CHAPTER V.
TURNING A NEW LEAF.
My mistress being dead, and I once more alone, I had to look out for a new place. About this time I might be a little—a very little—shaken in nerves. I grant I was not looking well, but, on the contrary, thin, haggard, and hollow-eyed; like a sitter-up at night, like an overwrought servant, or a placeless person in debt. In debt, however, I was not; nor quite poor; for though Miss Marchmont had not had time to benefit me, as, on that last night, she said she intended, yet, after the funeral, my wages were duly paid by her second cousin, the heir, an avaricious-looking man, with pinched nose and narrow temples, who, indeed, I heard long afterwards, turned out a thorough miser1: a direct contrast to his generous kinswoman, and a foil to her memory, blessed to this day by the poor and needy2. The possessor, then, of fifteen pounds; of health, though worn, not broken, and of a spirit in similar condition; I might still; in comparison with many people, be regarded as occupying an enviable position. An embarrassing one it was, however, at the same time; as I felt with some acuteness on a certain day, of which the corresponding one in the next week was to see my departure from my present abode3, while with another I was not provided.
In this dilemma4 I went, as a last and sole resource, to see and consult an old servant of our family; once my nurse, now housekeeper5 at a grand mansion6 not far from Miss Marchmont’s. I spent some hours with her; she comforted, but knew not how to advise me. Still all inward darkness, I left her about twilight7; a walk of two miles lay before me; it was a clear, frosty night. In spite of my solitude8, my poverty, and my perplexity, my heart, nourished and nerved with the vigour9 of a youth that had not yet counted twenty-three summers, beat light and not feebly. Not feebly, I am sure, or I should have trembled in that lonely walk, which lay through still fields, and passed neither village nor farmhouse10, nor cottage: I should have quailed11 in the absence of moonlight, for it was by the leading of stars only I traced the dim path; I should have quailed still more in the unwonted presence of that which to-night shone in the north, a moving mystery—the Aurora12 Borealis. But this solemn stranger influenced me otherwise than through my fears. Some new power it seemed to bring. I drew in energy with the keen, low breeze that blew on its path. A bold thought was sent to my mind; my mind was made strong to receive it.
“Leave this wilderness13,” it was said to me, “and go out hence.”
I had not very far to look; gazing from this country parish in that flat, rich middle of England—I mentally saw within reach what I had never yet beheld15 with my bodily eyes: I saw London.
The next day I returned to the hall, and asking once more to see the housekeeper, I communicated to her my plan.
Mrs. Barrett was a grave, judicious16 woman, though she knew little more of the world than myself; but grave and judicious as she was, she did not charge me with being out of my senses; and, indeed, I had a staid manner of my own which ere now had been as good to me as cloak and hood17 of hodden grey, since under its favour I had been enabled to achieve with impunity18, and even approbation19, deeds that, if attempted with an excited and unsettled air, would in some minds have stamped me as a dreamer and zealot.
The housekeeper was slowly propounding20 some difficulties, while she prepared orange-rind for marmalade, when a child ran past the window and came bounding into the room. It was a pretty child, and as it danced, laughing, up to me—for we were not strangers (nor, indeed, was its mother—a young married daughter of the house—a stranger)—I took it on my knee.
Different as were our social positions now, this child’s mother and I had been schoolfellows, when I was a girl of ten and she a young lady of sixteen; and I remembered her, good-looking, but dull, in a lower class than mine.
