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别让爱成为孩子的负担
添加时间:2015-05-03 17:27:47 浏览次数: 作者:未知
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  • There are two great defining features of child-rearing today. First, children are now praised to an unprecedented1 degree. As Dorothy Parker once joked, American children aren’t raised; they are incited2. They are given food, shelter and applause. That’s a thousand times more true today. Children are incessantly3 told how special they are.

    如今的育儿有两大关键特征。第一,现在的孩子得到空前多的夸赞。桃乐丝·帕克(Dorothy Parker)曾经开玩笑说,美国的孩子不是抚养大的,是激励大的。他们得到了饮食、庇护与喝彩。这话在今天更是无比正确。人们不断对孩子说他们如何如何特别。

    The second defining feature is that children are honed to an unprecedented degree. The meritocracy is more competitive than ever before. Parents are more anxious about their kids getting into good colleges and onto good career paths. Parents spend much more time than in past generations investing in their children’s skills and résumés and driving them to practices and rehearsals4.

    第二个关键特征是孩子受到了前所未有的锻造磨砺。在精英体制下,竞争空前激烈。父母比以往更担心孩子能否进入优秀大学,踏上职场坦途。比起以前几代人,现在的父母会花更多的时间对孩子的技能和履历进行投入,开车送他们去训练和排练。

    These two great trends — greater praise and greater honing — combine in intense ways. Children are bathed in love, but it is often directional love. Parents shower their kids with affection, but it is meritocratic affection. It is intermingled with the desire to help their children achieve worldly success.

    这两大倾向——更多的夸赞和更多的磨砺——是紧密结合的。孩子沉溺在爱中,但那爱是有指向的。父母向孩子倾注无限的感情,但那是精英至上的感情。其中掺杂着帮助孩子取得世俗成功的欲望。

    Very frequently it is manipulative. Parents unconsciously shape their smiles and frowns to steer5 their children toward behavior they think will lead to achievement. Parents glow with extra fervor6 when their child studies hard, practices hard, wins first place, gets into a prestigious7 college.

    而这时常会表现为操纵欲。父母无意中用他们的微笑和皱眉作了向导,让孩子往他们认为可以通往成功的行为发展。孩子努力学习、训练、得第一名、进入名牌大学,会让父母心中充满欣喜。

    This sort of love is merit based. It is not simply: I love you. It is, I love you when you stay on my balance beam. I shower you with praise and care when you’re on my beam.

    这样的爱是基于价值判断的。它不是单纯的“我爱你”。它是“我爱那个在我的平衡木上不掉下来的你。只要你在上面,我会给你无尽的赞扬和体贴”。

    The wolf of conditional8 love is lurking9 in these homes. The parents don’t perceive this; they feel they love their children in all circumstances. But the children often perceive things differently.

    有条件的爱是一只潜伏在家中的狼。父母对此毫无知觉;他们觉得他们无论何时何地都是爱他们的孩子的。但孩子的感受却往往不是这样。

    Children in such families come to feel that childhood is a performance — on the athletic10 field, in school and beyond. They come to feel that love is not something that they deserve because of who they intrinsically are but is something they have to earn.

    在这样的家庭里,孩子会觉得童年是一场表演——在体育竞技场上,在学校里,不一而足。他们会开始认为,他们得到的爱并不是因为他们的本我,而是某种他们要争取的东西。

    These children begin to assume that this merit-tangled love is the natural order of the universe. The tiny glances of approval and disapproval11 are built into the fabric12 of communication so deep that they flow under the level of awareness13. But they generate enormous internal pressure, the assumption that it is necessary to behave in a certain way to be worthy14 of love — to be self-worthy. The shadowy presence of conditional love produces a fear, the fear that there is no utterly15 safe love; there is no completely secure place where young people can be utterly honest and themselves.

    这些孩子开始认为,掺杂价值判断的爱是纵贯寰宇的自然秩序。那些转眼即逝的赞许或不满,是深深嵌入在交流之中的,在不知不觉中发生着。它们会引起巨大的内心压力,让孩子认定要想配得上这份爱——有自尊,自己需要按某种特定的方式行事。有条件的爱若隐若现,营造出一种恐惧,让人担心世上不存在绝对安全的爱;没有什么地方是完全可靠的,让年轻人可以尽显坦诚和自我。

    On the one hand, many of the parents in these families are extremely close to their children. They communicate constantly. But the whole situation is fraught16. These parents unconsciously regard their children as an arts project and insist their children go to colleges and have jobs that will give the parents status and pleasure — that will validate17 their effectiveness as dads and moms.

