can show up to work as a functioning human being, and not a sobbing⁴ mess.

尽管如此，如果你刚刚分手，有很多方法都可以加速心情的恢复，以便你能正常工作，不再哭哭啼啼。

1. Don't Facebook-stalk your ex

不要在社交媒体上偷偷关注你的前任

A study published 2012 in the journal Cyberpsychology found that people who creep on their exes' Facebook profiles are more likely to have negative feelings for the person, more likely to desire that person, and less likely to grow from the breakup.

2012年发表在《网络心理学》期刊上的一项研究发现，偷偷关注前任Facebook状态的人更可能对前任怀有消极情绪，更容易对前任产生欲望，更难从分手中走出来。

It's hard to say whether looking at an ex's Facebook profile directly causes distress⁶, or whether it's the other way around. Either way, do yourself a favour and try to resist the urge to "just check" what your ex has been up to since the breakup.

关注前任的Facebook状态是否会直接带来痛苦还是缓解痛苦，这很难说。无论是哪种情况，为了自己，请努力克制住“看一眼”前任分手后状态的欲望。

2. List five 'must-haves' and five 'can't-stands' in a potential partner

列出潜在伴侣“必须具备”的五个特质和“让你受不了”的五个特质。

That's a tip from Andrea Syrtash, dating expert and author of "He's Just Not Your Type (And That's a Good Thing): How to Find Love Where You Least Expect It."

这是约会专家安德莉亚?西尔塔什给出的建议。西尔塔什是《他不是你的菜（这是好事）：如何在最不可能的地方找到真爱》的作者。

Syrtash previously told Business Insider she recommends going deeper with each value - so instead of "must have brown hair and brown eyes," try "I must be attracted to this person."

西尔塔什先前告诉商业内幕网说，她建议更深入地挖掘每一种价值，不要写“必须有棕色头发和棕色眼睛”，试着写“我一定要被这个人吸引”之类的话。

One benefit of this exercise is that you might realise while you want someone who's emotionally open, for example, none of your exes have been. From there, you can start to look for a partner who's more suitable for you.

这种练习的好处之一是你可能会意识到一些事实，比如尽管你想要一个开朗的对象，但是你的前任全都不是这样的人。从此以后，你可以开始寻找一个更适合你的对象。

3. Try not to assume the breakup reflects something wrong with you

不要认为分手反映出你的某种缺陷。

A 2016 paper in the journal Personality and Social Psychology⁵ Bulletin suggests that your ability to deal with a breakup has a lot to do with your sense of self.

2016年发表在《个性与社会心理学通报》期刊上的一篇论文指出，你应对分手的能力和你对自我的感知有很大关系。

One of the study authors, Lauren Howe, broke it down in The Atlantic:

该研究的作者之一劳伦?霍伊在《大西洋月刊》上分析道：

"In our research, people reported the most prolonged distress after a romantic rejection⁷ when it caused their self-image to change for the worse. People who agreed that the rejection made them question who they really were also reported more often that they were still upset when they thought about the person who had rejected them."

“在我们的研究中，人们报告称，如果被甩导致自我形象崩塌，分手后的痛苦期是最长的。那些认同被甩会导致自我怀疑的人当中，更多人报告称，当他们想起那个甩掉自己的人，他们依然会感到痛苦。”

On the other hand, Howe wrote, people who responded with remarks such as, "I learned that two people can both be quality individuals, but that doesn't mean they belong together" tended to have an easier time with the breakup.

与此同时，霍伊写道，说出下面的话的受访者通常能更好地应对分手：“我明白了即使两个人都是优秀的人，也不意味着他们就应该在一起。”

Howe recommends that we try to "question our own narratives⁹" about what the breakup reveals about us in order to have an easier time coping.

分手揭示出你的个人缺陷？霍伊建议“不要听从这个内心的声音”，这样分手后才不会那么痛苦。

4. Write about a silver lining¹⁰ you've found in the breakup

把分手的好处写下来

Research suggests that simply journaling about your emotions surrounding a breakup can make you feel worse.

研究显示，把和分手有关的情感历程记录下来会让你感觉更糟。

But a study published 2015 in the journal Social and Personal Relationships found a specific type of journalling can help you cope: writing a redemptive narrative⁸. That is, a story about how you turned suffering - in this case, a breakup - into a positive experience.

2015年发表在《社会与个人关系》期刊上的一项研究发现，有一种类型的日记能够帮你更好地应对分手：救赎故事，就是把你如何把苦难（比如分手）转化为积极经历的故事写下来。

Participants in the study felt less distressed¹¹ after writing their redemptive narratives for four days - so it's unclear how long the effects last.

该研究的参与者在连续写了四天救赎故事后，感觉没那么痛苦了，至于这个效果能持续多久就不清楚了。

5. Talk about the breakup

谈论分手

This strategy might seem counterintuitive: Why dwell on a painful past?

这个策略听上去也许违反了我们的直觉：为什么要沉湎于痛苦的往事呢？

And yet a study published 2015 in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that simply participating in research on breakups can help people get over them.

然而，2015年发表在《社会心理和人格科学》期刊的一项研究发现，单单是参加和分手有关的研究就能帮助人们走出失恋痛苦。

A group of participants who spent more time talking to experimenters and filling out surveys about the breakup later experienced less distress than a group who spent minimal¹² time on the same activities. The first group was also less likely to agree with statements like, "I do not feel like myself anymore."

实验中，一组参与者花更多时间和研究人员交谈，填写和分手有关的调查问卷，而另一组参与者几乎不在这些活动上花时间。结果，前者相比后者痛苦减轻了。前一组参与者也不太会认同这种观点：“我再也无法找回自我了”。

In an interview with The Atlantic, lead researcher Grace Larson said it might come down to looking at your past objectively.

在接受《大西洋月刊》的采访时，研究负责人格蕾丝?拉尔森说，这可能是因为你在此过程中客观看待了你的过往。