When her husband died of cancer 10 years ago, Becky Aikman says she experienced grief and adapted to her loss -- but not in the way some people seemed to expect.

贝姬・艾克曼(Becky Aikman)说，10年前丈夫患癌去世时，她经历了悲痛，后来也适应了丈夫的逝去――不过她的适应方式似乎不像有些人期待的那样。

About a year after his death, when Ms. Aikman felt it was time to start rebuilding her life, she attended a widows support group meeting. She arrived and found a tissue box on each chair, she recalls. The group leader talked about the five stages of grief, each woman described her husband's death and everyone cried.

大约在丈夫去世一年后，艾克曼觉得是时候开始重建生活了，于是她参加了一个孀妇互助小组聚会。她回忆说，到达会场时她发现每张椅子上都放了一个纸巾盒。小组组长谈论了悲伤的五个阶段，每位女士介绍了各自丈夫去世的情况，接下来大家都开始哭泣。

Afterward¹, Ms. Aikman spoke² to the leader and, pointing out that the group was called 'Moving Forward After Loss,' she asked, 'Couldn't we focus on the future or moving on?' He told her he didn't think she fit in and asked her not to return.

事后艾克曼与小组组长谈了谈。她指出，既然这个小组的名称为“失去亲人后继续前行，难道我们不能把注意力放在未来或往前看吗？”后者的回应是，他觉得她不适合该小组，让她以后不要再去了。

'There is an expectation that a proper widow maintains this cliche³ of Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow,' says Ms. Aikman, now 58 and living in Brooklyn, N.Y. 'She doesn't go out, doesn't laugh, doesn't date. The idea is that you have to do a penance⁵ almost, for years.'

艾克曼说：“人们期望一个得体的孀妇要维持永久悲伤的陈腐状态。她要不出门，不放声大笑，不约会。核心思想就是你要长年坚持苦修。”今年58岁的艾克曼现在生活在纽约布鲁克林区。

Almost five decades after psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's 1969 book 'On Death and Dying,' the grieving process is still popularly understood to happen in five stages -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

在心理学家伊丽莎白・库布勒-罗斯(Elizabeth Kubler-Ross)1969年的著作《论死亡和濒临死亡》(On Death and Dying)面世近50年后，悲伤过程依然被广泛理解为分成五个阶段出现――否定、愤怒、讨价还价、沮丧和接受。

But in recent years researchers and experts have found little evidence that these stages exist. People who bounce back after a death, divorce or other traumatic loss often don't follow this sequence. Instead, many of them strive to actively⁶ move forward.

然而，近些年研究者和专家们发现，能证明这些阶段存在的证据少之又少。从亲人去世、离婚或其他创伤性事件中恢复过来的人往往没有遵循这一顺序。反之，他们当中的许多人都努力积极向前。

'The traditional model of bereavement⁷ is that there is work to do,' says George Bonanno, a grief researcher and professor of clinical psychology⁸ at Columbia University's Teachers College, and the author of 'The Other Side of Sadness.' 'There has never really been any evidence for that.'

哥伦比亚大学(Columbia University)教育学院悲伤问题研究者、临床心理学教授乔治・博南诺(George Bonanno)说：“按照传统模式，失去亲人后你要做很多事来解脱，实际上从来没有任何证据证明这一点。”博南诺博士也是《悲伤的另一面》(The Other Side of Sadness)一书的作者。

Each person's grieving is unique, of course. But in a 2002 study of older men and women who had lost spouses⁹, Dr. Bonanno found that in 50% of the participants, the main symptoms of grief -- shock, anxiety, intrusive¹⁰ thoughts, depression -- had lifted within six months. 'The majority of people can function pretty soon afterward,' he says.

当然，每个人的悲伤都是独特的。但在2002年一项针对失去配偶的年龄较大男女的研究中，博南诺博士发现，在50%的受试者中，悲伤的主要症状――震惊、焦虑、侵入性想法和抑郁――在六个月内消散了。他说：“事后大多数人都能很快恢复正常。”

Instead of five stages, Dr. Bonanno compares grief to a swinging pendulum¹¹. People get very upset and then feel better -- over and over again. A person may be crying and then suddenly laugh at a funny joke or memory. In time, the periods between pendulum swings get longer and gradually the pain subsides¹².

