1. Don't get into a relationship with an agenda.

1. 不要只是为了恋爱（议程）而恋爱。

People often stay in a relationship because of an agenda. An agenda is a belief that something needs to be a certain way for us to be "OK". For example: "I must be married by 30 yrs of age." When we have an agenda, it will often get in the way of the more beneficial decisions we would normally make.

很多人只是为了恋爱（议程）而恋爱。此处的议程是指：按照特定的方式去做某事，以确保自己是正常人。比如，"30岁之前我一定要结婚。"议程一旦制定，可能会阻碍我们做更有益的决定。

2. Open your eyes and be willing to see red flags.

2. 睁大你的双眼，看看这些危险信号吧。

I cannot tell you the number of people who have told me that they never saw the unhealthy qualities in the marriage or relationship until way down the line. We are talking sometimes years. They often report that the behavior "just showed up one day, out of the blue." The truth is that the behavior was there all the time but was ignored. "Love is blind" is not a helpful mantra when it conceals¹ warning signs.

很多人都跟我说过，他们直到婚姻的尽头才看到婚姻或恋情中的不良行为。有时候是好几年。他们说这种行为"只是突然在某一天表现出来。"事实是，这一行为一直都在，只不过之前被忽略了。在隐藏警告迹象方面，"爱情是盲目的"这句口头禅并不实用。

3. Read up on some things you can expect in relationships.

3. 阅读一些书籍：恋爱时你会期待什么。

Learn the concepts and skills that will help you navigate² through a relationship - and life in general. For example: How do you have difficult conversations in a relationship? How do you determine healthy and unhealthy behaviors? Without knowledge of these skills and concepts it can feel like navigating³ in the dark, not knowing what you are bumping into.

学习一些恋爱概念和技巧--以及生活的概念和技巧。比如：恋爱时如何进行重大问题对话？如何确定好的行为和不良行为？如果不知道这些技巧和概念，那你的这段恋情就会在黑暗中航行，不知道会碰撞出什么。

4. Give him time to show his true qualities.

4. 给他点儿时间，展现他真正的品质。

Watch out for consistent behaviors for at least 6 months. It is very difficult to hide your true qualities for more than 6 months without being a sociopath - and for sure, no longer than one year. And you would have to be a really skilled sociopath on top of that for those unhealthy qualities to remain "hidden".

至少要花6个月的时间，才能看出一个人的品行是否一致。如果不是反社会人士，那么6个月的时间就足以看清他/她的真正品质了--当然，不会超过一年。而且，你必须是一位非常有经验的反社会人士才能隐藏这些不良品质。

Watch for consistent behavior in the relationship. This holds true for negative as well as positive behaviors. There may be an underlying⁴ reason for a person to temporarily exhibit negative qualities. We all make mistakes but there is a difference between occasional "mistakes" and an overall theme of repeated negative behavior. Conversely, occasional "good" behavior does not negate⁵ an overall theme of unhealthy behavior.

留心他/她在恋情中的行为是否保持一致。既留意他的消极行为，也留意他的积极行为。人们暂时表现出消极行为可能是由某个潜在原因导致的。我们都会犯错，但偶尔"犯错"和总是重复消极行为是有差异的。相反，偶尔展现"好的"行为并不能表明他没有不良嗜好。