I was admiring the boy’s handsome dark eyes, when the mother, young Mrs. Leigh, entered. What a beautiful and kind-looking woman was the good-natured and comely21, but unintellectual, girl become! Wifehood and maternity22 had changed her thus, as I have since seen them change others even less promising23 than she. Me she had forgotten. I was changed too, though not, I fear, for the better. I made no attempt to recall myself to her memory; why should I? She came for her son to accompany her in a walk, and behind her followed a nurse, carrying an infant. I only mention the incident because, in addressing the nurse, Mrs. Leigh spoke24 French (very bad French, by the way, and with an incorrigibly25 bad accent, again forcibly reminding me of our school-days): and I found the woman was a foreigner. The little boy chattered26 volubly in French too. When the whole party were withdrawn28, Mrs. Barrett remarked that her young lady had brought that foreign nurse home with her two years ago, on her return from a Continental29 excursion; that she was treated almost as well as a governess, and had nothing to do but walk out with the baby and chatter27 French with Master Charles; “and,” added Mrs. Barrett, “she says there are many Englishwomen in foreign families as well placed as she.”
I stored up this piece of casual information, as careful housewives store seemingly worthless shreds30 and fragments for which their prescient minds anticipate a possible use some day. Before I left my old friend, she gave me the address of a respectable old-fashioned inn in the City, which, she said, my uncles used to frequent in former days.
In going to London, I ran less risk and evinced less enterprise than the reader may think. In fact, the distance was only fifty miles. My means would suffice both to take me there, to keep me a few days, and also to bring me back if I found no inducement to stay. I regarded it as a brief holiday, permitted for once to work-weary faculties31, rather than as an adventure of life and death. There is nothing like taking all you do at a moderate estimate: it keeps mind and body tranquil32; whereas grandiloquent33 notions are apt to hurry both into fever.
Fifty miles were then a day’s journey (for I speak of a time gone by: my hair, which, till a late period, withstood the frosts of time, lies now, at last white, under a white cap, like snow beneath snow). About nine o’clock of a wet February night I reached London.
My reader, I know, is one who would not thank me for an elaborate reproduction of poetic34 first impressions; and it is well, inasmuch as I had neither time nor mood to cherish such; arriving as I did late, on a dark, raw, and rainy evening, in a Babylon and a wilderness, of which the vastness and the strangeness tried to the utmost any powers of clear thought and steady self-possession with which, in the absence of more brilliant faculties, Nature might have gifted me.
When I left the coach, the strange speech of the cabmen and others waiting round, seemed to me odd as a foreign tongue. I had never before heard the English language chopped up in that way. However, I managed to understand and to be understood, so far as to get myself and trunk safely conveyed to the old inn whereof I had the address. How difficult, how oppressive, how puzzling seemed my flight! In London for the first time; at an inn for the first time; tired with travelling; confused with darkness; palsied with cold; unfurnished with either experience or advice to tell me how to act, and yet—to act obliged.
Into the hands of common sense I confided35 the matter. Common sense, however, was as chilled and bewildered as all my other faculties, and it was only under the spur of an inexorable necessity that she spasmodically executed her trust. Thus urged, she paid the porter: considering the crisis, I did not blame her too much that she was hugely cheated; she asked the waiter for a room; she timorously36 called for the chambermaid; what is far more, she bore, without being wholly overcome, a highly supercilious37 style of demeanour from that young lady, when she appeared.
I recollect38 this same chambermaid was a pattern of town prettiness and smartness. So trim her waist, her cap, her dress—I wondered how they had all been manufactured. Her speech had an accent which in its mincing39 glibness40 seemed to rebuke41 mine as by authority; her spruce attire42 flaunted43 an easy scorn to my plain country garb44.
“Well, it can’t be helped,” I thought, “and then the scene is new, and the circumstances; I shall gain good.”
Maintaining a very quiet manner towards this arrogant45 little maid, and subsequently observing the same towards the parsonic-looking, black-coated, white-neckclothed waiter, I got civility from them ere long. I believe at first they thought I was a servant; but in a little while they changed their minds, and hovered46 in a doubtful state between patronage47 and politeness.
I kept up well till I had partaken of some refreshment48, warmed myself by a fire, and was fairly shut into my own room; but, as I sat down by the bed and rested my head and arms on the pillow, a terrible oppression overcame me. All at once my position rose on me like a ghost. Anomalous49, desolate50, almost blank of hope it stood. What was I doing here alone in great London? What should I do on the morrow? What prospects51 had I in life? What friends had I on earth? Whence did I come? Whither should I go? What should I do?