博南诺博士没有将悲伤与五个阶段联系在一起，而是将它比作摇晃的钟摆。人们变得非常难过，然后又感觉好一些――如此周而复始。一个人可能会哭着哭着，突然因为一个有趣的笑话或回忆而大笑起来。随着时间的流逝，钟摆摆动的间隔变得更长，慢慢地痛苦就平息了。

People often feel guilty about moving on, says Camille Wortman, professor of social and health psychology at Stony¹³ Brook⁴ University, in New York, whose research focuses on grief. 'This is why it doesn't work to just try and feel better,' she says.

纽约州立大学石溪分校(Stony Brook University) 主要研究悲伤问题的社会与健康心理学教授卡米尔・沃特曼(Camille Wortman)指出，人们常常会对放下过去往前看感到愧疚。她说：“这就是为什么努力让自己感觉更好但没有效果的原因。”

It's important to ask yourself, 'What matters most in my life at this time?' Dr. Wortman says, and then focus on the answer. It might be your children, your health, your job or a passion for music or art. 'Stay in touch with your values,' she says. 'This can activate¹⁴ positive emotion, which provides a respite¹⁵ from grief.'

沃特曼博士指出，重要的事情是，你要问自己“现在这个时候什么是我生命中最重要的东西？”然后把注意力放在你的答案上――它或许是你的孩子、你的健康、你的工作，或许是你对音乐或艺术的热爱。”她建议：“要常常想想你的价值观念，这能激发出积极情绪，能帮助你从悲伤中解脱出来。”

The advice boils down to: Get out and try something fun. Psychologists call it 'behavioral activation¹⁶.' The idea is that feeling bad can lead to a downward spiral: You stop going out, quit exercising, sleep poorly, gain weight. Doing enjoyable things can reverse this trend.

这些建议归结起来是：走出去尝试些有趣的东西，这被心理学家称为“行为激活”。其理念是感觉糟糕会引发恶性循环：你不再出门，放弃锻炼，睡得不好，体重上升。做些令人愉快的事情可扭转这种趋势。

Steve Govoni has been widowed twice. After his first wife died in 1998, he read about how the stages of grief are like a slow climb out of a valley. Mr. Govoni had two small children and a demanding job as a supervisory analyst¹⁷. 'Languishing¹⁸ in that valley wasn't a viable¹⁹ option, so I just soldiered on,' he says.

史蒂夫・戈沃尼(Steve Govoni)有过两次丧偶经历。在第一任妻子于1998年去世后，他读了些书，讲述的是经历悲伤的各阶段就像像慢慢爬出山谷。当时他的两个孩子年龄尚小，而且他从事的管理分析师工作要求很严苛。他说：“在那个山谷中煎熬不是个可行的办法，所以我就选择了直面困难。”

In time, he met a wonderful woman and remarried. Then last March, his second wife died after an 18-month battle with cancer. This time, Mr. Govoni decided²⁰ to tackle his grief head-on. He looked up old friends, took his son to Rangers²¹ games on his visits home from college and worked on enlarging his wife's gardens. He took his daughter to Broadway plays and volunteered as the photographer for her high-school drama productions.

后来，他遇到了一位非常不错的女子，再次走进了婚姻。去年3月，在与癌症搏斗了18个月后，他的第二任妻子也离世了。这一次，戈沃尼决定正面应对自己的悲伤。他去看望老朋友，带大学放假回家的儿子去玩游骑兵游戏并动手扩建妻子的花园。他还带女儿去百老汇看戏剧，并自告奋勇充当女儿高中戏剧作品的摄影师。

'Grieving is never easy, but the combination of doing a job I love and maximizing quality time with friends and my daughter made it easier to move on,' says the 64-year-old senior financial writer, who lives in Rowayton, Conn.