    另一方面,这些家庭中的很多家长与孩子都异常亲近,他们时常交流。然而整个局面很纠结,这些家长下意识地将孩子看成是一个艺术项目,坚持让孩子去上大学,找工作,从而让父母有地位、感到愉快,因为这能印证他们作为父母卓有成效。

    Meanwhile, children who are uncertain of their parents’ love develop a voracious18 hunger for it. This conditional love is like an acid that dissolves children’s internal criteria19 to make their own decisions about their own colleges, majors and careers. At key decision-points, they unconsciously imagine how their parents will react. They guide their lives by these imagined reactions and respond with hair-trigger sensitivity to any possibility of coldness or distancing.

    与此同时,对于父母的爱感到不确定的孩子,也会对父母的爱产生贪婪的渴求。这种有条件的爱具有腐蚀性,会侵蚀孩子内心里对求学、专业、就业独立做出决定的标准。在关键的决策节点上,他们会下意识地想象父母如何反应。他们指导自己的人生时,会参考这些想象的反应,并以高度的敏感应对任何冷淡或疏远的可能性。

    These children tell their parents those things that will elicit20 praise and hide the parts of their lives that won’t. Studies by Avi Assor, Guy Roth and Edward L. Deci suggest that children who receive conditional love often do better in the short run. They can be model students. But they suffer in the long run. They come to resent their parents. They are so influenced by fear that they become risk averse21. They lose a sense of agency. They feel driven by internalized pressures more than by real freedom of choice. They feel less worthy as adults.

    这些孩子会告诉父母那些可以赢得赞扬的事情,隐瞒自己生活中不会受到赞赏的事情。阿维·阿瑟(Avi Assor)、盖·罗斯(Guy Roth)和爱德华·L·德吉(Edward L. Deci)开展的研究显示,得到有条件的爱的孩子们从短期来看情况都不错,他们可以成为模范学生。但从长期来看,他们会厌恶自己的父母。他们在很大程度上受到恐惧的影响,以至于会变得嫌恶风险。他们失去了主动性。他们会感觉,自己受到的驱动更多是来自于内化的压力,而不是真正的选择自由。他们成年后也会感觉没那么出色。

    Parents two generations ago were much more likely to say that they expected their children to be more obedient than parents today. But this desire for obedience22 hasn’t gone away; it’s just gone underground. Parents are less likely to demand obedience with explicit23 rules and lectures. But they are more likely to use love as a tool to exercise control.

    两代人之前,父母们会比今天更愿意说,他们期待孩子们更听话。不过这种让孩子顺从的欲望并没有消失,只是转移到了地下。父母通过明确地订规矩,直白地教训来要求孩子顺从的做法有所减少,但是他们更倾向于用爱当做施加控制的工具。

    The culture of the meritocracy is incredibly powerful. Parents desperately24 want happiness for their children and naturally want to steer them toward success in every way they can. But the pressures of the meritocracy can sometimes put this love on a false basis. The meritocracy is based on earned success. It is based on talent and achievement. But parental25 love is supposed to be oblivious26 to achievement. It’s meant to be an unconditional27 support — a gift that cannot be bought and cannot be earned. It sits outside the logic28 of the meritocracy, the closest humans come to grace.

    精英至上的文化强大得出人意料。父母迫切地想让自己的孩子幸福,自然也就希望引导他们以各种可能的方式走向成功。然而精英主义的压力有时却会把爱放在错误的基础上。精英主义的基础是努力赢得的成功,根源于才能和成就。然而父母的爱本应该不在意成就。父母的爱理应是无条件的支持——这种馈赠既不能买来也无法赚来。这种爱置身于精英至上的逻辑之外,是人类最接近大爱的举动。