I wet the pillow, my arms, and my hair, with rushing tears. A dark interval52 of most bitter thought followed this burst; but I did not regret the step taken, nor wish to retract53 it. A strong, vague persuasion54 that it was better to go forward than backward, and that I could go forward—that a way, however narrow and difficult, would in time open—predominated over other feelings: its influence hushed them so far, that at last I became sufficiently55 tranquil to be able to say my prayers and seek my couch. I had just extinguished my candle and lain down, when a deep, low, mighty56 tone swung through the night. At first I knew it not; but it was uttered twelve times, and at the twelfth colossal57 hum and trembling knell58, I said: “I lie in the shadow of St. Paul’s.”
1 miser [ˈmaɪzə(r)] 第9级 | |
n.守财奴,吝啬鬼 (adj.miserly) | |
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2 needy [ˈni:di] 第8级 | |
adj.贫穷的,贫困的,生活艰苦的 | |
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3 abode [əˈbəʊd] 第10级 | |
n.住处,住所 | |
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4 dilemma [dɪˈlemə] 第7级 | |
n.困境,进退两难的局面 | |
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5 housekeeper [ˈhaʊski:pə(r)] 第8级 | |
n.管理家务的主妇,女管家 | |
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6 mansion [ˈmænʃn] 第7级 | |
n.大厦,大楼;宅第 | |
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7 twilight [ˈtwaɪlaɪt] 第7级 | |
n.暮光,黄昏;暮年,晚期,衰落时期 | |
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8 solitude [ˈsɒlɪtju:d] 第7级 | |
n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方 | |
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9 vigour [ˈvɪgə(r)] 第9级 | |
(=vigor)n.智力,体力,精力 | |
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10 farmhouse [ˈfɑ:mhaʊs] 第8级 | |
n.农场住宅(尤指主要住房) | |
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11 quailed [kweɪld] 第10级 | |
害怕,发抖,畏缩( quail的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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12 aurora [ɔ:'rɔ:rə] 第11级 | |
n.极光 | |
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13 wilderness [ˈwɪldənəs] 第8级 | |
n.杳无人烟的一片陆地、水等,荒漠 | |
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14 query [ˈkwɪəri] 第8级 | |
n.疑问,问号,质问;vt.询问,表示怀疑 | |
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15 beheld [bɪ'held] 第10级 | |
v.看,注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 );瞧;看呀;(叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现)哎哟 | |
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16 judicious [dʒuˈdɪʃəs] 第9级 | |
adj.明智的,明断的,能作出明智决定的 | |
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17 hood [hʊd] 第8级 | |
n.头巾,兜帽,覆盖;v.罩上,以头巾覆盖 | |
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18 impunity [ɪmˈpju:nəti] 第10级 | |
n.(惩罚、损失、伤害等的)免除 | |
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19 approbation [ˌæprəˈbeɪʃn] 第11级 | |
n.称赞;认可 | |
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20 propounding [prəˈpaʊndɪŋ] 第11级 | |
v.提出(问题、计划等)供考虑[讨论],提议( propound的现在分词 ) | |
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21 comely [ˈkʌmli] 第11级 | |
adj.漂亮的,合宜的 | |
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22 maternity [məˈtɜ:nəti] 第10级 | |
n.母性,母道,妇产科病房;adj.孕妇的,母性的 | |
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23 promising [ˈprɒmɪsɪŋ] 第7级 | |
adj.有希望的,有前途的 | |
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24 spoke [spəʊk] 第11级 | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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25 incorrigibly [ɪn'kɒrɪdʒəblɪ] 第11级 | |