今年64岁的戈沃尼说：“悲伤从来都不让人轻松，但从事我喜欢的工作以及尽可能多与朋友和女儿共度愉快时光，让继续前行变得更容易。”现在身为资深财经作家的他生活在康涅狄格州的罗威顿(Rowayton)。

Ms. Aikman, a newspaper reporter at the time of her husband's death, used her journalism²² skills to research better ways to move through grief, with the idea that she might even write a book. She found out that grief doesn't go in stages, but in waves. 'So I learned that this feeling of taking two steps forward and one step back was normal,' she says.

在丈夫去世之时，艾克曼是一名新闻记者。她利用自己的新闻技能来发掘出度过悲伤的更好方法，并产生了或许还能写本书的想法。她发现悲痛并不是分阶段展开的，而是一阵阵出现的。她说：“这样一来我了解到进两步退一步的这种感觉是正常的。”

She wondered: Why not form a support group of her own? She put out the word and found five other women who had been widowed between six months and two years. They planned to meet once a month on a Saturday night, emotionally the toughest night of the week, Ms. Aikman says. After their first meeting, the women made plans to try new activities together instead of sitting around talking about loss. 'We needed to change if we wanted to be happy.' Ms. Aikman says.

她开始思考：为什么自己不成立一个互助小组呢？她发出了消息，找到了另外五名丧偶六个月至两年时间的女性。她说她们计划每个月聚一次，时间选在周六晚，因为这是一周当中在情感上最难熬的夜晚。在第一次见面后，她们还制定计划一同去尝试新活动，而不是干坐着讨论自己失去了什么。她说道：“如果想开心起来，我们就需要做出改变。”

The women took a cooking class; went on a tour of the Metropolitan²³ Museum of Art that focused on works about recovery and renewal²⁴; spent the weekend at a spa; shopped for lingerie; helped one member move into a new home; volunteered at a camp for children who had lost a parent; and invited several widowers²⁵ over to compare experiences. Their grand finale was a trip to Morocco.

她们参加了一门烹饪课；策划参观了大都会艺术博物馆，欣赏以复苏与新生为主题的作品；在温泉疗养地度周末；一起购买女士内衣；帮助一名小组成员搬进新家；在丧亲儿童露营活动中担任自愿者；还请来几名丧偶男性比较各自的经历。最后她们以一趟摩洛哥之旅给互助小组画上了句号。

Through it all, they talked about how to move forward, to date, to deal with children, to merge²⁶ families when they remarried. They discussed grief, too, of course -- but only when it came up naturally in conversation.

在整个过程中，她们讨论了如何继续前进，如何开始新恋情，如何与孩子相处以及再婚时如何融合家庭。当然，她们也讨论了悲痛――但只是在它自然而然出现在谈话中时才讨论。

Ms. Aikman eventually wrote a book about the women and their friendships; 'Saturday Night Widows' came out last year. Ms. Aikman says she has heard from hundreds of people who are relieved to learn their grieving process wasn't strange even though it doesn't fit the stereotype²⁷. Many people said they'd been inspired to try something new -- getting a dog, taking a trip, buying a car. One woman went to a jazz club alone, another learned to snowboard. Quite a few decided to form their own support groups.

艾克曼最终写了一本书讲述她们这群人及她们的友情，取名为《周六晚的孀妇们》(Saturday Night Widows)，已在去年出版。她说，她接到了几百名读者的信，信中说，她们明白了，自己的悲痛过程即使与旧传统不符也没有什么奇怪的，这使她们松了一口气。许多人说，她们受到了启发去尝试新事物，比如养只宠物狗、出门旅行、买辆新车等等。有一名女子只身去了爵士俱乐部，另一人则学会了滑雪，还有不少人决定成立自己的互助小组。

'If you want to be happy, you have to grow and change,' Ms. Aikman says. 'And pushing yourself into new experiences is the way to do that.'

艾克曼说：“如果你想开心起来，你得成长并做出改变。促使自己寻求新体验是实现这个目的的途径。”