     12级    英文科普 


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    1 unprecedented [ʌnˈpresɪdentɪd] 7gSyJ   第8级
    adj.无前例的,新奇的
    参考例句:
    • The air crash caused an unprecedented number of deaths. 这次空难的死亡人数是空前的。
    • A flood of this sort is really unprecedented. 这样大的洪水真是十年九不遇。
    2 incited [inˈsaitid] 5f4269a65c28d83bc08bbe5050389f54   第9级
    刺激,激励,煽动( incite的过去式和过去分词 )
    参考例句:
    • He incited people to rise up against the government. 他煽动人们起来反对政府。
    • The captain's example incited the men to bravery. 船长的榜样激发了水手们的勇敢精神。
    3 incessantly [in'sesntli] AqLzav   第8级
    ad.不停地
    参考例句:
    • The machines roar incessantly during the hours of daylight. 机器在白天隆隆地响个不停。
    • It rained incessantly for the whole two weeks. 雨不间断地下了整整两个星期。
    4 rehearsals [riˈhə:səlz] 58abf70ed0ce2d3ac723eb2d13c1c6b5   第7级
    n.练习( rehearsal的名词复数 );排练;复述;重复
    参考例句:
    • The earlier protests had just been dress rehearsals for full-scale revolution. 早期的抗议仅仅是大革命开始前的预演。
    • She worked like a demon all through rehearsals. 她每次排演时始终精力过人。 来自《简明英汉词典》
    5 steer [stɪə(r)] 5u5w3   第7级
    vt.驾驶,为…操舵;引导;vi.驾驶
    参考例句:
    • If you push the car, I'll steer it. 如果你来推车,我就来驾车。
    • It's no use trying to steer the boy into a course of action that suits you. 想说服这孩子按你的方式行事是徒劳的。
    6 fervor [ˌfɜ:və] sgEzr   第10级
    n.热诚;热心;炽热
    参考例句:
    • They were concerned only with their own religious fervor. 他们只关心自己的宗教热诚。
    • The speech aroused nationalist fervor. 这个演讲喚起了民族主义热情。
    7 prestigious [preˈstɪdʒəs] nQ2xn   第7级
    adj.有威望的,有声望的,受尊敬的
    参考例句:
    • The young man graduated from a prestigious university. 这个年轻人毕业于一所名牌大学。
    • You may even join a prestigious magazine as a contributing editor. 你甚至可能会加入一个知名杂志做特约编辑。
    8 conditional [kənˈdɪʃənl] BYvyn   第8级
    adj.条件的,带有条件的
    参考例句:
    • My agreement is conditional on your help. 你肯帮助我才同意。
    • There are two forms of most-favored-nation treatment: conditional and unconditional. 最惠国待遇有两种形式:有条件的和无条件的。
    9 lurking [] 332fb85b4d0f64d0e0d1ef0d34ebcbe7   第8级
    潜在
    参考例句:
    • Why are you lurking around outside my house? 你在我房子外面鬼鬼祟祟的,想干什么?
    • There is a suspicious man lurking in the shadows. 有一可疑的人躲在阴暗中。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
    10 athletic [æθˈletɪk] sOPy8   第7级
    adj.擅长运动的,强健的;活跃的,体格健壮的
    参考例句:
    • This area has been marked off for athletic practice. 这块地方被划出来供体育训练之用。
    • He is an athletic star. 他是一个运动明星。
    11 disapproval [ˌdɪsəˈpru:vl] VuTx4   第8级
    n.反对,不赞成
    参考例句:
    • The teacher made an outward show of disapproval. 老师表面上表示不同意。
    • They shouted their disapproval. 他们喊叫表示反对。
    12 fabric [ˈfæbrɪk] 3hezG   第7级
    n.织物,织品,布;构造,结构,组织
    参考例句:
    • The fabric will spot easily. 这种织品很容易玷污。
    • I don't like the pattern on the fabric. 我不喜欢那块布料上的图案。
    13 awareness [əˈweənəs] 4yWzdW   第8级
    n.意识,觉悟,懂事,明智
    参考例句:
    • There is a general awareness that smoking is harmful. 人们普遍认识到吸烟有害健康。
    • Environmental awareness has increased over the years. 这些年来人们的环境意识增强了。
    14 worthy [ˈwɜ:ði] vftwB   第7级
    adj.(of)值得的,配得上的;有价值的
    参考例句:
    • I did not esteem him to be worthy of trust. 我认为他不值得信赖。