adv.无法矫正地;屡教不改地;无可救药地;不能矫正地 | |
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26 chattered [ˈtʃætəd] 第7级 | |
(人)喋喋不休( chatter的过去式 ); 唠叨; (牙齿)打战; (机器)震颤 | |
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27 chatter [ˈtʃætə(r)] 第7级 | |
vi./n.喋喋不休;短促尖叫;(牙齿)打战 | |
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28 withdrawn [wɪðˈdrɔ:n] 第10级 | |
vt.收回;使退出;vi.撤退,退出 | |
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29 continental [ˌkɒntɪˈnentl] 第8级 | |
adj.大陆的,大陆性的,欧洲大陆的 | |
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30 shreds [ʃredz] 第9级 | |
v.撕碎,切碎( shred的第三人称单数 );用撕毁机撕毁(文件) | |
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31 faculties [ˈfækəltiz] 第7级 | |
n.能力( faculty的名词复数 );全体教职员;技巧;院 | |
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32 tranquil [ˈtræŋkwɪl] 第7级 | |
adj. 安静的, 宁静的, 稳定的, 不变的 | |
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33 grandiloquent [grænˈdɪləkwənt] 第12级 | |
adj.夸张的 | |
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34 poetic [pəʊˈetɪk] 第10级 | |
adj.富有诗意的,有诗人气质的,善于抒情的 | |
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35 confided [kənˈfaidid] 第7级 | |
v.吐露(秘密,心事等)( confide的过去式和过去分词 );(向某人)吐露(隐私、秘密等) | |
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36 timorously ['timərəsli] 第10级 | |
adv.胆怯地,羞怯地 | |
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37 supercilious [ˌsu:pəˈsɪliəs] 第11级 | |
adj.目中无人的,高傲的;adv.高傲地;n.高傲 | |
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38 recollect [ˌrekəˈlekt] 第7级 | |
v.回忆,想起,记起,忆起,记得 | |
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39 mincing [ˈmɪnsɪŋ] 第12级 | |
adj.矫饰的;v.切碎;切碎 | |
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40 glibness [glɪbnɪs] 第10级 | |
n.花言巧语;口若悬河 | |
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41 rebuke [rɪˈbju:k] 第9级 | |
vt.指责,非难,斥责 [反]praise | |
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42 attire [əˈtaɪə(r)] 第10级 | |
vt.穿衣,装扮[同]array;n.衣着;盛装 | |
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43 flaunted [flɔ:ntid] 第9级 | |
v.炫耀,夸耀( flaunt的过去式和过去分词 );有什么能耐就施展出来 | |
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44 garb [gɑ:b] 第11级 | |
n.服装,装束 | |
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45 arrogant [ˈærəgənt] 第8级 | |
adj.傲慢的,自大的 | |
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46 hovered [ˈhɔvəd] 第7级 | |
鸟( hover的过去式和过去分词 ); 靠近(某事物); (人)徘徊; 犹豫 | |
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47 patronage [ˈpætrənɪdʒ] 第10级 | |
n.赞助,支援,援助;光顾,捧场 | |
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48 refreshment [rɪˈfreʃmənt] 第7级 | |
n.恢复,精神爽快,提神之事物;(复数)refreshments:点心,茶点 | |
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49 anomalous [əˈnɒmələs] 第10级 | |
adj.反常的;不规则的 | |
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50 desolate [ˈdesələt] 第7级 | |
adj.荒凉的,荒芜的;孤独的,凄凉的;vt.使荒芜,使孤寂 | |
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51 prospects ['prɔspekts] 第7级 | |
n.希望,前途(恒为复数) | |
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52 interval [ˈɪntəvl] 第7级 | |
n.间隔,间距;幕间休息,中场休息 | |
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53 retract [rɪˈtrækt] 第10级 | |
vt.缩回,撤回收回,取消 | |
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54 persuasion [pəˈsweɪʒn] 第7级 | |
n.劝说;说服;持有某种信仰的宗派 | |
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55 sufficiently [sə'fɪʃntlɪ] 第8级 | |
adv.足够地,充分地 | |
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56 mighty [ˈmaɪti] 第7级 | |
adj.强有力的;巨大的 | |
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