雷人的大学入学申请书

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant¹, when applying to NYU where he now attends.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel² train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention³. I translate ethnic⁴ slurs⁵ for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently⁶. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous⁷ and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw⁸ in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde⁹ of ferocious¹⁰ army ants. I play bluegrass cello¹¹, I was scouted¹² by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding¹³. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst¹⁴, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire¹⁵. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey¹⁶ with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration¹⁷. I bat. 400. My deft¹⁸ floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl¹⁹ tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert²⁰ operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge²¹, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams²². I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.。

But I have not yet gone to college.

这是一份真实的纽约大学入学申请书。目前，申请人正在纽约大学就读。

我是精力旺盛的家伙——爬墙和砸冰，小菜一碟。我远近闻名，因为有次我利用午休时间，改造了火车站，提高了候车室保温效果。我为古巴难民，逐条翻译，骂人的脏话。我写过歌剧，并且还得了奖。我的工作效率很高。有时，我可以连续三天踩水。

追求女人，我自有一套——英俊的外貌和长号吹奏，如天籁之音。骑车，似杂耍般，速度飞快。做一份布朗尼巧克力饼，别人半个小时，我二十分钟就能搞定。粉刷墙壁，我是行家；谈恋爱，我是老手；在秘鲁，我又是一个亡命之徒。

在亚马逊流域的小村庄里，一把锄头，一大杯水，我孤军奋战，击退了浩浩荡荡的、凶狠的蚂蚁大军。小提琴也玩得很溜。我是无数通缉令的一号男主角，被警方跟踪也在所难免。当我厌烦了，不想跟逗他们玩了，我就在自家院子里拉几根钢索吊桥。我特别钟爱城市的滑翔游戏。通常星期三，放学后，我义务为大家修理电器设备。

我一身数职：抽象派艺术家，具体的分析家，无情的的赌马人。一件自己做的灯芯绒晚礼服，全世界的评论家，无不为之倾倒。我可不跟他们一起发疯，我行事向来低调，虽然我常收到粉丝们的信件。我还做过做过Number Nine（译注：日本著名服装公司）的接线员。去年，我参加了新泽西的了离心力证明之旅，我可以击400下呢。而灵巧的插花手手艺，有幸赢得圈内薄名。孩子们信赖我。

用网球拍，投掷移动的小东西，准星挺高。一天之内，读完失乐园、白鲸、大卫科波菲尔，剩下的时间，还够我将餐厅，装饰一新。我知道超市里每种食品的确切位置。我为中央情报局做过秘密卧底。一周，我只睡一次。我睡在椅子上。有一次在加拿大度假，一群恐怖分子在抢劫一家面包店，我成功地与他们达成协议。身体极限，在我看来，没有这回事儿。

我心智健全，爱好编织，热衷创新发明，享受生活，没有外债。周末时，为摆脱俗世纠缠，我一心研究纸艺。数年前，我发现了生活的真谛，但是忘了记录。只要有茂利（译注：一种食品加工器）和烤箱，我就能做四道美味无比的主菜。我养的蛤，得过大奖。圣胡安的斗牛比赛，斯里兰卡的攀岩比赛，克里姆林宫的拼写比赛，我赢过。我演过哈姆雷特。我主刀过心脏手术。我还与威尔斯（译注：唱蓝调的南方摇滚巨星）交谈过。

但是，我还没有上过大学。