    • There occurred nothing that was worthy to be mentioned. 没有值得一提的事发生。
    15 utterly ['ʌtəli:] ZfpzM1   第9级
    adv.完全地,绝对地
    参考例句:
    • Utterly devoted to the people, he gave his life in saving his patients. 他忠于人民,把毕生精力用于挽救患者的生命。
    • I was utterly ravished by the way she smiled. 她的微笑使我完全陶醉了。
    16 fraught [frɔ:t] gfpzp   第9级
    adj.充满…的,伴有(危险等)的;忧虑的
    参考例句:
    • The coming months will be fraught with fateful decisions. 未来数月将充满重大的决定。
    • There's no need to look so fraught! 用不着那么愁眉苦脸的!
    17 validate [ˈvælɪdeɪt] Jiewm   第8级
    vt.(法律)使有效,使生效
    参考例句:
    • You need an official signature to validate the order. 你要有正式的签字,这张汇票才能生效。
    • In order to validate the agreement, both parties sign it. 为使协议有效,双方在上面签了字。
    18 voracious [vəˈreɪʃəs] vLLzY   第10级
    adj.狼吞虎咽的,贪婪的
    参考例句:
    • She's a voracious reader of all kinds of love stories. 什么样的爱情故事她都百看不厌。
    • Joseph Smith was a voracious book collector. 约瑟夫·史密斯是个如饥似渴的藏书家。
    19 criteria [kraɪ'tɪərɪə] vafyC   第12级
    n.标准
    参考例句:
    • The main criterion is value for money. 主要的标准是钱要用得划算。
    • There are strict criteria for inclusion in the competition. 参赛的标准很严格。
    20 elicit [iˈlɪsɪt] R8ByG   第7级
    vt.引出,抽出,引起
    参考例句:
    • It was designed to elicit the best thinking within the government. 机构的设置是为了在政府内部集思广益。
    • Don't try to elicit business secrets from me. I won't tell you anything. 你休想从我这里套问出我们的商业机密,我什么都不会告诉你的。
    21 averse [əˈvɜ:s] 6u0zk   第10级
    adj.厌恶的;反对的,不乐意的
    参考例句:
    • I don't smoke cigarettes, but I'm not averse to the occasional cigar. 我不吸烟,但我不反对偶尔抽一支雪茄。
    • We are averse to such noisy surroundings. 我们不喜欢这么吵闹的环境。
    22 obedience [ə'bi:dɪəns] 8vryb   第8级
    n.服从,顺从
    参考例句:
    • Society has a right to expect obedience of the law. 社会有权要求人人遵守法律。
    • Soldiers act in obedience to the orders of their superior officers. 士兵们遵照上级军官的命令行动。
    23 explicit [ɪkˈsplɪsɪt] IhFzc   第7级
    adj.详述的,明确的;坦率的;显然的
    参考例句:
    • She was quite explicit about why she left. 她对自己离去的原因直言不讳。
    • He avoids the explicit answer to us. 他避免给我们明确的回答。
    24 desperately ['despərətlɪ] cu7znp   第8级
    adv.极度渴望地,绝望地,孤注一掷地
    参考例句:
    • He was desperately seeking a way to see her again. 他正拼命想办法再见她一面。
    • He longed desperately to be back at home. 他非常渴望回家。
    25 parental [pəˈrentl] FL2xv   第9级
    adj.父母的;父的;母的
    参考例句:
    • He encourages parental involvement in the running of school. 他鼓励学生家长参与学校的管理。
    • Children always revolt against parental disciplines. 孩子们总是反抗父母的管束。
    26 oblivious [əˈblɪviəs] Y0Byc   第8级
    adj.易忘的,遗忘的,忘却的,健忘的
    参考例句:
    • Mother has become quite oblivious after the illness. 这次病后,妈妈变得特别健忘。
    • He was quite oblivious of the danger. 他完全没有察觉到危险。
    27 unconditional [ˌʌnkənˈdɪʃənl] plcwS   第8级
    adj.无条件的,无限制的,绝对的
    参考例句:
    • The victorious army demanded unconditional surrender. 胜方要求敌人无条件投降。
    • My love for all my children is unconditional. 我对自己所有孩子的爱都是无条件的。
    28 logic [ˈlɒdʒɪk] j0HxI   第7级
    n.逻辑(学);逻辑性
    参考例句:
    • What sort of logic is that? 这是什么逻辑?
    • I don't follow the logic of your argument. 我不明白你的论点逻辑性何在。

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